Is it OK to... ? (Approval or permission-seeking and the community.)

Where do you feel the question itself comes from?* Is it a desire to be accepted by one's peers? To find out what might shock them? Insecurity with one's own wishes or choices and/or a need for reassurance?

I think that maybe this comes from wanting to have a doll that others will 'like' or enjoy as much as it's owner does. I know that I had a number of issues accepting that I was going to be part of this hobby and collect dolls, and what's more, that these dolls were going to look exactly the way I decided that they would look. It's difficult for people to create something (especially in a hobby where things are shared so much the way they are here) and be okay with it looking and being exactly the way it is regardless of what others think or say.

Is there anything like this that you have wondered about personally?

While I know that my doll can look any way I want it to, I did occasionally wonder if I should make them look or be a bit more "fantastic" since I've seen that the more 'creative' the idea behind the doll, the more people ooh and ahh over it. Then I kicked myself for being silly. At the end of the day though, sometimes people can't really feel okay with things being the way they wanted them to be unless other people also agree that their ideas are good ones. I'm still guilty of it no matter how many times I kick myself because I went ahead and made a website about my dolls. There's no reason to do that really- I know what their characters and stories are, but I wanted to share, I wanted other people to care about those little extra things I did with them. So there you have it.

Do you personally go with the "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" theory? If so, are there any exceptions to that? (Beyond the things noted below, or things that are outright illegal.)

I do go with this philosophy. At the end of the day, what can one do besides make oneself happy? If you're going to spend this amount of money and time on other people, then you should just tell up front and save them the hassle of having to respond to your photos. While I would be personally flattered if someone gave me $500 worth of nice doll, I'm not going to do that for anyone else. I want to enjoy my dolls the way I choose, and if people don't care, then that's okay too. I don't always either. I guess the one exception would be then, do what you want- but don't expect to be famous for it. If you are, that's fine- but if you're trying to do something to get attention, then you should probably re-think this hobby.

 

I think that these are awkward conversation starters a lot of the time, and a chance for people to get things off their chest (setting up the question that way does make it easy for someone who also dislikes X to jump on the thread), as well as feeling out the community for what's basically acceptable. I think this kind of permission-seeking might also come from the fact that when you're just getting into the hobby, you're not always convinced deep down inside that it's an okay hobby to have. It's not a mainstream hobby and it can have its stigma from the mainstream perspective. I already had fandoms/hobbies of that level of oddity, was proud of being a geek, and I still felt a bit shy and weird about it at first. It's easy to forget that I did because I don't feel that way now, but I doubt I'm the only new BJD fan who ever felt that way.

 

Where do you feel the question itself comes from?* Is it a desire to be accepted by one's peers? To find out what might shock them? Insecurity with one's own wishes or choices and/or a need for reassurance?

My personal theory has always been that a) The person doesn't have a stellar command of the English language and doesn't realize what their question sounds like; or b) The person is fishing for a certain answer and thus phrases their question in such a way that it would be awkward to answer 'no.' Of course, there are always the genuinely interesting questions which invariably everyone refuses to give an opinion on and just says "Do whatever you want" thus killing any potentially interesting exploration of the topic.

Is there anything like this that you have wondered about personally?

No. I generally don't look to the internet to tell me what's right and wrong. If I was trying to start a debate I would word it more like, "Give your position on XYZ and support it," since otherwise you know what people will answer . . .

Do you personally go with the "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" theory? If so, are there any exceptions to that? (Beyond the things noted below, or things that are outright illegal.)

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's threads that are 3593 pages of "It's your doll, do what you want." What are these threads accomplishing, other than increasing people's post counts? At least if there was a debate it would encourage people to think.

 

I agree with what many have said so far.
I also sometimes feel these sorts of questions are are a way for the person to say "Look what I'm doing/what I'm thinking of doing/at this idea I had." in a more involving way to the community.
Like those ones that are like "Do you have a story about ____?" or "Did this ever happen to you?" when person is wanting to tell something they experienced and throwing in the question in makes it not just about them getting a reaction to their story and turns it into a discussion.

ETA: Because even this thread has one.
What's with the disclaimers at the beginning or end of new threads? I see them so often.
I'm sure if there is a problem or repeat with the topic it will be appropriately taken care of without the disclaimer.
I always kind of saw them as a way of approval seeking for thread starting in a way. It seems unnecessary.

 

I think there are sometimes rather hostile reactions to threads that are seen as repeats, so people are jumpy about starting a new thread lest several members jump down their throat. Of course, sometimes it's blindingly obvious that a person has NOT used the search function, for all their saying so, which makes the disclaimer even more pointless.

My personal peeve with disclaimers is that when you hover over the title of a thread to read the first sentence and see what the thread is about, all you get is the disclaimer. Very irritating.

 

This is pretty much what happened to me. I bought my first doll and was madly in love with it. I was so proud of my first resin doll but as time wore on and I became more knowledgeable about community trends there were times when i thought about selling all my 'unpopular' sculpts and buying one more expensive doll. It got to the point where i was afraid to take my dolls anywhere becuase I was embarrassed about owning cheap dolls. I'm finally coming to realize that most of that fear is unfounded and stems from my zero self esteem.

 

Humans want to belong in groups. Even if you don't belong to one group,
you'll end up in another. (Sub-cultures come to mind)
I guess we're herding animals.
So the need for validation is not all that odd, for if one does something
'out of the ordinary' this person might get shunned by the others and
fall out of the group.

But I think that in this hobby a lot, if not everything, is acceptable.
Personally, I see more 'It's your doll, do with it whatever makes you happy'
than 'That is wrong! You're a bad dollowner!' Or maybe I'm just oblivious.

 

I can understand you wanting different answers for the sake of discussion, yet sometimes that is the most logical answer. Not everything is going to be pages and pages of deep thought (though there are some great threads like that too). Part of the problem is that in the debate forum, many of the questions and topics posed are only marginally debatable. It's not necessarily easy to come up with a really good debate topic about dolls.

Many of the threads here are "Is it ok to...?" threads, and most often it really is ok and comes down to personal preference.

 

Hah! This thread is massively overdue - Cheers Surreality!

I've always thought that the question itself occured in a sort of circular fashion - Somewhere in the mists of time, someone on the forum will have asked "Is it OK to give a doll a Sharpie faceup?" and people will have answered. This thread will have inspired others to post "Is it OK to...?" threads, and other members will have seen these threads and thought it was prudent/expected that they'd ask "Is it OK to...?" before doing anything outliandish/permanent to their dolls - "Is it OK to give a doll a Sharpie faceup? [No]. Well, is it OK to saw off a doll's ears?" Eventually, this seems to have trickled down to asking permission for smaller and smaller and less and less controversial things; "Is it OK to say that my doll's a doctor, when he's not been to university?"

TL;DR: New people make "Is it ok?" threads because they've seen so many of them, and the boundary for what needs an "Is this OK?" and what doesn't need peer approval is slipping lower by attrition.

Personally, I've never thought about making an "Is it OK?", because all of my dolls' characters, outfit choices and modifications are fairly uncontroversial. I'll admit I've weighed in on other people's threads before, but usually to reassure them.

 

I've seen this kind of behavior from people in many different hobbies but never really understood why they did it.
I do understand they want others approval for something, but sometimes it just gets to asking for everyone else's approval for everything.
I see a lot of people asking about what they can or cannot do and will follow what the majority will tell them for subjects that are to everyone's discretion and opinion.
I really do think it's a "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" kind of question.
If the person ask the "Is it ok to..." question as a debate of sorts on why it is ok to do it or not then it should be asked another way or the person should really say it is only to know our opinion and not only what is best for her/him or the community.

 

i will be honest to say that i want attention @___@ however i find that i'm not willing to change the way i roll (so to speak) to get it, more like share more of what i do and hope that other people like it too, so i never ask "is it ok..?"

 

teruchan, thank you for starting this thread!

I don't bother to respond to these threads anymore, because I find the idea of asking, "Is it okay to...?" to be ridiculous within the context of a hobby. In another context, say, one involving ethics, such a question would be reasonable, but to see people asking about the most mundane things in a hobby that is all about customization and self expression is just kind of silly.

 

As to why, it can be an issue of wanting to be accepted but it can also be 'research' as it were. What kind of people are involved with this hobby? Are they mostly older moms with strict morals that they impose on others? Is it full of Otaku? And do I fit in with this crowd? Especially since we can not see each other in person online, it makes more sense to figure out who people are in a more indirect way.

If I could see you all and you could see me, you would be able to make some social assumptions based on how I carried myself, what I wear, and how I talk. Who I am really doesn't come across super clear in an online setting where I'm represented by an avatar and text. And sure maybe you could argue that avatar choice reflects something about me. But that's not always the case. Sometimes I have a male avatar of one of my OCs instead of a self-rep.

As to the attitude, 'do whatever you want', it can seem kind of cold when that's all the question is responded with. To me, it can come off as 'I don't care', which can tell the new member that some people involved with the hobby are indifferent to many things or apathetic. Whereas, "yes people do that with their dolls" or some other way of framing the answer with a sense that: "We are not a judgmental community".

 

Granted, in some cases there might not be a better answer. But after a few people give the "Do whatever you want" answer, why does the thread go on for pages and pages? Why do people feel the need to give the exact same answer as hundreds of posters before them, as if their lack of opinion somehow carried more weight than everyone else's lack of opinion?

 

I don't mind "Is it OK to...?" questions. I think some people just wanna make sure that they're not doing anything to harm the doll (i.e. Sharpie faceups or using acetone). If it doesn't harm the doll, I say they can do whatever they want. They don't need to ask permission from the community to bring the image in their head to life, whatever it may be.

 

It's not a lack of opinion, though. To me, it is very important that people feel that they can do what they want with their dolls whether it's something character/storybased that they're worried about or whether or not they should customize. I'm not talking about questions about what materials are safe to use, but things like should I mod my LE? Is it ok to create a story that has violence in it? etc etc etc. It's a creative hobby, I don't want to see people afraid to give themselves free reign over their creative sides because they mistakenly feel like it might be an issue, or because they asked and someone made a fuss about it (granted, that's all the more reason not to ask IMO -- that's just opening oneself up when otherwise it's doubtful anybody would have said a thing). Think of it as standing up for freedom of expression.

Why do people add to an already loud chorus? Because they want their opinion to be known, or they didn't read through the whole thread and don't realize it's already been said multiple times, or because they want the OP to see that most people really don't have an issue with it. Some threads are really old, and when that happens they inevitably become endless circles of the same things over and over again. It's also not uncommon that you get a few people that's against whatever it is, and they get the whole ball rolling again *shrug* The bottom line is that the OP asked for opinions, and people gave them -- it just happens that there is more agreement than disagreement -- that's the way things are sometimes.

 

As Taco said, "Do whatever you want," is NOT a lack of an opinion. It is very much an opinion, and the fact that this kind of statement may be echoed for pages in an "Is it OK to/Is it wrong to" thread suggests that the person asking the question doesn't understand the BJD community very well.

If that is the case, and because such questions really aren't debate, maybe they should be moved to the sparkly, new Newbie section of the board.