Bonding: When to give up, and when to wait.

Sometimes it can take awhile for everything to click. I enjoy all my guys and girls as soon as they get here, but sometimes it can really take awhile to get them figured out. My pre-existing characters are easy, my other guys and girls not so much. It took me over a year to figure out Livna's character, which storyline she fit into, and her clothing style--I knew that I loved the doll, the details just took awhile to take hold.

 

I pretty much had Carousel figured out the moment I got him, but I've been having a lot of touble with him evolving and me not being able to finish him. I really adore him, but it's not quite all the way for me yet. I want to finish him, it's just a matter of time. I have a really good feeling that when I am done with him, it'll really click.

On the hand, my floating head and I bonded the minute I stuck a pair of eyes in him and popped a green wig on his head Dunno why but Absynthe just sort of stole my wee litle black heart.

If the doll just isn't working for you, it isn't working for you. But if you still like him, you might as well keep trying different things. Do a random wacky face up you've never tried before, different colors you may not have thought of- just have fun. That is the point after all, right?

 

So to be clear, you haven't done his faceup yet? And you haven't tried different eyes or wigs on him? That's a definite wait and keep trying. I know it's cliched, but the right wig and eyes really do make all the difference in the world!

You said he was a Christmas present, but did you pick him out yourself?

 

It sounds like you haven't really had a chance to get to know your boy yet, so don't give up. As for suggestions about how to bond-

How are you at drawing? Try drawing a basic outline of his face (or trace a photo if you can't draw), make several copies of that, and then experiment with different face-up color combos on paper. You can do the same for his body and draw different clothes. That way, you'll not only learn more about your doll and yours/his likes and dislikes, you'll have reference for the artist when you finally do have the funds for a face-up!

 

I apologize in advance for the lengthy reply. I was recently in your shoes, so I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter.

I only buy dolls for my preexisting characters. While some may think that makes the whole "choosing" process easier, it can actually be a double-edged sword. My OCs are such a huge part of me and I am extremely picky about the sculpts that I decide on for them. I spend hours/days/weeks researching a sculpt before I buy. I always thought that would help prevent me from deciding on the "wrong" sculpt... but lo' and behold, it didn't.

My first three dolls found me. I stumbled upon them by accident but knew the moment I saw them they were exactly what I was looking for. Love at first sight, I suppose you could say.

Then I went searching for my fourth doll. Thought I was on a roll! I had others that had "found" me on my wishlist, but I figured they could wait. I was looking for a specific character now. No dolls had called out to me for her yet so I decided I'd look for her myself. Eventually I found a sculpt I adored and kept coming back to her promo pictures for weeks and weeks. Needless to say, I bought her and she was gorgeous!

However, the moment I sat her next to my other dolls something didn't feel right. I literally starting getting knots in my stomach, and I was very uneasy about her acquisition. I felt so horrible I couldn't sleep until I put her back in her box. The next morning I tried bonding with her. All was fine and dandy... until I sat her next to the rest of my crew. That day, I finally realized what it means to say a doll "doesn't work with my family" or "isn't what I'm looking for." I was faced with an unexpected dilemma: do I take the time to experiment or do I swallow my pride and admit my true feelings?

I felt terrible. All I knew was I did not want to "force her" to fit. Sadly, she didn't work for any of my other characters either. I'm pretty much the type of person who knows immediately if something is right for me, so I choose not to spend time or money forcing something unnatural in this dolly household. It wouldn't be fair for me or the doll.

I put her up in the MP immediately and sold her. I was a bit ashamed at first, but I felt so much better after deciding to find her a new home. I learned something, though. From now on, I will not search for a doll. I will only buy those that find me first. Obviously this strategy is not true for everyone! This is just the way that works best for me. In time, you'll find the method that works best for you.

Most owners purchase a sculpt having certain expectations, and it can be a huge emotional let-down to receive a doll and not have it not click with you (for various reasons). What I'm trying to say is... the whole bonding experience varies person to person. Everyone goes about this hobby differently and there is not a simple "black and white" way to do such.

With that in mind:
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Should I consider putting him on the marketplace?
Are you the type of person who typically knows right away if something is right for you or not? Think of how you go about other hobbies. Are you the type of person who loves new shoes and knows immediately if the new pair you bought should be returned? If so, you might want to consider the idea.

Should I wait some more?
Again, this totally depends on your personality type. Do you think your lack of bonding is from his current wig or something that can be changed... or is it something deeper? Is there another doll that could make you happier or fulfill your expectations? I notice in your siggy you say you "want MD Ryu so bad." Consider comparing your feelings for that sculpt to the one you currently own.

Has something like this happened to you?
Yes. Please see above.

How long did it take you to bond?
I didn't.

When did you know it was time to stop trying?
When I took a step back and looked at the big picture. When I was willing to look past my shame of "spending so much on a doll, only to be unsatisfied." When I was willing to accept the fact that sometimes dolls don't go as planned. For me that was all within a period of three days (I'm not a window shopper... if I regret a purchase I know by the time I get I home).

Bah. I babbled on for too long. Regardless, I hope this helps you. Good luck and follow your heart. I'm a firm believer the heart knows what it wants - even if it first it may try to convince you otherwise.

 

I've been in both situations... I've had dolls I bonded with instantly (like my Belita and my Lishe) and others that took a while before things started to "click".

For example, my Latidoll Adel took over half a year before I finally started to truly bond with him... Like the situation in the OP, I thought he was beautiful but he never really felt "mine". Eventually, his personality started to emerge and I found the perfect wig and eyes, but it took a long time. Now, I love him, and I'm SO glad I didn't sell him. I've had a couple of other dolls that took as long as a year before they really started to get a personality and become "my dolls".

I have also had dolls that just didn't work out... sometimes I just couldn't bond at all. The doll would never seem to reveal a personality of its own. I've had a few dolls that were very pretty, but just never got to that extra level of bonding.

If the doll isn't clicking in any way at all, I'd say sell it. But in the case of the OP, I'd wait longer... if you (general "you") like the doll even a little, I'd say give it a little more time before calling it.

 

Hm, it sounds like you bought a doll you weren't sure about, one you "kind of liked" rather than one you absolutely loved. If you buy a doll on a whim, a lot of times it just wasn't completely what you were looking for, and you'll never really bond with it. This happened to me a few times, dolly impulse buys that no matter how many times I changed their looks or how many months/years I had them, they were always "blah" and I never played with them.

I say sell the doll you have and buy a Migidoll Ryu ^_~

 

It seems that, at least for me, the heart and soul of the doll is in the eyes. If you haven't got the right eyes for your doll, it might just seem like an empty shell. Before ordering a pair of eyes, painting a pair of white marbles or --better yet -- some ofthose small round wooden balls they sell in craft stores like Micheals to make a pair of temporary eyes.

I had a bonding problem with my Bobobie tiny. I purchased her at a show on an impulse, I'm still not really sure why. I just wanted one. I stood at the table looking and looking at the tinies until I desided on which on I liked better. And you can see in her first pictures that she was squirmy and wild and looked just a little bit freaked out. After having her for 3 months I still didn't have a name for her and knew nothing about her personallity. So I decided some one-on-one bonding time was in order. I put her in the car, in the front seat, and took her to a local toy store to see if they had anything that might be her size. Instead of just looking at a doll and trying to see her character, it was easier to hold her up and "show" her little cars, bath tubs, doll houses, and other things and think "that doesn't quite look like her," or "hm, that seems to fit with her." It was sort of my way of getting to know her in some kind of context; it's similar to asking a stranger specific questions rather than just saying "tell me about yourself," if that makes sense. Well, it worked and I felt closer to her. On the was home, she told me that her name is "Wenn."
My advise: Take your doll to a fabric store or toy store and talk to him. Ask them what they like, and you'll find that he'll talk back, though he may be a bit shy at first. And speak quietly to other shoppers don't think you're too crazy.

Hope this helps a little. I'm currently having bonding issues with my girl Elizabeth, but I 'm pretty sure it's her face-up. It's too... doll-like and lacks expression.

 

Ok, well looking at the two sculpts you're talking about - ie AoD Jimi and Ryu, they're two very different sculpts. I can see your argument, the one you could afford vs the one you couldn't. Another option is to try and get a matching Ryu head for your AoD body. The Ryu head should be able to fit the AoD body. You could always try selling your Jimi head. The chances are you could get between $30-$50 for it. I've seen Ryu heads selling for $100 - $200 depending on the face-up. If you hunt around, you could get a bargain.

I've had Ryu and he's a lovely head. I've also had an AoD Gu and he did nothing for me. They're two different styles of dolls. One is more realistic and the other more anime and stylised. You could simply be a person that prefers more realistic dolls. I know I am. I suggest keep the doll you have for now and start saving madly for a new head.

 

I was in this spot when I got Adam. I was so sure the doll would fit his character and yet when I got him I was disappointed. It took a few months for me to be happy with him, basically until Caitlin came home for me to accept seeing him as part of my group. Celeste she was a match the moment I opened the box. It takes time to see a new face within a group and even harder for the first doll if you were not 100% at first. It took nearly a year before I found the right eyes and wig for Rhiannon before I felt like that was her in doll form.

I say give it at least 6 months before calling it.

 

Still, I'd post a WTB thread if I were you. It might take some time, but I've seen them crop up every once in a while and I think you can definately get one

If nothing else, I'd look around at all the companies and see if you can find a similar doll, or even a doll you like better than Ryu. A lot of people will say "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." It's a nice saying, but I don't believe in it. You will always be thinking about the one that got away, and the random one will never measure up.

 

I used to think of bonding as something important. It felt like I needed that “connection” with my doll or else something was wrong.

Right now I have more than 20 dolls and I don’t have the time or the emotional space to form a deep connection or feel "in love" with over 20 inanimate objects. If the doll looks pretty and I have fun playing with it (dressing up, changing wigs and eyes, posing, looking at it, taking pictures), I’m happy.
I see my dolls as very expensive luxury items that give me joy and keep me occupied in a nice way when I want to relax. Fretting over bonding is not relaxing so I don’t do it any more. If I like the doll or if I see fun potential in working with it, things are fine. If I don’t like the doll and don’t see a way to change that, why should I keep it?

Dolls will always be hunks of plastic to me. Pretty, enjoyable hunks of plastic.

Don't give up. I've had dolls for which I felt deep feelings of repulsion upon opening the box (which baffled me a lot, because I buy dolls I think I'll like), but I've grown to like them too. All dolls have their strong points and if you focus on those, it will become easier to like the doll. Digging up a dolls potential and finding the right look is like a fun journey of discovery. It may be even something small like changing the eyes to a pair you got for free and discovering that these eyes make the doll look 10 times better than before, that will make you really love your doll.

 

You're very welcome. Just remember - there's no right or wrong way to go about this hobby.

Also, HobbySue had a great idea. You could attempt to build a hybrid with your AoD body and a MD Ryu head. I have no experience with either company, but with some research I'm sure you could learn more about the possibilities.

I just had to quote this. I couldn't have said it any better myself!

 

this might not help you too much, but i just thought i could reply with my own story.

This happened to me too, with my first, last year. I made the mistake of getting him without a face-up (is not like my mom ever really let me >.>) and I spent probably the whole year trying to get his faceup right, and I just felt like he was horrible, like he never looked the way I wanted him to be. I wanted to give him up but everytime i tried something rang into my head and told me "you can't" and it was, indeed, true. 'cause i just really couldn't, i have had him through so many bad things that happened in my life but also happy things and with time this amazing love for him came to me, and I also finally managed to make his faceup just right, but that only after i actually started loving him..... it took me about an year to do all this.

but all the dolls i have now are very dear to me, except of my cass who is just sorta too big... i find bonding to be a matter of preference (maybe the doll just isnt the size i like) and of course time. some people will instantly bond with their dolls (i had this happen with a few) but for some it just takes a lot to realize it.

 

The dream doll seemed to be a long way off, like, one I could never get, he was Luts Limited and they don't always show up on the marketplace and that sort of thing.

I'm actually rather scared of dolls for one reason or another, but I'd been enamoured with BJD's for a really long time, and loved dolls even though they still set me on edge, little apple, bleeding edge goths, lots of ones like that, so in the end I bought a doll. My friend Chai had been given one, and seeing pictures of hers just gave me the nudge towards wanting my own.. but, as I said, the one I wanted was a limited. So I ended up having to take a chance...

I picked a SOOM Laon, my lovely boy Daye, and soon as I got him I was like.. wow.. he i so beautiful.. but I had no idea who he was... I wasn't sure what to do with him, he had a face up, and I'd got him a wig... but that was all.. he had blue eyes, they were wrong, green ones, wrong.. pink ones.. oh god... just no.

Black clothing, big boots, colours, none of it worked.

Then about four months after I got him I saw an outfit on DOA, gold and brown, just like his wig, and I was like.. yes.

It's not how he looks now, he's developed more, but I bought him brown eyes, and stopped putting shoes on him, weird, I know, but it worked, it was him. He developed this odd little hippy persona, a friendly rivalry with my friends doll, who he's now together with, and he's picked up a whole story. I've had him about two years, and even now new things settled into place for me.

As long as you find the doll beautiful an attachment can happen, but if he feels really wrong to you, then you should do what feels better for you.

In the end, I got my dream Doll as well, my Luts Ethan, but I still love my Soom boy just as much as I ever did ^_^ Of course it's different for everyone, but eventually your doll could become something you love

My other dolls, My Soom Rian (Taylor) My Ethan (Kasey) and MSD Ruth (Zassy) Along with my Puki and my floatin MNM heads. xD Have been instant bonds, so it can happen, but I can never imagine being with my Daye

 

IMHO it depends on why you are having trouble bonding with your doll. If it is something about the sculpt itself that isn't working for you, then personally I wouldn't bother trying to bond anymore. Of course, you may grow to love it over time . . . or, that little thing that bugs you might bug you for the rest of eternity. However, if it isn't the sculpt, and your doll doesn't have a faceup you like and flattering eyes/wig, then I'd get those before declaring bonding failure. Faceups can make a world of difference, and in my experience, the right wig and eyes can give your doll that WOW factor and really define their character.

For me, (lack of) bonding becomes an obvious problem when I like the sculpt and the doll has a nice faceup, eyes, and wig and generally looks great to me . . . but I'm just not bonding with it. I am actually having this issue with my Bygg right now. I adore her sculpt, and she has a lovely faceup, flattering wig, and the perfect eyes. Yet, after 2+ months she still has no character and doesn't seem to want to "fit" into any that I can imagine for her. So as much as I love her look, I am considering re-homing her. On the flip side, it took me 4 months to name my Hati and get her a proper wig, but she had a character that worked right off the bat.

 

For me, it begins in my head. If the doll doesn't come alive in my mind -- that is, if I don't have a character already established for the sculpt -- it doesn't matter how attractive or desirable it is to me, it's not coming home.

I've had both OCs (original characters) looking for and finding doll-forms, and sculpts that inspired OCs and hence got bought. In all cases, the bonding process was virtually instant -- I knew when I unboxed them that they were to stay. Sure, it's taking a while for the dollies to get the right eyes, hair, face-ups and clothes, and sometimes the characters are still rather unformed when the mould comes home. But the most important thing is already established: I like the doll, and I have at least a general character for it. All that's left is to flesh everything out and make tangible what I've imagined.
So in my case, the imaginary character is key in the bonding process. That's how I operate.

Like others have said, why not spend some time getting to know your boy. I know a lot about my dollies even before they arrive, and I've been really fortunate that the sculpts and characters mesh very well together, despite the inaccurate face-ups, eyes, etc. If you have difficulty "seeing" his character in your imagination, you might want to do it physically (so to speak) -- explore different hair, eyes, outfits, to tease out the character or the most attractive appearance from the sculpt.

I hope this helps! Keep persevering with your boy... something will turn out. If all fails, you can always sell him and try again!