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doll jealousy

Oct 24, 2019

    1. I have a rather strange problem.
      My friend has started to collect BJD dolls too.
      She has just bought her third doll.

      We actually have a different doll taste, but when there is a doll we both like and want it becomes problematic.
      It sounds childish, but she is currently very angry at me because I want to buy the same doll she has.

      I wonder why it is like that.
      It's as if she is worried to lose a beloved person or having to share him.

      Did anyone if you experience this kind of doll jealousy too? How did you behave?

      I wonder if I should not buy the doll to respect her feelings or if I should just ___ off...
      • x 2
    2. I'm going to preface this by saying you are not in the wrong. If anything, this just shows how special the doll must be since both of you, despite having different tastes, both like. Moving on, feelings of possessiveness like that are almost always caused by a sense of insecurity. She has to have different dolls than you because she wants her collection set apart from yours.

      I'm very well rehearsed with this kind of feeling because it's actually very common in siblings. Many older siblings hate it when their younger sibling starts to like the same things as them because it feels like they're taking away something from them. Something, perhaps the only thing, that makes them feel special.

      In your case, your friend might be feeling upset about you wanting to get the same doll because she feels, perhaps on the unconscious level, that somehow having someone so close to her have the same doll she does makes her doll less special. Or she's afraid of comparing yours to hers and feeling inferior.

      With that out of the way, while it's important to understand and respect your friend's feelings, your feelings matter just as much. If you like the doll, then get it. There are so many other people that probably own that doll. The only difference is the proximity between you and your friend. If she doesn't mind strangers owning the doll, she can get used to you having it too. Plus, bending to your friend's insecurities is actually detrimental to them in the long run as well. It's something they'll just have to get over.

      Edit: If they seem strangely insistent or hurt even, do try to talk to them first explaining how much you really love the doll. Communication is key in preventing misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
      #2 HoushiChan, Oct 24, 2019
      Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
      • x 20
    3. If a friend wanted one of the sculpts I already owned I would be flattered and excited. Our dolls could share clothes and wigs! Your friend doesn’t seem like much of friend.
      • x 3
    4. I agree with the comments above, too - that this kind of feeling usually stems from insecurity.

      One thing that occurred to me: Is her doll representing a specific character that belongs to her? Like an original character she cares deeply about? In that case, perhaps she doesn't want the character to be diminished by having the same face so close by, often in the same photos, etc.

      However, if you have different tastes and styles, perhaps sharing your plans for the doll and showing how they are different from hers might make her feel better. The same sculpts can look entirely different depending on how they are styled. Maybe show her some "company vs. owner" pictures or a collection of photos from different owners to demonstrate how unique each doll is, despite being the same sculpt.

      You have the right to buy any doll you want, regardless of what she thinks, but you may be able to ease her into the idea. Perhaps she'll end up liking it in the end! Good luck!
      • x 3
    5. Maybe you should face her about this. Things could go south very easily, especially if she is that jealous. I used to ignore those signs with my EX friends because I believed the things they were jealous of were stupid and childish matters and then YIKES. Bad things used to happen.
      • x 2
    6. I often felt like that when I was growing up. I was the middle child in my family with two spoiled rotten brothers. I rarely had anything that was just mine, so if one of them started to get into something that I liked I would get seriously jealous. Which was sad, because I love to share things. I want people to be happy with the same things and enjoy doing those things with me. I'm much better now, I don't get like that anymore. Now I spend my energy on just making my dolls/characters complete.

      Let your friend know that while they're the same sculpt, they aren't going to be "the same doll". You're sharing her joy, but bringing your own joy to the table. There's nothing to compare because they'll be two different dolls. I agree with respecting her feelings but don't stop yourself from getting the doll you want.
      • x 2
    7. I actually feared that somebody might feel this way when I was getting the same sculpt that she once had but she said it was fine. Well, I guess on my part, I feel like if your doll is styled differently and you didn't try to use the same name she picked, same clothing style, same wig, same eyes... It shouldn't be a huge issue. Or maybe they could even be related if you two shared a similar storyline.
      • x 1
    8. I get this from both sides.

      From her side, I can kinda understand; I had a relative that tried to emulate me by copying everything I did. Clothes, interests...she even claimed we had the same disease. While I don't think this is the case, she may be worried you're attempting to make the same doll as her. I should not make assumptions but that is the only thing I could think she would be concerned about.

      It's not like you're going to have the exact same doll. And that's the beauty of this hobby; even with the same sculpt, they can look completely different. Personally, I would (calmly) ask her about why she is acting this way and see if you two could have a mutual agreement.
      • x 2
    9. I'd say she needs to get a grip and put on her Big Girl Pants.

      Buy whatever doll you want If she doesn't like you having the same doll as her, she's going to have a lot of problems in the BJD community as a whole as she's likely to encounter many others who also have the same doll.

      She'll either learn to deal with it or she won't. Either way, it's not your problem, it's hers.

      • x 6
    10. Gotta say, I agree with @Teddy on this. I don’t know how old your friend is, but this is very immature. I could kinda understand it if you planned an exact copy but I’ve been to meets where people own the same sculpt and they’re all very different dolls. She also needs to accept your autonomy & that dolls are products which anyone is entitled to buy.
      • x 2
    11. I kind of agree with this. My best friend and I have have several of the same sculpts, have traded dolls with one another, and extended loaned dolls to each other (she's got two of mine right now). We've never had any issues. As long as you're not planning to copy her doll to the exact minute details, I don't get why it's a problem. Personally I love it when I find the people who have the same molds as I have, with a lot of my dolls, they're few and far between, and I like seeing what others do with them.
      • x 1
    12. That's so weird. Not saying she's inherently bad for feeling this way, but when people want things like what I have, I get so excited. "Yes! Absolutely go get this t-shirt, get this toy, get a figurine like this one, I'll tell you where I got this hat!" Because not only does it reinforce that I have good taste, but I'm ecstatic that the things I love will get more support from others.

      Try to rationalize it like this: You don't have to be jealous that someone has something like yours, or seems like they're "copying" you. It means that they respect your vision and your likes so much that they develop an interest in the same thing. Your dolls are going to be totally different even if they're the same sculpt, simply because you guys ARE different people.

      Like, I know that the doll I want, Dollshe Saint, isn't exactly an original doll. There are so many on this website it's incredible. But there's a reason he's popular. He's awesome. And when more people buy him, more things will be made that are like him. So that makes me stoked about it.

      Again, this advice is more directed to your friend than you. For you, I say go for it. If you really want something, don't let someone else's opinions change that.
      • x 1
    13. Yes, the sculpt is made after a guy from an idol group we both like. I don't like the guy in reality, but it happened to me that I like the doll.
      I want to make the doll look unique and not nike the idol at all.
      She always critisized me for not liking the guy, but it seems problematic to her if I own his doll version.
      She is very contrary, which makes it so hard to deal with her sometimes.
      I think you are all right, she has a low self esteem, though she is an amazing crafter and she also does quite nice face ups.
      She is very insecure because she probably thinks I can do some things better than her.
      That's probably all about it...
      • x 1
    14. That does sound difficult! As someone with low self-esteem problems, I know it must be hard for her, and also hard for you when it causes her to act unfairly. I hope that you will be able to work something out so you can still be friends and can still enjoy dolls together.
      • x 2
    15. yes, we have actually a lot of fun together with our dolls... This matter shouldn't get between us.
    16. Oh gosh, I don’t think I could imagine this. :( I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this conflict with your friend, especially over a doll you both love.

      I personally love when people have the same doll as me. I’ve met many friends in this hobby simply because I followed them since we had the same doll. One thing I love to see is how different the same sculpt looks between owners. I even have one friend who also has the default faceup, like I do, but I changed the eyelashes and our styling is so different, too. I don’t think there would ever be any mixing up of our dolls even when all we’ve really changed was wigs, clothes, and eyes. Perhaps this is something you can show your friend.

      Reassure her that your friendship goes beyond a doll and that you certainly do not want her to think you’re trying to copy or one-up her, but do not sacrifice your own happiness to keep a friend happy. A real friend would not want you to do that.
      • x 3
    17. I understand how she feels to an extent, so I’ll give my take: My friend and I have our dolls in the same world and I write stories and do photostories for them. Certain characters of ours are well established, and if she had wanted to shell one of these main characters as the same sculpt as one of mine, I would have been a bit upset and awkward about it because the same face appearing in the photostories as two cast members would feel jarring to the world I’ve laboured so hard to create.

      Fortunately this hasn’t come up, and when it comes to characters outside of this main story that I have so much invested in, I wouldn’t think of trying to tell her what to do. I own and love a pale, dark-haired Dollshe Saint and a 5th Motif Venitu, so if redundancy in general bothered me that much I’d just have to get over it. If she wanted to buy one of them, I would have be a jerk and tell her not within my story, but otherwise, you do you.

      The market is huge and there are so many heads to choose from now that I couldn’t own all the ones I wanted, so if it were me, having my friend own one might just be enough. One thing I’ve learned during my time in the hobby is that like art, you don’t always need to own a sculpt yourself to appreciate it. Ask yourself if seeing hers periodically is enough to scratch that itch or if this is absolutely THE guy for your plans. Also ask yourself if gentle negotiation doesn’t work, however immature she might be behaving, is it worth damaging your friendship with her over a doll? This particular guy could be very personal to her, but if this controlling tendency is a pattern for her, and squashing your feelings for the sake of peace is a pattern for you, maybe you DO need to stand up for yourself with her in general. That could be the end of the friendship depending on what your ‘social contract’ is. The answers to these questions will determine your course. I hope my rambling was helpful in some way and that it works out.
      • x 3
    18. Hello,

      This is an interesting topic, though I think a lot of comments have already touched on how I feel about this.

      Have to agree that communication is key. No, you cannot tell her what to do, much like how she should not be telling you what to do either.

      You can, however, tell her how it makes you feel, if you're upset that she won't allow you to have the same sculpt, acknowledge that you understand where she's coming from, and if you decide to get the doll anyway, just say it's not a personal vendetta towards her in case she feels that way.

      Hope you guys can talk it out and come to a general consensus.

      On a side note, if she absolutely cannot stomach the idea of sharing, if it's the sculpt you want and not the idol that it represents, perhaps you can ask her to help you find a similar sculpt?
    19. That negative reaction is strange to me... the same sculpt can look so different between two owners, it's not at all like copying just to get the same sculpt unless you're copying the entire look of another person's doll.

      If it was me, I would be excited to see how my friend would make her doll unique.
      It seems to me that your friend is not being reasonable at all.
    20. Not to mention with the same owner - I have four of the same sculpt, and while I have two of them as twins, the other two are very different

      • x 3