Feeling defensive

I was surprised by the people who said things to me about my doll hobby. Some of them have been remarkably rude, especially in telling me how creepy they think my dolls are. I don't go around complaining to them about their hobbies that I don't like! Live and let live. So I think it has made me a little defensive, or at least careful, about sharing my enthusiasm about my dolls with others.

I always compare hobbies to sports. Sports fans get very enthusiastic and sometimes spend ridiculous amounts of money on tickets or team clothes or whatever, and yet no one seems to think it that odd. So why should other hobbies be any different?

 

I've met people that don't really understand the hobby or my interest in it, but I've rarely had any truly rude or unnecessary remarks about it to my face. Behind my back, I honestly don't care if they think it's weird, because it's not a hobby for everyone anyway. I've never felt the need to be defensive about it to others - a coworker overheard me talking to a friend during lunch about my latest one not having any shoes and asked me what on earth I was talking about, so I just said "oh, I collect dolls." She was interested so I showed her pictures and she really loved them, but honestly I don't ever feel like I need to justify beyond the basic introduction of interests. If they still think it's a waste, I just shrug and say everybody has their thing.

I don't bring up my involvement in the hobby randomly anyway, so it's really not anyone's business to comment on it unless I open the topic. And if I open the topic, I am bringing any variety of responses upon myself, so I had better be prepared for them. To me, it's unnecessary to "fight" people on it, because it's unrealistic to think that everybody is going to see it on the same level. It's a niche hobby, let's face it. Just enjoy it without fussing about others

 

Do any of you face enough flack about dolls that it deters you from sharing?
Not that I can recall. I've never had anyone tell me "that's stupid" or anything like that.

Or makes you defensive from the get-go?
Why be defensive? You like what you like. In this world, people have all sorts of interests. As long as it isn't harming anyone, why judge? If someone gets judgmental about it and tries to put you down, that's actually a good thing. Then you'll know exactly who your real friends are, and who is faking it.

Maybe you're family is rough on you about it or something and it makes it hard to trust that others wont be?
Maybe I'm lucky, but usually if I let it be known that I really like something and it isn't harmful, my family is willing to let it be even if they don't understand it.

Bonus question: Do you have any ideas/input/suggestions on how to fight this or how to support each other in this hobby so we don't have to feel this way?The way you fight it is to fight the insecurities in yourself. You are a worthwhile person. Your interests are just as valid as anyone else's. You found a hobby you like, that has many positive creative aspects. Why allow ignorance, meanness or pettiness ruin your enjoyment?

 

Sadly, it's the same in any hobby - there are going to be a few nasty ones. I've made jewelry for years, and there's a lot of elitism and general snarkiness that makes it not so fun anymore. I once had a woman I'd just met openly making fun of me because I buy beads and findings instead of making everything myself! I haven't yet encountered that kind of ugliness in the BJD world, but I've seen it in the doll world in general.

It's hard, but you have to remember that when they start talking smack, they're saying a lot more about themselves than they are about you.

 

There is a saying:
"insecurities are loud"

Nuf' said.

 

"Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often."

Unfortunately there will be people out there that feel it is their duty to comment on things in a negative fashion.
Best case: ignore them or shut off comments.
Do what makes you happy.

 

I've heard that they're creepy/scary but I shrug it off. They ARE inherently off-putting because they're so different from what most people expect to see or know of "doll." You can't control or dictate the reaction unless you plan to disable comments. Instead of being defensive I ask them to tell me what about the doll they find creepy and why. Then I can explain what it is and why it is that way if necessary. Win win because we both learn something and neither has their feelings invalidated, at least not for my part. I can't control what creeps someone out or their reaction. I can only control my response. Stay calm, breathe, and remember you are only responsible for and in control of you.


The vast majority of the time I get positive reactions or none at all. My coworkers LOVE them! Absolutely fascinated by them.

positive: 90%
neutral/ignore: 10%
negative: Only 3 people! Seriously. A random chick at anime con, a friend on facebook, and a random radio jock. I didn't get defensive and they explained why. The girl ended up taking a closer look and said "Okay, she's not THAT creepy." The friend was just shocked at how real it looked. And the radio jock was creeped out by the ball joints of the knees.

 

I haven't contributed to any discussions here in ages, but this is what I do. Whenever someone expresses any negativity towards the BJD hobby in general and my collection in particular, I say "Oh, you must be suffering from pediophobia, that's how the psychiatric community refers to the irrational fear of dolls. It's usually brought on by childhood trauma. I'm sorry to hear it, I really am. If I knew about your childhood trauma, I would have warned you about the possible trigger. But you know what? With the right kind of medication and therapy, I'm sure, you can get help! Again, I'm very sorry."

Shuts them right up.

 

My only negative encounter (if you'd even call it that) was someone on tumblr asking that I tag my doll pictures because they got really creeped out by them. They were super polite, and I have used tags ever since and there hasn't been a problem.

My family is bemused at worst, though I expect if they knew Avery cost over $200 they'd be a little more negative. All I've ever said was that he was 'expensive' when I was worrying about the delivery when he arrived. But I think their perception is a bit distorted, given that I say spending $25 on comics is also 'expensive'. XD

 

Do any of you face enough slack about dolls that it deters you from sharing?
No, no one has told me anything negative about my dolls, but the only place I have shared them is IRL, Facebook, tumblr, and here. My friends are all nice about it, though one of them is scared of the dolls even though she finds them pretty. I only posted on tumblr once, but my followers didn't say anything rude about it or anything.


Or makes you defensive from the get-go?
Whether I would get defensive or not depends on the types of comments that are being made. If someone tells me I am too old for dolls or something, I would let that type of thing slide because that is their own opinion. I would just let them know that I am able to do what I want with my life. If it's something extremely rude and offensive, I would probably get defensive, but I do try to ignore when I can. I have a tumblr acquaintance that I know through a tumblr friend but don't really speak to. She nice and posted a photo of her doll in a graveyard and she got a ton of negative feedback for it. If something like this happened to me, I would get defensive because I don't get why people would send the types of things they sent to her just because she did that. If it truly offended them, they could have been nicer about it.


Maybe you're family is rough on you about it or something and it makes it hard to trust that others wont be?
No, my family doesn't mind at all. My sister thinks they are adorable and really loves one of the Luts Zuzus. My mom thinks they cost a lot, but thinks they are very pretty. She just pokes fun at me and says I play with dolls. Though, I don't mind this since she helped me pay for my second doll since "I played all the time with the first one".

 

My family hates my hobby because it's expensive and I don't make a lot of money. I get lectured constantly about how I shouldn't be wasting my money on "oversized barbies." In the past, I had friends make fun of the dolls because, even though all my dolls are boys, they all have long hair. So they would put my dolls in inappropriate positions and tell me I have gay dolls. I would get defensive about it because I knew these certain friends were using the term "gay" as an insult (which I don't approve of in any case) and were, therefore, insulting my dolls. But other than family and friends, acquaintances and strangers have loved my dolls.

 

Yes, people have been negative toward me and toward my dolls in this community, and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt, but most of the time it doesn't stop me from sharing. My enjoyment of my dolls doesn't depend on other people's opinions of me or of my dolls. I like praise and happy words as much as the next person, but having experienced some negativity doesn't automatically make me defensive. To be honest, although dolls are important to me, they're not high enough up on the importance list to merit me getting defensive about what others have to say about them. Of course, that having been said, I've learned there are just some people in this community that it's best for me to avoid. It's less complicated if I simply don't engage with these certain people. Seriously, the BJD community can be like a soap opera sometimes - celebrities, villians, popularity, drama, "serious issues" and the next big thing - and I find it better and less crazy-making to take a few steps back and observe all that from a distance rather than leaping into the proverbial fray and throwing myself into a situation where I may feel like I want to defend myself. Honestly, there are many things far more important in life to defend than my dolls, and I'd rather expend my energy defending something that's going to matter in the long run.

 

I've dealt with some negativity from mostly strangers, and a few co-workers. I don't hide my hobby, and I don't think I should have to. It's completely harmless, and it makes me happy, it's not negatively impacting my life or anyone else's. Everyone has a hobby or fandom or other interest that they really love, that gets them really excited, and mine just so happens to be BJDs.

Most of the bad comments from strangers are things like "Ewww, look at that weird doll" or "What IS that thing?" Mostly, I just ignore them because it's not worth my time and energy to bother with rude hateful people, but if they actually say it to my face, I usually just tell them it's an artistic hobby, and I'm doing photography to share with other artists. They usually just want a reaction anyway, and when they don't get it, they quit trying.

Co-workers are harder, because they know I'm into the hobby, and I see them daily. The first one I dealt with was a friend too, and I don't think she was trying to be rude to me, she just didn't get it. She told me my doll was cute, but she didn't get why I spent so much money, when I could just buy a doll for $20 at a toy store. She was a collector of purses and shoes, designer brands. So, I reversed the situation on her and asked "Why do you spend $500 on a Coach bag when you could get a similar design from Wal-Mart for $10?" That really made sense to her, like I was buying high end designer dolls instead of cheap mass produced stuff. She never questioned me again.

The other coworker is harder. He just cannot relate at all. I've tried explaining the art aspect, but he has no interest in art at all, so that doesn't work. I've tried relating it to him by comparing it to him buying nicer things in his hobbies instead of the cheapest thing he can get.....he doesn't get it. So when the teasing and commenting starts, I just roll my eyes and ignore him til he shuts up. It doesn't change my feelings about my dolls.

Online, I really haven't had many negative comments. I've only been a part of one community where I saw really rude, condescending remarks, and though I was never wrapped up in it, I didn't like how others were treated, and just didn't want any part of such a toxic community. I just wasn't interested in the drama, and the hobby has felt a lot more positive to me since leaving that site several months ago.

I think the biggest part of being active in any artistic hobby/community is just growing a thick shell. Regardless of what type of art you choose to do, there are going to be people who don't get it, don't appreciate it, think it's weird, think it's a waste of money, are your competition, will put you down, make fun of less experienced people, critique where it is not welcome, or think your work is garbage because it doesn't meet their tastes or standards. There is no one piece of art, or doll, that everyone will agree is a masterpiece. Even the most 'famous' BJD owners and faceup artists and tailors are going to have critics and people who are not fans of their work. That's okay. The most important thing is that YOU like your doll, YOU are happy with your doll, and YOU enjoy having it! Once you stop worrying about what other people think and just focus on doing what makes you happy, I think you'll enjoy the hobby a lot more.

 

Unfortunately, I get a lot of gripe from my closest friends. One of my very good friends makes me put them away before she comes over, because she can't 'handle how creepy they are'. And honestly, it hurts a lot. My ex used to do the same thing, saying they were ugly and a waste of money, and saying that I shouldn't bother and should just sell them. It really, really hurt. But after breaking up with the mentioned ex, my current boyfriend understands why i spend so much money, and he's as supportive as he can be. The only thing he doesn't want to deal with is my dolls being naked which is understandable. My best friend still hates them though. She gets all pissed off at me when I reblog things about them, and I wish I could fix it..

 

I personally haven't had much negativity towards my dolls. My husband sort of pokes fun at me, but he's also the one who bought my latest one. He picks at me about the cost.

I've never had anyone say my dolls are creepy. If they did I'd just laugh and plot to scare the crap out of the person with them in the near future.

I guess I'm just not very sensitive in the hobby, as it would take someone being extremely rude to hurt my feelings. And even then, it wouldn't be enough to make me permanently defensive. I mean, everything in this hobby is a matter of opinion. Someone not loving my dolls won't bother me. The rudeness of someone taking the time to actually spout rudeness at me would.

 

I feel like I'm a little bit lucky in this situation. I'm an anime geek, I cosplay, and I listen to Japanese music. So for those people who want to make fun of me, they've had plenty of ammunition for years. After you consider all that, big 60cm dolls aren't much weirder. Most people who interact with me have already seen crappy cosplay pics and I've had minimal insults in that topic, so I think when-if I get a little more involved, it won't be a big shock to non-geeks in my life.

But yet, I don't know why it makes me kind of embarrassed around my boyfriend. He's done nothing to make me feel awkward about the doll under our bed (cats, no shelves), but I think because we're from different geek realms, I feel like he might find it weird. I'm all anime and cosplay and stuff, and he's all RubyonRails and Total War. Last night when I got home, when he stepped out of the room I rushed to stuff my new doll bag under the bed - Not cause he would make fun of me or anything, but I kind of don't feel like awkwardly explaining what it's for.

[/digress]. Yeah, I'm a little bit defensive. But it feels no different from when I was starting with cosplay. Once you know what you're doing and gain a bit of confidence with what you're doing, it's a lot easier to stand tall.

 

Well my mother really hated my BJDs and even threatened to smash them, but she has since passed away, so I try to be kind and think, she was ill and irrational. No one else has ever given me a hard time about them. I take them to work and restaurants and all kinds of places, and most people are polite and admiring. My boss is a former hairdresser, so sometimes I bring them in and she French braids their hair for me.

I have had people remark that they look funny without their wigs on. I guess I am so used to eyeless, wigless, naked dolls that it just doesn't register as odd to me anymore. No, I really have no reason to be defensive. No one gives me a hard time about them.

I like Katyoks rebuttal of people who think dolls are creepy so well I am planning to memorize it!

 

Bonus question: Do you have any ideas/input/suggestions on how to fight this or how to support each other in this hobby so we don't have to feel this way?

Stay away from toxic communities. You can't fight them, but you can ignore them.

 

Yes. 1,000x this. ^^