Guys who are in BJD hobby.

Mar 15, 2019

    1. How would you open up and confess about your BJD hobby to your girlfriend? Especially guys in their 20s.
       
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    2. Dan Savage is a relationship columnist, and he always says that ifyou need to confess something potentially embarrassing to a partner - how you do it makes a lot of difference.

      If you present it with confidence and joy, as if there is no reason whatsoever your gf will find it weird, your partner is more likely to vibe off your attitude and mirror it.

      If you present it awkwardly and with shame, your gf is going to be encouraged by your attitude to also see it as embarrassing.

      Confidence is attractive! And social pressure is powerful: act as if you expect everyone to think your hobby is cool, and it creates a social dynamic where if your gf is weird about it, then it's just her being peculiar.

      If you're super into the crafting side of it, thst could be an angle to take - whether it's story writing, photography, design etc. Skilled hobbies are cool. It sets you apart from guys who are just into watching telly.

      The other thing is - relationships are built on respect. If you share something you love & value with your partner, and they are rude or dismissive, dump them like a hot plate. Life is too short. A good partner might not share or understand your interests, but shouldn't mock you or make you feel wrong or like hiding or changing what you like just to please them. If your gf responds poorly to it, then it's a really good sign to end the relationship: you deserve someone who loves you for everything you are. It's not about the dolls, it's about respect, kindness, friendship, the ability to be yourself.

      So you could even think of it as a good "litmus test" for discovering if you've found a partner who has really good qualities and values, or if you're dating someone shallow and unsupportive. Like the quote "the way you do one thing is the way you do everything". A gf who is rude or dismissive about your dolls is also going to be rude and unsupportive about more significant things.

      Ie this is what I mean about, try and fake a confidence when you tell your gf. "Open up and confess" sounds you've done something shameful and wrong. You wouldn't feel like "confessing" you were in a band (unless I guess you're the guy from Sk8er Boi...), you'd have confidence that this was freakin cool and it made you cool.

      So the key is, to try and fake that confidence - even if you don't feel it. You're sharing your awesome crafting, collecting, creative hobby with your partner! And hope your partner responds to the confidence and pride you carry yourself with.
       
      #2 ASlipInTime, Mar 15, 2019
      Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2019
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    3. To add to what @ASlipInTime said - if after you've told her she seems uncomfortable - ask her why and address her concerns. There's a lot of weird bias against guys/masc people in general with dolls, and dispelling that head on would go a long way, I think. If she's actively mean, that... might be a bigger problem.

      Most relationship and conflict resolution advice comes down to clear communication. Dolls are cool. It's an art hobby. The only monster here is toxic masculinity.
       
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    4. Girlfriend here!
      My boyfriend got his first doll last weekend (after seeing me fall in love with all of my dolls), and we were both thrilled! He never saw himself as someone wanting a doll, but he's ecstatic about how cool they are and how much potential they have for his D&D characters and favourite comic/anime characters. It doesn't make him any less masculine or "cool;" he's even said he would bring it to work with him (as a joke, 'cause he can't carry around a doll while cooking at a restaurant).

      Honestly, just tell the truth. If it's something important to you, and your S.O. really loves you, she won't leave you over a hobby or shame you for it. And if she does, then she's the one that's not good enough.
      Everyone has hobbies and everyone's hobbies are different. Maybe you two can even connect in new ways with dolls :kitty2
       
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    5. ALSO, if those concerns are valid, take them seriously! Like, say for example you prefer (or just happen to have in your collection) dolls with a certain body type, resin color, aesthetic ... it would be very understandable for your s/o to feel uncomfortable if they themselves either didn't match that look all ("am i not attractive to him? does he fantasize about people who look like that?") or if they were uncannily similar ("does he fetishize this feature/quality? is that the only reason he's attracted to me?").

      Before you go straight to "kick 'em to the curb", consider that while some of their discomfort may be based on stereotypes about dolls or gender roles or whatever else, it could just as easily be based on some personal experiences you won't know anything about unless you open up a respectful conversation about it. You shouldn't have to abandon your interests to appease your s/o, but it's equally true that you shouldn't expect your partner to sacrifice all their comfort so you can stubbornly cling to something nonessential or maybe even harmful. Respect and compromise are two-way streets.

      The advice about confidence and positive framing is solid, but also just showing that you're willing to communicate and make an effort to understand and respect her feelings will do a lot to make her feel comfortable.
       
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    6. I definitely agree with this. It could be like if she, ahem, went through your internet search history, and found some questionable content in there.

      Another thing that might come up is that some people are straight up afraid of dolls or particularly sensitive to uncanny valley, and that's not something to be taken lightly.
       
    7. Yes! My partner doesn't get my hobby, but is supportive all the same. But doesn't want them kept in the bedroom, because the realistic ones are a touch creepy. That's a reasonable problem & easy to fix; the kind of complaint that should be honoured if possible.
       
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    8. Ok, granted, I am not a man, so I don't necessarily have a right to comment. But as a person who had to introduce this hobby to a romantic interest, and who has had said romantic interest present potentially embarrassing things to me, I really want to say something... I think this is completely backwards:

      If you act as if you couldn't *possibly* conceive of why anyone would find your hobbies strange, I think you risk coming across as odd. Not because you are passionate about dolls, but because you're pretending not to be aware of the potential way it might seem, when you are. In my experience it's much better to be open about your awareness of potential issues ("I know this isn't a traditionally masculine hobby, but isn't that silly?" Or something) than to forge ahead with over-confidence.

      Also, if it's a good romantic fit, the way you present it won't be a make or break thing :)

      (Edited, hit post too soon!)
       
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    9. I agree with a lot of what ASlipinTime said, how you present yourself and your hobby goes a long way to how others will accept it. I was quite lucky in that my girlfriend got into Monster High dolls around the same time I did, so the edge was already taken off the 'boy who collects dolls' thing. However I do bake and sew so I'm not exactly a heteronormative portrait of masculinity either X)
      Prepare for a little confusion, but don't get ready to defend yourself. There's nothing shameful about it. A joke amongst my friends and our expensive hobbies is 'well hey, at least I'm not doing drugs!'
      Inviting her to join in in a small way is one option you could take, as it shows you care about her and her opinions, and bonus! you get to spend more time together. Ask if she wants to come with you to a craft store because you need to get something for your dolls, or get a second opinion on an outfit you found online.
      Communication is so important in relationships, make sure you're both listening to each other :3nodding:
       
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    10. I agree its how you talk about your hobby if your coming across as is something that is a joy and are passionate about it I am sure it will make all the difference not the same as a partner I know but I have found even friend who found my collection a bit weird were drawn into it by the way I was being happy about it.
      My dad at 80 took up doll collecting as my mum had died and he said collecting the same as she did made him feel she wasn't too far away so we both went to doll shows and most of the people were very welcoming to him
      so i'd say just go for it she might love them too. hope it goes well for you let us know
       
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    11. I have a boyfriend, and he was admittedly a little weirded out to begin with. I explained that (for me at least!) that dolls are a creative hobby. I like the painting aspects, the sewing, the general customization, etc. Even though it's a "less masculine" (and we're both pretty masc) sort of hobby he could still relate on that level. Aside from that, it's also an art appreciation sort of thing. Like having a nice sculpture or artwork on the wall, just more interactive.
       
    12. "Interactive artwork", I like that!
       
    13. I'm a man and I don't hide the fact that I play with dolls from anyone. I agree that confidence is a key when you tell your gf. Also don't be shy about it. If she's not creeped out and provided she's willing, include her in your shopping and creating for your doll(s). You may find a new thing to do together and it will make it less of a mystery as to why you enjoy the hobby. If she does have concerns, I reiterate that her concerns are important and you must talk about them. That's all around goo0d relationship advice .
       
    14. I'm a guy, and my primary hobby is stop-motion animation, so I already have a lot of action figures that some people might call dolls. Having a BJD is a lot like having a large action figure. I feel that people just kind of expect me to have things like that. However, I would not shy away from showing off a BJD to my GF or SO. One point I would bring up, however, is that while it's important to be confident in your presentation, I feel it's equally important (in a roundabout way) to emphasize that the doll is not necessarily your ideal of female attractiveness. (It could be similar to showing your GF or SO a bunch of pictures in a magazine or pinup calendar as though that's what you expect from a partner in your life.) Emphasize (in your won unique way) that this is an art form, and its appreciation exists independent of your appreciation for your GF or SO.
       
    15. I've enjoyed reading all the interesting comments here, and since I'm the target demographic the OP was looking for, I figured I'd share the story of how I introduced my girlfriend to the world of BJDs.

      A couple of years ago, I was celebrating my birthday with my friends. My girlfriend (we weren't dating at the time) was there and talking about hobbies with me, so I mentioned dolls. She hadn't heard of them before and thought I meant Barbies, so I showed her some pictures of sculpts I was interested in. The rest of my friends were all ignoring me at this point anyway, so the rest of the celebration turned into us looking at pretty photos online.

      Fast-forward a couple years and I just helped her pick out and order her first BJD after she fell in love with mine. I think the lesson to be learned here is to approach dolls or any potentially unusual hobby the same way you'd approach any other hobby. There's really nothing to be ashamed of :)
       
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    16. I agree, this is important.
       
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    17. girlfriend here as well!, honestly in my opinion i think being up front is he easiest thing when i met my boyfriend the first thing i learned was that he had 18 dolls,at the time i had 0, if this is a hobby you love and enjoy then you should just tell your partner, if they like/love you then their shouldnt be a problem accepting the fact your s/o's has a hobby. nothings makes me happier then seeing my boyfriend dork out over dolls and i think it's a really easy thing to accept if you love someone given that their are much worse hobbies, if theyr weirded out by it at first try and slowly introduce them to all the aspects of the hobby like the face up art, the clothes the photography, it usually helps ease people into realizing it's just a hobby and nothing weird