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Dolls and Gender Divisiveness

Feb 5, 2011

    1. I am a male who collects BJDs, but I have no issues with appearing effeminate or 'gay' in public because I am both. Most people pass me off as female at first glance (the fact that I wear dresses helps that fact), so when they see me with my dolls their first assumptions are going to be about the fact that I have a doll with me, not the fact that I am male and have a doll with me.

      As unfair as it is, I think that people think it is more common for a girl to have a doll then a boy. And it seems to be. I think that if I were more 'manly', so to speak, and I went out in public with my doll, I would get many more stares then I already do. Dolls are considered to be 'girly', even if they are collectible. It makes me sad to think that if a male friend of mine who isn't as effeminate as me were to go out with a doll in his arms, he would get way more disapproving stares then I would... gender equality and all that.
       
    2. So far this has not proven as true as I thought it would. At least not in my experience. We live in Tx which is not a place known for its acceptance of differences, but my husband can walk down the street or through a store with doll in arms and be greeted with curiosity and friendly questions more often than not. My husband, while not the most masculine man in the world personality wise, could not be confused for a woman by a passing observer. I am more typically confused for a man than he is for a woman (having a shaved head is not helping my femininity). I am sure part of it is just that he is a very friendly and approachable guy. People are automatically attracted to him and want to talk to him. They just don't seem to have negative reactions to him, no matter how "abnormal" what he is doing might seem to be. Occasionally people will stop and circle him before speaking up but every time they have nothing but nice things to say about his dolls. Though we have been asked more than once if this is some sort of performing art. I on the other hand cannot go anywhere without being stared at even without the dolls, between my hair, the tattoos and the piercings. I have to have a dog or one of my kids with me to even be considered approachable. I think I get more weird stares when carrying the dolls than hubby does but I may be paranoid. Only little kids and old people like me. Oh well, I'm socially inept anyway.
       
    3. I believe that each person has the right to start a collection of the items that she/he liked. I am not a person who judge others for theirs interests and hobbies. In fact, it would be really good if some guys start to collect BJD in my area because here the people is still too narrow minded that sometimes it is really disgusting, I hope it is only a matter of time until the people start to chage.
       
    4. I want to meet the stereotypical gay guy that likes dolls, is a closet fashion designer and queen. Why? I need a play partner. I imagine that this guy would e happy to have tea parties, play dress up and act out scenes from whatever book or movie caught our fancy.

      Personally I could really care less if a guy collects dolls or not, if he's straight or not. I only have one question, can we play together? I know several guys that are into BJDs and I enjoy them all. All 3 straight and only one of them sews. I can't imagine the meetups without them. And secretly they inspire me to be more true to myself as they are doing just that. But I love a man with a doll, it says that he can take care of something delicate. That warms me up.
       
    5. I've never been to a doll meet, nor have I met any male BJD collectors, but I wouldn't think of it negatively, I wouldn't assume that he was homosexual nor would I automatically think that he was heterosexual. I try to be as accepting and open-minded of everything as possible, I don't tend to discriminate. I have no thoughts that dolls are only for girls anymore then I think that only girls and gay boys are allowed to like the color pink. Hey, the person who taught me to tat lace was a lovely elderly man, I didn't think twice about it. nor would I spend more then a moment to recognize that I was seeing a male at a doll meet. Pfft, I would EXPECT to see guys at a doll meet as much as I would expect to see girls. I don't think that gender has anything to do with anything in this case.
       
    6. If I saw a guy with a doll.... I'd probably be a LOT more comfortable with him. Men tend to intimidate me (sorry guys). The fact that he can handle a doll and be mature about it (be he gay straight or wavering) I think I would find myself much more comfortable.
       
    7. Who cares? :lol: Seriously, though. I honestly don't care if you're gay, straight, bi, asexual, male, female, transgender, neuter, or whatever--if you like dolls, I'll talk to you! In this day and age it shouldn't matter anymore. Even living in conservative Alberta, I know this >>' I can't see why it should make a difference at all. In fact I'd love to meet a BJD-collecting male--I haven't met one and it makes me a bit sad ;(
       
    8. The thing that has always amazed me about this hobby is how remarkably tolerant the majority of us are to things that others--for example, the small community I live in--would make a point of publicly criticising. Look at the variety of relationships, species and individual creativity we have reflected here in our dolls. I don't find the gender of collectors amazing or even germane.

      I'm in an online community of anime geeks. They're all guys; I'm the token female otaku, and they actually get a kick from that. When my son was in high school, his friends loved the fact I was a gamer--I was the cool mom by their standards. The only difficult gender/doll issue I've ever had to contend with was when my son was small. He saw a doll he fell in love with, just one of those vinyl and cloth, common-as-dirt baby dolls. Not only was she a doll *gasp* ... she was an African-American doll (we're wickedly-sunburnable pale-skinned). The only time I ever felt defensive about gender and dolls was when he, insisting his beloved Danny Girl had to come everywhere with him, sat blissfully on the floor in a hardware store, chatting with her while I picked out molly bolts. If he heard the comments, he didn't acknowledge them. I seethed.

      He now has his own BJD. :)

      This isn't about what we are, it's about what we love. Fortunate fruitcakes that we might be, at least we appreciate this. And I can't really fault someone who feels uncomfortable ... that's a feeling. But I certainly can quibble with what they actively choose to do with that discomfort.
       
    9. I'm a girl, I don't feel any different towards men or women at meets honestly. I have met some really nice doll friends who happen to be male, and then many who are women as well. Personally, it'd be nice if more men were into the hobby, just to even things out ^^
       
    10. I am a man in the doll hobby, but I am also a transgendered man. I started my transition last year.

      I'll be perfectly honest, since then, I have avoided the live hobby scene, and face-to-face meetings with other owners, since I've started to actively move forward in my life, the way I am supposed to be. Whenever, even, I see other doll owners from my area who I've met before, I tend to shy away from discussions they are taking place in because I'm afraid they'll ask me to come and see them. I haven't told them all I'm transitioning, and 'how others perceive you' becomes a very painful, touchy subject, especially when you have to explain yourself over and over to others why you're so drastically different than when they met you.

      I'm not saying that they -would- judge me, but I am only being honest here when I say that I am afraid they will. Not really being afraid of being seen as effeminate or gay (I am fairly feminine looking, still, and for anyone who knows anything about 'trans slang', I only 'pass' about 40% of the time; being girly looking is just part of the process, and as for being gay, well....I am, so.) but because I am very aware that I used to be seen as female to them. To change that image in their minds terrifies me. To be judged on that, even to the point of, 'well, you don't -look- like a guy' unnerves me so much that I likely will not see my fellow doll owners for quite some time. That's a big thing for me. I'm a permanent fixture in this community, and many of my closest friends are here. But, as it is, I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of seeing them face to face, now. I personally hope that passes.

      Just to keep on topic with the debate, whenever I've seen cisgendered men at meet-ups, they have always been taken in (at least where I live) into the community without so much as eyelashes being bat at them. Girls love their company. I enjoy the company of other male doll owners, though I have only met a few. They are not valued as less or more in the community. They're just there. Rarities, certainly, but there none the less, and not looked up strangely for it.

      As for being seen as a male by others who did not know me before, I will admit, I carry a certain amount of shame whenever I wear even purple shoes, or something 'girly', again, not because I'm afraid I'll look 'gay' or 'girly', but because for me, it's all about 'passing'. What if I don't look right? What if someone asks me what the point is, if I'm just 'going to be girly' anyway? You know?
       
    11. I have collected dolls in general for about 30 years. When I was younger I was a bit surprised to see guys at doll shows buying dolls because I always thought it was a girl thing. Now I am so used to it I would have never thought anything about a guy with BJDs. My husband doesn't collect them but he doesn't mind carrying my kids around at malls or other places for me and it doesn't bother him what anybody thinks. My dad loves sexy lady dolls and has some Marilyn Monroe type dolls and he kids me that he is going to take Anastasia home because she likes him better! So nope, guys with dolls doesn't bother me!
      Well except when I am jealous of their gorgeous dolls...;)
       
    12. Uncomfortable or resentful? Not at all. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome that a guy can be comfortable in himself enough to collect dolls. That is, at least in the presence of our subculture. I haven't met a guy at a doll-meet (I've only been to one at a convention), but I've seen them around the forum. I don't make any assumptions about their sexuality or personality. Everyone is different. I mean, I don't think even I, a girl, will be going around boasting I collect dolls to strangers. But I think friends, family, and people who are supposed to care about you should accept your hobby- provided you aren't starving yourself for it or something. But that has nothing to do with gender.
       
    13. When you encounter a man at a doll meet up, or on these forums, does it make you feel uncomfortable or resentful? How do you feel about the presence of men in this hobby in general?

      I am a girl (ignore my forum nick lol), and while I have never been to doll meets, I do not feel uncomfortable or resentful when I encounter a guy who own dolls on the forums or elsewhere. I might feel surprised at first if I do encounter them in real life, but that's because men who like/collect dolls are generally so rare in this hobby. I would tend to feel curious though but it wouldn't change my perception of them as any other guys out there. In fact, i think dolls might be a very good ice breaker or conversation starter if I do encounter them at doll meets! :)
       
    14. I am a male who collects Dollfies
      I dont really hide my hobby as to me its just a slighty different take and up scale of anime figures which plenty of other male geeks collect. I havent gotten any dirty looks from women at doll meets but they probably dont want to discuss their boys private parts with me!
       
    15. I am a male who I guess could say looks quite manly and while I don't have a doll I wouldn't have a problem being seen with one in public. A few days ago I saw a grumpy old man riding a bike and in basket on the handlebars two tiny lil' white dogs with pink highlights, I didn't even think about his sexuality until reading this thread and he definately couldn't be described as effeminate - I just thought "crazy dog people". I would usually find anyone traveling with something small and cute more approachable of either gender unless they look and act unapproachable. I did worry I'd be too scaryman for girly-girls into dolls but I am quite personable I think.
       
    16. While attending AWA one year, I met a man who was carrying around one of his dolls. He held her very proudly, up near his shoulder, and had her turned so she could have a view of all the goings-on. I talk with him for a short while about the dress she was wearing, and he said he had sewn it himself. (It was incredibly detailed, just gorgeous!)
      Getting to the point, the man seemed to have no shame at all about his hobby, and no one at the con seemed to hold any negative feelings towards him. Of course, people are all a little wacky at anime conventions... ;) But in that particular case, it seemed to me that there was nothing out of the ordinary about a male doll collector.

      As for my end, being a woman: I really have no issue with men getting into this hobby~ I think I would actually be more comfortable around them if they DID like BJDs, because it would express their attention to details, and signify that they could be delicate with something when need-be. That's a good trait to have, regardless of gender. ;)
       
    17. First off, I'll state that I am a straight guy and have four dolls (three resin & one vinyl). I first became interested in dolls because of my interest in anime; and thus discovered Volks Dollfie Dreams. Now, while my first girl Cossette (Volks SDC Sora) is a resin doll, I tend to hang out on the DD related forums, which tend to be more male dominated (DD = very large action figure). So in my interactions on the forums there, one can actually assume "male" first. Thus, until I became part of the DoA community, I actually tended to think of dollfie type dolls as a more "male" oriented hobby anyway.

      Now, in terms of actually going out in public with my girls (e.g. meet-ups, outdoor photoshoot), I am rather disinclined. Only my former college roomate and one of my siblings knows that I keep any dolls. I will cite gender stereotypes in the USA as the primary source of my disinclination to be more open about my girls. I also only have girl dolls because if/when people do find out about them, it is much easier to explain keeping girl dolls than boy dolls.
       
    18. Since I was last on this thread, I've developed a whole new appreciation for what you male guys go through. Not that I was ever small-minded about it, I've always been pretty... not into gender rules. But I joined an action-figure centric forum where everyone is generally assumed male first. Not that I was ever the model of femininity, but man, I've never been called 'bro' so many times in my life...

      Still, it's friendly and affectionate, so for the most part it doesn't bother me at all. Especially since most of the guys are very cool with female collectors when they discover someone is one. But now I've seen the whole gender divide from the other side, so, yeah.

      =^__^=
      Anneko
       
    19. I also have this problem. I get judged, and judged hard, whenever I have anything either traditionally feminine-oriented (such as one of those tiny knapsacks that go on your back, in cute shapes. I have a lady bug, and it's good for keeping my small laptop on the go, but I get looked at or assumed as female if I bring it with me), or heck, I also have a Limited Edition Pokemon White DSi, and I get REALLY dirty looks for carrying that around with me. I really don't want to make it worse. Even if people 'aren't' judging you, they certainly are inferring a lot about you personality by what tags along with you. Guys with dolls? From others who aren't already part of the doll community, there's quite a bit of squinting going on when 'bro' pulls out his SD in a frilly dress.

      I'd rather just not deal with it. Since coming out, I don't talk about my doll hobby with friends anymore. Unless they catch me looking up dolls online in my free time. But now, it has this degree of being sheepish to it that was much easier to ignore/excuse when I was perceived as a woman.

      There's this perception out there that effeminate means you are less of a man. Anything that 'women' stereotypically like (dolls, make-up, sewing) is free game for egg on your face. Again, not in the community, and certainly not always outside of it, but there is a definite inclination for a good amount of people to look down on guys for these kinds of things.

      The hobby, as it is (as I've already said somewhere near the top of this page) is fairly open-minded when it comes to gender and sexuality.
       
    20. Its true that most bjd collecters are women, but there also a lot of guys are into this hobby. If in Japan, both many women & men are equally, really into this hobby, & for them its just the usuals as always. But most mens there like to collect Dollfies, while women are more into Super Dollfies.