Doll Discrimination at Meetups

I wouldn't let this thread put you off - it's obvious from the responses that the negative experiences are very much in the minority. On the whole, people in this hobby may have their quirks but are a friendly and welcoming bunch.

Teddy

 

There are always people who want to feel superior to others in order to feel better about themselves. Whether it is through their "superior" dolls, their bigger cars, fancier houses, larger shoe collections... It's all a substitute for not feeling good in your own skin and needing others to be inferior in order to vindicate yourself.
And on the other side of the spectrum, some people are over-sensitive. If they brought a "cheap" doll and they themselves feel that their own doll is "inferior" somehow, or they're insecure in general, their feelings get hurt even though the other person didn't mean to be hurtful.

The weird thing is that BJD collecting is such a niche hobby, and the population in general tends to think it's 'weird' or even creepy, childish or silly.

Creating artificial 'status' like this is sometimes also a way for people to feel less awkward about the hobby. "Yes, I admit Iam a BJD collector, but I'm a superior one, because I only own the expensive brands."

 

I definitely agree with you that people like to be judgemental about things outside of the hobby as well. And the weirdest thing I find about it is expensive doesn't necessarily mean high quality!

 

Doll discrimination? I kind of feel like that's a stretch to be honest, but there's no doubt you've experienced some next level rudeness. IMO, if someone is hosting a meet, they need to be a proper host. This means introducing yourself to newbies who are attending, introducing them to others, and trying to include *everyone*, not just your friends in conversation and activity. No one is saying not to talk to your friends, but if you just want to hang out with a group of friends, hold a private meet; that's fine, too: just don't treat a public meet as a private one.

I went to a meet almost 10 years ago, but it put me off going to a BJD meet ever again. I was new and was really excited about meeting other doll areas locally. I thought that people would be welcoming and friendly to new people, but they weren't. People didn't introduce themselves, so I took it upon myself to say hello, ask people question about their dolls, etc. I posted on DoA not too long ago after saying how I did not enjoy myself and would not go to another one. One of the attendees there said I looked like I was enjoying myself, and she didn't understand where this was coming from.

Thing is, I can be social when I have to, but a lot of my conversations were very painful. I put the effort to engage others, but conversation was not reciprocated. I would ask a question, they would respond, then silence. To me, this is one of the worst things ever.

I have been to non-BJD conventions since (but BJDs would be welcome), and they can be overwhelming, especially when they are in another state. I think many people struggle with approaching strangers, so they wait for others to make the move. I can't say I blame them. Now, when I see people who are clearly by themselves, I introduce myself and invite them to sit with me and introduce them to other people at my table. I met two of my closest doll friends this way and have gained a handful more.

Hopefully you will have a much better experience the next time you go!

 

Those attendees remind me of myself. I'm painfully shy and tend to let others do most of the talking if I can help it. Sometimes I would rather just hang out in the general vicinity of people than talk myself.

 

Can you explain to me why you would attend a meetup then? Is it only to see dolls? I'm genuinely curious. Do you want people to talk to you or only say hi and nothing else? If you are painfully shy, but someone makes an effort to talk to you, would you prefer that they not? I didn't know anyone either, but I don't want to sit around with people where there is zero conversation.

For me, I go to a meetup to meet new people, so that means being social and engaging with others. In your case, it seems different, so can you help me better understand?

 

It's weird. Half of me wants to talk and interact, and half of me does not. It's a constant struggle of kind of forcing myself to be more social. Also, meets are the only times I feel comfortable bringing my dolls out in public. Strength in numbers and all that. And I do like seeing other people's dolls in real life. Sometimes it's easier to listen to people talk to each other than talk myself since doing so can be nerve-wracking. If someone talks to me I might talk a bit, but in the end my shy self will probably win out and I'll try to fade into the background. I'm not trying to be cold. The whole thing is just always a bit stressful. But I know if I just stay home all the time I'll get lonely. Like I said, it's weird.

 

@stargazer_i Let me assure you that the Canadian doll members are mostly friendly (as were the visiting Americans) and Doll North is a very welcoming and accepting place.

@honeyedbiscuit I had to do that at my first meet, and even though I'm pretty extroverted by nature, it sure was awkward. But I'm also old enough to not give a rat's fart about being pushy and introducing myself, so I learned to overcome my "social niceties" and I've made some good doll friends since. Most of the time I forget that people are more shy than I am.

 

@iamkathybrown Ahhh, okay! Thanks for explaining. I guess if I were to encounter a personality similar to yours at a meet, I probably would stop talking to you because I would presume that you do not wish to continue a conversation and wanted me to go away. Keep in mind that I don't know you, so I wouldn't know that this is your personality, and that you're fine being around people without really engaging them. For me, when I go out, it's to interact with others and to make some new friends with people who want to be my friend. I don't ever feel lonely at home and enjoy being there. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to answer!

@A Wee Tiefling I've attended way too many networking events than to have a similar experience happen at a doll meet lol! I love my local meet ups and really enjoy the dolly conventions I go to and striking up conversations with new people. Everyone has always been warm and friendly!

 

Leaving asside the issue of blatant rudeness about particular dolls/companies or whatever, I think that a lot can depend on the dynamics of the group, and the type of meet they are used to holding/attending.

I've been to meets hosted in people's homes and attended largely by members of a specific small forum, who all know each other online already, so meeting in person is an extension of knowing each other online. The host is the person whose home we're gathered in, we know each other's dolls and each other (to an extent from online interaction) and it's a matter of chatting, seeing the dolls in person rather than pictures.

I've been to public meets attended largely by people who happen to be from the same geographical area, some of who know each other from following the same threads on a larger forum like DoA, some of who don't. As events, they're a bit different, and tend to be more of the, we've booked the venue, we have it until this time, here's what you need to know, now have-at-it variety. Yes, technically there's a host but sometimes only inasmuch as they're the one that booked the venue/arranged the meet, not in terms of introducing everyone to each other and offering refreshments as would be tha case with the private meets in someone's house.

At that type of meet, once you're there, the nominal host is largely just another person attending the meet. It can be a bit more daunting for newcomers, especially if they're shy or socially awkward. It would probably have put me off, at least a bit, back in the days when I was shy and socially awkward (I still am to an extent, but with age and experience has come more confidence to dive in and start talking to people). I still sometimes encounter the blank silence after my inital greeting or question has been met. It happens, some people aren't comfortable with conversation. There's also the toher end of the scale where you can't get away from someone once you've engaged them in conversation....

Before my first public meet (which happens to have been a DoA meet), I was warned that the group were a bit cliquey and unwelcoming. I was wary of attending as a result, but went anyway and found that they were actually very friendly and welcoming, and it later transpired that the person who warned me about their unfriendlyness had confused the group with another nearby group (who I haven't encountered, as far as I'm aware, so that warning is still only hearsay over 10 years later).

Which is a long-winded way of saying that it's likely to be a different experience for everyone, since there's so much variation of group dynamics, type of meet, and individual personality involved. One person's fun-and-friendly meet might well be another's too-much-to-cope-with, and another's people-didn't-come-up-and-talk-to-me.

Teddy

 

I cannot understand people who collect dolls that want to be nasty about other peoples collections we are not all going to like the same ones. I love looking at all dolls on DOA and even ones that don't appeal to me personally I love how the owner has dressed her/him etc.
I have not been able to attend at doll meet up or function as not many in the UK but have gone to the Doll and teddy bear fairs which is more selling and always find those people very friendly and happy to talk about their dolls or bears

 

Not sure if this is on topic anymore, but I also consider myself a painfully shy person but I very badly want to talk about myself and my dolls. I find it immensely difficult and intimidating to initiate conversations, but once someone makes an effort to engage me I'm more than happy to talk. Perhaps it's not fair to put the burden on other people to do the initiating, though.

 

People's level of chattiness in groups varies a lot, I've found... Some individuals are simply prone to being "motor-mouths" who'll talk up a storm, dominating conversations. Others will rarely say anything at all, staying in the background... Being one of the quiet people isn't necessarily an indication of social awkwardness, or shyness or an antisocial personality. It's not even always an indication of general introversion or extroversion. Some of us are just natural listeners rather than speakers.

 

Very good point

Teddy

 

I had a situation happen but it's a bit of a grey area. YEARS ago( close to ten) I got a Bamicrony fairy in colored resin. It was a new body type, but I didn't know that and when I showed up a Bamicrony collector started calling my doll a bootleg because it didn't match her dolls.
On one hand if it really was a bootleg I'd have liked being told. But it wasn't and quick research later that night proved it wasnt.
But it was to late, everyone was calling her my little bootleg in an overly sweet snarky tone. I ended up selling her because of the resentment I had towards the doll.
On one hand it really could have been handled better, on the other hand if I had brought a bootleg to the meet up it did need to be addressed.
Thankfully I went to dozens of other meet ups all over the country and NOTHING like that has happened since. Everyone has been nice and friendly, especially when it was my first meet up in their area.

 

One of the few things I've seen and probably done is look down on re-casts/boot legs. I understand completely being clueless about the situation, but to fully know and don't care about buying a re-cast/boot leg all because it's cheaper. First off it hurts the actual company makes these dolls thus some of the reasons why the actual company goes out of business and second we've all heard the horror stories about buying a re-cast, like the resin poisoning, green dolls, funky smells, etc. I totally understand that you can't afford to buy a bjd but there are second hand markets (like here) and respectable companies that make their bjds at a affordable price, not to mention layaway programs, most companies are willing to work with you on their layaway programs anyways. Also not everyone can afford them either, heck I'm one of those people too but I do save up for what I want, a little at a time and yes it can take a while but it's worth it, at least to me.

As for meetups that I've hosted in the past, I've never experienced or seen brand discrimination, if I did I would have said something about it.

But once I was at another person's event the only thing I seen been down frowned upon is just bring a dolly head to the party. It wasn't me but a person that I brought with me and another member of this forum. I didn't understand that, so what it's a bjd head? Some people that start out can't afford the body just yet or they found the head that they love and/or haven't gotten the body that they want for their head. Whatever their reasons it doesn't matter and they can be happy with their bjd head. Yeah that meetup was weird anyways but they had a lot of dollies that where BJDs and fashion dolls, so I didn't understand what was the hold up there.

 

Yeah, I'm the same. In real life, I have to deal with too much drama to care about some stranger being snooty over a doll. Calling them out is my prefered method. Because his kind of behavior is not really about the recipient, it's about the insecurities of the person being rude. By tearing people down, they try to get a little power and importance, so don't give it to them.

This youtube video explains this behavior and how to deal with it really well. It shows that the bully (someone who wants to hurt your feelings) wants to win this 'game' and all you have to do is make them lose. I see it the same way: