Guilty or not Guilty?

Man, I hope that your friend finds work fast. I'm also in the same situation where my parents have lost jobs :V So I have to haul debt like no other. There are bursaries and scholarships in place for people in those situations, please ask her to delve into it. Oftentimes, they aren't advertised at all. Universities may make special decisions for people in her situation...I don't know though, I'm very lucky to be in Canada.

Really though, if I had considered not just my dolls but all the wealth I had in life that comes with canada's high standard of living, I could feed and house a few hundred starving africans and provide them healthcare etc.. There are people who can't afford clothing, food, water, etc...Not only in africa but everywhere.

I can't feel guilty about being born where I was born, or liking what I do, or buying/eating/using what I do. However, I think it is best just to try not to put things to waste, and to consider all of what could be with this kind of money, and keep that feeling of appreciation and thankfulness in your heart. I've never once been ungrateful for anything that I own. I cannot live for other people, and I cannot live through them either.

Hopefully, if they work hard and exhaust all options, they will make their own luck.

 

This keeps happening to me.

While I do feel a bit guilty that while I spend my money on luxury items such as BJDs because my finances are fine and I earn the play money myself, some of my family and friends are in financial situations that result in them having to give up one important thing or another or have no play money to spend.

However, I cannot bring myself to feel extremely bad/guilty about having leisure money to spend while friends and family don't because even while they're in tight financial situations, they still manage to spend much needed money on things they do not need such as art, items in online games that require real money to get, or internet just to play their online games. So why should I feel bad if they don't have their priorities straight?

They have items on these online games they could sell to make enough money to pay their bills for probably the rest of the year and maybe well into the next, but they won't give up these unneeded things to keep a roof over their heads. The people I know that are in tight financial situations are sacrificing the wrong things for the wrong reason. They give up paying utility bills just to have internet connection and renew their monthly subscription to an online game.

In all honesty, I wouldn't lend them money to help them pay their bills because I know it would more than likely go toward unneeded things rather than the bills because my friends and families do not have their priorities straight.

My dolls are worth every penny that goes into saving for them to me because I work hard for the money to buy them. Although its not an official or steady job, I do art commissions online to afford my dolls so I don't end up spending all of the money husband earns that needs to go toward bills.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that really sucks.

However, there is no need to feel guilty. Your circumstance happens to be different right now, and you can afford the dolls. Technically, we all own stuff we don't really need -- TVs, electronics, more clothes and shoes than are strictly necessary, etc. Part of having a decent standard of living is being able to afford more than the bare minimum, and hobbies can really enrich a person's life (hobbies also tend to be money sinks, but if you're getting something positive out of it, it's worth while). There are a lot of people who are less fortunate than I am, and plenty of people who are better off -- that is a part of life. While you can help those in dire straits by doing things like giving to charity, denying yourself of your hobbies doesn't really help much in the long run.

All this said, I do understand some of where you're coming from. I first got into the hobby with a friend of mine, and at the time I was the more financially stable person and could spend a lot more on dolls and doll stuff. I occasionally did feel a little funny about it, but I also got past that too. I came by the doll money honestly, and it was mine to spend (I've also helped out friends in the past too). I took care of my responsibilities, so there was no reason for me to feel badly about it. Our situations were simply different.

 

1. If you are in that situation, what would you feel? Would you regret anything?
I think I would wind up feeling guilty. I have in the past when friends of mine have had financial troubles and I have been more well-off. On the reverse of that, I have been completely destitute poor while my friends had money, and aside from someone getting me lunch every once in a while no one handed out charity to me and I didn't want it. I think getting charity from friends would be a very difficult strain on a relationship. Family is there to provide for you, but friends are there as emotional support, a helping hand, being there when you need someone to talk to, etc... (though I supposed this differs from culture to culture.)

The only time I handed out "charity" was when I paid for someone's plane ticket so that she could attend my wedding. I didn't offer this to anyone else, but it was really important to me for her to be able to come and I knew she didn't have the money. But it was something I did more for selfish reasons, because I wanted to see her and have her be at my wedding, so it didn't feel like I was giving her money for herself.

2. Do your dolls worth every single penny for you?
They really are. I can afford them and I can't afford to solve everyone else's problems. I'm empathetic, but I also know where to draw the line. If a good friend of mine came to me and said that their cat was dying and it needed a $600 medical treatment and can she borrow money--I would lend it to her instead. But unless there is a desperate situation where they ask for help and have NO other options, I don't see it as my responsibility to give charity.

Unless they are desperate enough to ask for help, they probably don't want your charity in the first place and are just relying on you as a friend should, to be a good shoulder to cry on during difficult times and be there for them physically and emotionally while they work it out. If you gave her the $600 for school instead and then suddenly YOU became out of work, then your friend would feel HORRIBLE for taking that money from you. You might even have to ask for it back. If your friend took the money, and then dropped out of school to start working so she could support her parents, the money was just literally wasted on NOTHING.

You can always sell your own dolls and be responsible for your own purchases.

 

Your friend chose school and sometimes school, in every aspect is overwhelming. Everyone who has ever been to a higher education institution has most likely felt the impact of the cost. All I can tell you is to follow your heart. I believe, from your post that your heart is telling you to help your friend and my personal philosophy is that it is not what you have in your hand when you leave this earth, it is what you have in your heart and what you leave behind in the hearts of others.

 

Helping her find a job or internship program or a scholarship would really show her that you care and want to help her, without stepping into the moral hazard of giving her a hand-out. Hand-outs can be very offensive to some people (again, I assume this is different from culture to culture) and can really turn around and bite you in the butt if you're not careful.

Before I learned better, I tried to loan money to friends here and there. It never helped their overall situation get better, sometimes made it worse, and oftentimes made me feel like I was being used. I paid for a friend get a website started once, but she flaked and never got it finished. My money and my goodwill was essentially wasted (over $200!) and I just learned that people need to figure out what to do for themselves with only a little nudge in the right direction. I used to lose a lot of sleep trying to think of solutions to other people's problems and my mom told me that happened to her sometimes too. She said, "I call it: trying to fix the world's problems in your sleep. It never works but for some reason you always think it's important to try." That taught me a lot--that kind of behavior is futile and ultimately drains you emotionally and physically. It's best to recognize only the things you can actually help with and not lose sleep over things that you can't.

 

Even if you didn't spend the money on the BJDs, it's not like that sum was required to be used to pay for your friend's schooling. You could choose to help her, which would be very very nice of you, but you are not obliged to, and you friend would never expect you to. The money is your own, you're entitled to spend it any way you want. Your friend's story is sad, but everyone is responsible for their own life and finances. I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you.

 

Anneke, your last post is the precise reason why I wouldn't feel guilty. It's always better to help friends help themselves, than to just keep handing out money like a free cash machine.

Marie, it really is just circumstance that makes your financial situation better than your friend. Think about it this way - if your friend won the lottery and you were in difficult times... would you expect her to bail you out with money?

To be honest, I'd be really guilty accepting money like that from a friend, even if it meant I could go to school.

 

Depending on the situation, friends + money can certainly turn into a minefield. I've been in that place where overtime resentment began to build up, even though nobody involved intended for such a thing to happen. I won't go into details here as it's rather personal and not really doll related, but suffice to say, a good deal of thought is required before mixing finances with friends -- there are so many ways in which things can go wrong. In my own experience I feel that I got pretty burned and still have lingering hard feelings over it. Sometimes helping out isn't a bad thing -- even the right thing to do, other times it only causes more issues down the road. I'm not saying I would never help somebody out who needed it, but I would be a lot more cautious about monetary involvement with a friend in the future.

 

I totally understand that you are feeling really uncomfortable right now but if it's any consolation I have experience both sides of this situation. A long time ago I was homeless for a short time and had no money and lost what few possessions I had and just went through this awful patch in my life, that was rock bottom. As people, family, friends helped me to at least get a roof over my head, and get back on my feet, the help they gave was more emotional support and advice and helping me to find my own answers. That was what i needed and it gave me the confidence to realise that I could pull myself out of that situation by my own efforts. If they had come along showering me with money and trying to fix things for me, even though they might have had the best intentions, I am pretty sure I would have resented it.

I don't remember ever begrudging my friends their stable lives or their better financial situation, I loved them so why would I want them to go without just because I was in a mess. If your friend is anything like me I am sure she values your support and love way more than any financial aid you could offer.

 

MarieAngelcakes ~ Welcome to DoA~!

This sort of personal, speculative post is discouraged on the forum. We prefer that the threads remain as on-topic regarding the actual abjd themselves as possible. Yes, the dolls are expensive luxury items. If you feel you would like to discuss that aspect of the hobby a personal blog is better suited. Thanks for understanding.