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Asking for a doll as a gift: okay or rude?

Oct 9, 2010

    1. Now, everyone knows that this is not a cheap hobby to get into- even someone intending to only ever own one doll is making a significant investment with their purchase. My question... "is it alright to ask for a doll as a gift, or is it rude?" stems from my own personal issues that I'd love some advice on.

      My brother got in a car accident 4 years ago. This summer, he recieved $40,000 for it. He and I love eachother very much, but rarely get to see eachother because he 'floats on the wind' and Im very busy with college and work. But we do have a deep bond. I recently became very enthused with BJD's and researched them thoroughly- on a whim, I asked him to buy me a doll (YID Mars- Iplehouse). He said maybe. A week later, I showed him the doll and talked to him a little bit about how they work, what they do, etc, and asked him again. This time, he said yes. I was thrilled.

      Now, about a week after this, I am consumed by guilt, and more than a little bit of anxiety. That is a lot of money to spend on a gift for someone. I could use it for something else... but then, he isnt offering me money, he's offering me a doll. Still, Ive never had much money in my entire life and neither has he- he has a little now, and he has been spending it rather frivilously... and he does love me very much, and hasnt had an opportunity to show me that love in a while... but Im still disturbed, emotionally. Isnt asking for something so extravagant rather... rude? I even said "how much have you spent on golfing since you got your settlement last month?", he replied "Oh, waaayyyyy more than that!" we both laughed at the time, but thinking back, wasnt that comment a little... coersive?

      Anyways, Im having a big issue with it. I realise that all peoples financial situations are different, but in a very broad sense: is asking for a doll as a gift from someone okay, or is it rude?
      If youve asked before, or have thought about asking, please share your experience!

      EDIT:I talked to him today- he said he was thrilled that I asked for something, cause he's been waiting for me to request a gift ever since he got his money for the car accident, but he had no idea what I wanted and wasnt about to ask, cause he knows Im usually really shy around money.
      He insisted on buying the doll for me for Christmas. I feel a lot better, and actually, Im pretty excited and more than a little thrilled!
      I agree with the people here that say honest communication is the best- cause it is. If I'd never asked him, then he'd never have gotten the chance to get me something I really want, which he'd apparently been waiting for me to ask for. So... I guess Ive decided, that if you really want something, and you know someone who loves you that has the resources, its not rude to just put it out there- you never know whats gonna happen, and theres always a chance itll be good.

      ((MODS: if this is in the wrong spot, please feel free to move it))
    2. To me, yes, it's thoughtless and rude. :/ of course, that's just me.

      I'm a person who works hard for everything I've got, and I'm hyper-aware of the troubles my parents go through to put me where I am. With university, transit, food, clothing, housing, etc... The hours spent toiling away to make that money is something people can't get back. There is no way I would ever ask for anything more than lunch money, and that would only be if I was in dire straits for it. Most of the time, I'd choose to go without lunch or drinks if I can spare them a few bucks. 2 dollars a day for tea adds up, and I am not one of those people who will buy into that sort of thing. Things like data plans, excessive video games, whatever youth seem to be into these days..are often wasteful, temporary, and unnecessary. That money could go to much better purposes. Money for hobbies and such should be worked for.

      Even if I were not a student, frankly I'm uncomfortable asking for anything from anyone unless I absolutely have to.

      I am not so incapable a person as to not be able to work hard to reach a goal. If its for dolls and such, I realize there are issues of time sensitivity and limitations set within the hobby, but if I don't make it that's fine. I won't ask another person for it. Everyone else is working hard to keep their own, I can do it too :) I know plenty of people ask for things from their parents and whatnot, but honestly I think it's kind of taking advantage of them. I mean, they have wants and needs too :/

      oop edit: To me it's a sense of principle, not particularly about financial situations. To me, especially if you love those people, you will not ask for these things from them.

      Hope you'll understand my view <3
    3. I do understand... and that is exactly why I feel the way I do. However, there is a difference between 'money earned' and 'money won', I think... still... asking for it, even in passing and half jokingly, has caused me quite the bit of moral pain.
    4. No, I don't think it's rude. I personally would not ask for something like that, but I suppose I am somewhat unsual, and I don't like asking people to buy anything for me.
      It would be rude if someone constantly pestered others to spend copious amounts of money on their own hobby, but in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with politely asking for one object from someone who isn't struggling financially at the moment, because the person can always decline. Your brother said maybe from the beginning and didn't seem to mind spending money on a doll for you.
      If you feel guilty, then you can always talk to him about it and tell him that he doesn't have to buy you the doll if he doesn't want to, since it's so much, or offer to split the money for it, etc.
    5. I think it also depends on the doll you're asking someone to buy for you. For example, I've jokingly let my parents know I woulnd't mind getting another puki, this time them buying it for me, however, I have said that if they would buy a puki for me, I'd count it as both my Christmas and Birthday present.

      But in cases of more money and without a reason like a birthday or christmas, I think it can come across rude not only to other people, but maybe also to your brother. If you're this consumed with guilt maybe you should discuss that with him.
    6. I think it depends on your relationship with the person you're asking. I know that people in my life, when they want to get something for me, ask me to tell them what things I want, since they have a hard time figuring it out themselves. It's the same with the roomie -- I ask him what he wants, because if I don't ask what to get for him, I only find out what it is he wants when he brings it home. If it's someone who has asked to let them know what, or what sort of things, you want as gifts for when they choose to give them, I see nothing at all wrong with it, really.

      I can see asking someone you're close to if they have the means to get something in this price range and have indicated willingness to get some sort of big present. Asking someone who could never afford such a thing, a relative stranger, or someone who has shown no indication of wanting to get some sort of big gift I'd raise a brow at, however, and would find impolite.
    7. What's rude to one is familial bonding to another. Are you racked with guilt just because it's an expensive piece of plastic? Because you asked him twice? Because you're taking advantage of his peril/why he won the money in the first place?

      It's not as if he's being frugal with what he has, and that's his choice. He's spending it on himself as well as you for whatever reasons he has; you know him better than we ever will.

      Consider why you feel bad about it, and then discuss it with him. He might actually like the fact that he can do something frivolous for you.
    8. Eee, beautiful post! I agree with everything here.
    9. In a way I can relate to this on both sides in different ways. I in some way benefited from my brother's lawsuit as well as feeling guilty about it after wards, though for slightly different reasons. :sweat

      My brother was in an accident too a long time ago, when we were small children. Our parents sued the people responsible and since I was a witness and testified, the judge put 10% of the settlement money in an account for me for when I reached the age of 18, which probably should have been his. By the time I turned 18 and got my portion of the settlement, his 80% of the settlement money was already long gone and I felt very guilty sitting there holding money which I think should have been his to begin with. Money that I did nothing to earn.

      When I got that money, it did in fact go mostly to dolls, but some of it went to my brother as well. He was wanting this steering wheel driving set with seat, kind of like those driving video games in arcades have, which was nearly a thousand dollars and I bought it for him as I had the money on hand from that settlement when he wanted it. He didn't ask me for it, he asked my parents for it. They were unable to get it for him, so I did without him ever having asked me.

      But that was a gift; A want I wished to fulfill on his behalf as I had the means and he did not. Though thinking back on it, after I bought that for him he lectured me about spending my money so freely and urged me to hold on to portions of it instead of running out and 'blowing' it all, which if it weren't for him saying that, I have no doubt I would have. Maybe you should try urging your brother to do the same if you are worried about how quickly he is tossing his money around? That might help relieve some guilt, too.

      Last month I paid for half of his first truck with my parents paying the other half as well. Again, not him nor my parents asked me to, but I wanted to as a gift. Then, a few days ago, he asked me for a few hundred dollars for video games. I found this to be rude, greedy and selfish. I have no problem shelling out large portions of money on gifts for loved ones. But when asked to do so, it almost seems like they expect that of you and in some way, they do. That is unacceptable to me. To get to the point where you (this is a general 'you', not aimed at anyone) consider it okay to ask others for things which you do not need.

      A gift is a gift, something you gave someone because you wanted to. An unnecessary/luxury item that is asked for is just being greedy. You (general 'you' again) are asking someone to give you something, which means you are asking someone to take something from themselves. This applies to all things. You ask someone for money; that is money they are taking from themselves which they could have spent on themselves.

      On the other side of this, my parents have offered to buy me a doll before as a gift but I wouldn't allow them to as I find it just too much of an expense for them to take from themselves for something I don't need. I'd rather they spend that money on buying themselves things, the more necessary things, the better. I know with the $400 they offered me, my mom could get some new clothes to update her wardrobe and make herself feel better in the process as well as being a more necessary item than a toy doll.

      In short:
      I believe it is rude (please note, I mean rude as in the mannerism; lacking of manners; I do not mean it is 'wrong') to ask for any expensive item which is not a necessity. But to be gifted such an item or to request such an item after the person has informed you they would like to get you a gift is okay. If that's the gift you would most prefer and they're offering you something, might as well get something you'd like.
    10. I think he does like the idea of getting me something- I mean, I know that he doesnt mind spending the money at all. He really doesnt.
      The issue here, is me... and my hatred of the IDEA of me taking advantage of someone. I guess its something I just have to get over, myself.
      Ill talk to him about it though, just so he knows how I feel. So he can say "I really want to buy you this" and I can stop feeling bad XD
    11. I'd say it depends on the situation really.
      If your brother offered to do something nice for you and you mentioned the doll, I can see that as being kind of okay. Your brother wanted to make you happy and you provided a tangible way to do that. If it was more of an unprompted request, that's more likely to stir up issues and may come off as being rude.
      Since you seem to be really in turmoil about this, sit down with your brother and talk. Tell him you were really excited about the dolls and that you really appreciate him saying that he would buy you one, but that you're concerned since it is expensive. Maybe you could offer to go half and half on a doll if he still wants to do something for you. No matter what, let your brother know he's the important one, not the doll. That's really the main thing, isn't it?
    12. It all depends on situations.

      I would never ever ask my Mum for a doll as she struggles to even spend £50 on us at Christmas and has raised us with as par time [NHS] sister from the ages of 5 and 7 with little to no help from my father who can't be bothered to spare money for his youngest twin daughters' eighteenth as he just brought himself a BMW... I earn my own money and so am always capable of saving for a doll myself and also I get a free grant from my Uni course which gives me a total of £3,000 a year which I don't have to ever pay back (although I keep half to pay off my loan for each year) so am also very giving with my money to my family members and people close to me.

      Me and my boyfriend are very giving people and he has lately offered to put £300 towards a new doll for me as he has just got £2,000 for a two week course he went on as part of his firefighter training. The course involves putting on breathing aparatus (BA equipment) and going into a burning building to save 13 stone dummies so I have actually sort of turned it down, but he is very giving to everyone and is constantly buying his family gifts and treats for no reason so I don't think I'll be able to stop him if he wants to.

      If however he came across a large sum of money, I just know (and not in a bratty way) that he would either give me a lump of it or just buy me lots of things, especially if it was so much for something that didn't actaully affect him that much. (I'm not sure how your brother was affected by the accident)

      So all in all I haven't ever needed to ask as I hint enough and he knows I would do the same for him but if I ever did recieve a gift or money as response to me asking I would probably feel as guilty as you. Just keep asking if they're sure and thank them plenty. If the say they're fine with it over and over then it should be ok but if they say they're not too comfortable either don't accept the money/doll of sell the doll back and give them whats left. If you''re not comfortable with it all, ask him for reasurance, my betting is he's probably forgotten about buying you the doll and it doesn't affect his money needs at all! Good luck though, I hope you feel better about it all! :)
    13. It really depends on why you are asking. My first doll was a gift from my parents and I asked for it, but it was a graduation gift. Giving me an expensive doll was their way to congratulate me with something special. I know for certain if I had asked my parents to give me an expensive gift without good reason (even my birthday isn't a good reason to drop a chunk of money that big), they would have said no.
      Just asking someone to buy me something over several hundreds of dollars worth completely out of the blue feels off, but if they offer to buy me something expensive themselves for whatever reason it becomes a different story.

      On the other hand my father offered to buy me a tumble-dryer a few days ago and those aren't cheap. Somewhere deep down I'd rather have a new doll, but I would feel awkward to ask my father to support my expensive hobby. I'm the one who choose this hobby and a household appliance is something that improves my living comfort (= something more general and sort of a basic need).
    14. My fiance bought me a doll as my birthday gift. He and I both have our own hobbies, his mostly being games and mine being dolls, and he has no problem encouraging me to do my own thing. When he mentioned buying me an expensive new game system that cost about as much as the body for a doll I wanted for my birthday gift, I freely mentioned this as an alternative and he was happy to oblige. Last year for Christmas he bought me a sewing machine. I know he gets me what he thinks I will like because he loves me, and neither of us consider it rude to tell one another what we'd like as a gift. We're not mind readers, just two people who love each other. :)
    15. I'd like to add that it's a good idea to talk to your brother and smooth everything out before getting the doll, Linzabeth. You wouldn't want to feel bad about the doll once you have it in your hands and then not play with it because of the negative feelings you are having.
    16. I really think it depends on the situation.
      If somebody asks one what one want for your birthday/christmas and one is in such a relationship with the person who asks that a doll would be considered an appropriate gift it doesn't seem rude to me. However if one asks another right out of thin air to get one a doll I find it a bit disturbing.

      I got my first doll as a graduation present. In my country when one graduates upper secondary it's customary to get gifts (in the league of a 1000 dollars). My parents couldn't figure out what to get me since I don't tend to wish for the things "normal people" my age tends to wish for. So I asked them if they would mind contributing to the doll I wanted. I wasn't comfortable demanding such a big sum from them (about 300 dollars) so by asking for a contribution they could give whatever they felt appropriate. In the end they ended up bying the doll for me (without me contributing) but that was their choice.
    17. I think it depends on the person. I was obessed with dolls before I recived my first doll as a gift. It was a split gift from about 4 members of my family. After I got it, one of my uncles told me right off that he regreted, that the doll was a waste of money and he wanted nothing to do with future doll purchases.
      In this situation I think he was the rude one as I never asked them for a doll and they all knew full well I was saving for one myself. If I had asked them for it I would have felt bad, but since I didn't, i don't think I have anything to feel guilty about
    18. If you feel bad, confront him, ask him if it was too much to ask for, make sure it really is okay with him
    19. I thinkt, that this is ok. I asked my grandma arround 6 years ago to buy me a doll for christmas- and it was really expensive! (the doll itself, shipping from japan to austria... and the customs >.>)
      Ordeal was a mixed gift too (Mother and grandma gave me the money for him as a birthday present and my boyfriend paid wig+eyes).
      I will ask again, when it`s a special day like christmas or my birthday.
      My grandma is still asking me "Do you still have the doll?? Are you still playing with him?? He was SOOOO expensive!!!!"
    20. As most of the posters above have said, it really depends on the situation.

      The wrong way to do it;

      Friend: Wow, I've got a lot of money to throw around now.
      Collector: OMFGBUYMEADORRIE.
      Friend: Uh? What?
      Collector: Dolls. I love them so much my life is incomplete without them and I'm so poor and needy.
      Friend: But I wasn't offering to spend any...
      Collector: But! I'm entitled to some of your money because you're so rich and I'm so virtuous and my love is so pure!
      Friend: Erm...
      Collector: [Bores friend to death with doll information]
      Friend: Fine, whatever, I'll get you one.
      Collector: Squeeeee!!!!!!! Dorries!!!!!! [Runs off to tell everyone]

      The right way to do it;

      Friend: Wow, I've got a lot of money to throw around now. Isn't it your [important event] coming up soon?
      Collector: Yeah, I've really worked hard for my [big important event] and I'm so glad it's nearly over.
      Friend: I admire your resource and dedication to [this important thing], but I can't think what to buy you as a congratulatory present. And I want to get you something, you know, big, to commomorate it.
      Collector: Well, I love these expensive dolls.
      Friend: Well, proportionally, it's like you buying me a DVD for my [similar important thing] so yes, I'll buy you one.
      Collector: Wow, thank you!

      Note that in both cases, "Friend" can be replaced with "Partner", "Family member", "Patron", "Friend of the family" etc.