Is it OK to... ? (Approval or permission-seeking and the community.)

This is probably one of the few threads that has consistently brought me new info and new things to consider and respond to!

In relatively "obscure" hobbies, I could see how someone may need to have some of their choices validated. Especially when they're the only person (who they know of) who has any idea about these dolls, and they have no one else to speak to about things within the hobby. I was that way, but I didn't post "Is it OK to..." threads. It's hard sometimes to find answers among real people, which is why DoA is where they turn.

And I think seeking validation never stops. We all need to feel like we're a part of a group. Adults and kids need validation, and it's natural. I can understand both sides, too. If I had gotten into this hobby at my parent's age, for instance, I would worry if people would mistake me for the "creepy doll lady", who always takes her dolls outside the house...

And it's also bad for teens, and people who are at that "impressionable stage". I think kids seeking validation at this age is their natural need to belong to someplace. I'm sure there are a lot of BJD owners who have friends who love them even if their tastes vary. But there are probably a lot of shy, scared people who love this hobby, and are too nervous to do much outside of DoA. Maybe some of these kids are picked on, and often shy away and try to become as invisible as possible so that they don't become the butt of jokes? Maybe when they ask questions that seem meaningless and easily put to rest, they really have no other place to turn?

I've been on DoA on and off since I joined, and only really got into it when I got my doll. I find a big comfort in DoA because people hear speak my language, and understand the ins and outs.

 

Personally, the 'is it ok to.....' and 'do u have the right to.....' questions aggrivate the crap out of me, because they can always be answered the same way. No one in this hobby can tell you what you can or cannot do with any doll. NOT EVEN THE COMPANIES. Once you lay down the money for the doll, it belongs to you. It is your property. If I want to buy a bermann, and then lay it on a free way and watch traffic pulverise it, I can. And there is not a thing anyone can do about it. (Not that I would ever do this). I especially get annoyed by the 'do u have the right to feel.......' questions. No one has any right to tell you how you are allowed to feel ever. I think some forget, these are just dolls. Not living things. Therefore, it would be arrogant of anyone to think that they have the right to tell anyone what they are allowed to do, or not do regarding their dolls. And that's what most of these questions boil down to.

 

Where do I feel the question itself comes from...?, well, a little bit of everything you say, in human nature we seek acceptance, so, any people it's insecure, only God knows how many times I've read "if I go with a cheap doll to a doll-meat will the other members laugh or ignore me..?", this is a BASIC school behavior, if you don't have the latest pencil, or whatever, this hasn't anything to do with dolls but with people, I'm in the group of "it's your doll, be happy and do what makes you happy", but to be honest many times I feel people buy dolls not because they like dolls but to be part of something and have a group that accepts them...so it's a particularly tricky question...

 

I'm certainly amongst the younger members of the hobby, while I'm not technically "new" to dolls I am new to the aspect of them as a hobby. I knew nothing of the hobby when I got into it and a while after and simply enjoyed having them around. Only recently have I started looking into, learning more and getting more interested in investing more money into nice eyes, wigs.. and I can only attach that to the monthly meet up I started going to last autumn. Because the reason I was so hesitant to look at it as more of a hobby instead of just being fortunate enough to indulge in having a few BJDs was definitely the "is it ok to... have them/spend time on them/talk about them/really enjoy them/&& etc.?" question. And most of my friends are in their mid-late 20s so I always feel this pressure to portray/prove that I am mature (more or less) because they do view me less so whether they really mean to or not, but I'm in college and the majority of people I meet and even in my classes swear I'm a freshmen in high school or younger! So it was really hard for me to express or even really feel love for my dolls and embrace it as a hobby because I felt it wasn't really ok by other people's standards and I can't get past looking like a young teen physically so imagine if they knew I love dolls, hence a lot of my family don't even know about it. But I've been able to embrace and indulge in dolls more since I went to meetups because I realized that I wasn't being immature by it, since the people I meet there are mature, interesting, charismatic people. It made me get over the concern that it wasn't "ok" and I don't need specific approval from anyone about something I enjoy. (: I still worry a bit at times that I should be more knowledgable about things compared to highly self-educated BJD enthusiasts, but it just takes experience and time, but I get that perspective point as well.

So for me, the "is it ok" question existed as a result of the personal peer-pressure I created to establish myself as a mature young adult as opposed to merely being perceived as childish. Which wasn't too unrealistic and silly in my mind only because I still deal with people I like or even admire thinking I'm such a kid no matter what I say or do. I think if society tended to just look at someone and enjoy them for what they are and if what they do only brings harmless joy and be a creative outlet, then to try to appreciate it in some way. And not that I saw this point specifically mentioned, I don't think any concerns for acceptance is centered in/from one thing, it all blends together from other life experiences and the sentiments and thoughts that stem from that, (ie- I wanted to seem mature as a young adult overall which stinted my acceptance of liking the dolls) or like someone that never had/has a lot of money and spends it on dolls over something that more fits norms in society (ie- electronics, clothes) that they'd seem financially irresponsible? As it always comes down to, it's about personal feelings toward being accepted in different aspects of life, but that's why I felt (and still kind of feel ^^; ) that way.

Thank you for bringing this up! C: It's really intriguing to explore.

 

some people are just new to the doll hobby, and are scared to do anything wrong, or make thier doll look stupid or inferior to others.
besides, its human nature to need reassurance from others

 

I'm going to throw this out there but perhaps there seems to be some unwritten rules that people think they are reading into? I know when I first entered the hobby it seemed pretty stringent and there were some things that seemed like they were clearly written to me ( Though I wont get into it)

Also besides validation there may be some hidden aspect of elitism that perhaps drives people to ask these questions? I don't think so but you never know who out there might! Also look at all the negative reactions there can be when somebody doesn't remotely agree with another person or Doesn't like their dolls. There is a lot of emotion invested in this hobby so it's no wonder some people walk on eggshells.

I really never wondered much myself, with the exception of the criticism and if there are really unwritten rules in the dollie world. I don't really care what others do with their dolls either, I may not agree with something but that doesn't mean anything really. A person can do whatever they want to their possessions.

 

I think it begs the question of people being new to the hobby and want to know the best way to care for the doll or how cetain things are veiwed in the collecting circle. i know i have asked quest a few qquestions like this to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing or buying the right doll value-wise. these dolls are very expensive and people are uncertain about how to care for them so it is to this end that i and the many others ask questions. After all isn't that what DOA is supposed to be about?

 

That really depends on the type of question -- your examples make total sense. They are not concerned with what you or others do in terms of enjoying your dolls, rather they are the more technical aspects of the hobby. And it is possible to ask questions about the more personal sorts of choices hobbyists make without seeming to ask permission to do X or come off as passing moral judgmental (which can also happen with these sorts of questions).

The issue here usually deals with 'is it okay if I take X type of picture?' 'Or make X type of character for my doll?' etc etc. It has nothing to do with doll care, learning new skills, or educating oneself as a buyer.

 

THIS.

And, likewise, I've caught myself wondering "Is it okay to..." in the beginning. Now I just accept that they're my dolls and I can do what I like with them

To be honest, these topics have actually began to irk me. They're not really... "debate" questions. They're not really "discussion" questions, either.

HOWEVER.

I also think that these people may be wording their questions poorly. I think what SOME of the people MEAN to ask is "What is your view on .... ?" rather than "Is it okay to ... ?"

To get different views is VERY different from asking if it's okay do to something. Getting different views... THAT is a debate/discussion

 

I'm not sure if it's necessarily the act of 'looking for acceptance' that makes us ask these questions, but more to gage an idea of what is considered strange or shocking in this obscure hobby. A lot of us wouldn't really come across a great plethora of BJD-Owners in the real world, and so there isn't a general standard that we are familiar with due to popular culture. Therefore, in this board where we have instant access to other owners, we can generate a basic understanding of what the generalisations and 'taboos' are in this very unique hobby.

On the other hand, it can also be that we oftend intend to upload images of our dolls to this site, and maybe we want to be pre-warned of what things will spark negative reactions in other forum-users, so that we don't post up a fur-clad, cross-dressing, rare, gore-modded doll only to receive outraged responses and offended people.

 

I'm very much a 'to each his own' kind of person, I feel that way about everything, including what owners want to do with their dolls (Within legality, of course) and I feel like people do want acceptance from the community. They want to know that they aren't the ONLY person doing something and they feel probably isolated and lonely. I can understand the position and the feeling, but I don't know that I'd go seeking other's approval, because I just don't roll that way.

 

Mostly the OP tells you why the thread was posted right from the start.
Some topics really made me think. Sometimes the question is just really debatable and makes me think things over in a different light. Well, but mostly it's just a question and people are just answering what they think and don't debate or chat at all. Or there's mostly just one answer to the question and people keep repeating it over and over. So those is-it-ok-to-threads are fun to post in but mostly not fun to read at all.

 

People do typically fall into one of two answer categories: there are those of us that say we can do whatever we want with our own dolls, and there are those that have some ideas of doll 'moral codes' or something.

But mostly I think these questions are asked so people can find like-minded others to discuss their more unusual preferences and styles.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this! I think people people are confusing ethics with self-expression.

 

Where do you feel the question itself comes from?* Is it a desire to be accepted by one's peers? To find out what might shock them? Insecurity with one's own wishes or choices and/or a need for reassurance?

I think it comes from several places. Mostly it's from younger/new members who may feel tentative about things they want to do and are seeking validation. Also it could be people trying to get a discussion started- not seeking validation so much as asking other people's opinions.

Is there anything like this that you have wondered about personally?

No I'm not the kind of person to care very much about what other people think of my creative outlets. If you like them, that's great. If you don't, that's OK too and everybody likes different things. I don't react well to people being rude about my dolls, but then I don't react well to rudeness anywhere. Basically, my rule is- if I want to do it, and I can do it, then I will do it.

Do you personally go with the "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" theory? If so, are there any exceptions to that? (Beyond the things noted below, or things that are outright illegal.)

Yes. I say do whatever the hell you like with your dolls. Just don't expect everyone to like eveything, because they won't. Even if your doll is the cutest most inoffensive thing ever cast in resin, some people still won't like it (me, for one, as I find that kind of thing boring).

 

Where do you feel the question itself comes from? I think its a mix of several different things. A lot of doll owners have gotten the "you're weird/wasting money/creepy/childish/etc" from family and friends not in the hobby, and I think are often looking for a place to fit in and trying to figure out what is or isn't okay, for acceptance. There are also the people that see the "popular" members frequently posting and look to them as a role model. When I first joined the hobby, there were a few people that seemed to be loved by all and had a great collection that I strived to live up to. Other people are just constantly seeking praise or approval or worry too much about what others think. Then there are criticisms....I have been told I've done "bad" things (like allow the dolls in the sun, play with them, chop wigs, bought a "cheap" doll (even though he was exactly what I wanted), etc) and when I was new, it WAS upsetting to hear that my way to enjoy MY doll was 'wrong", but now I just do what I like and don't need validation from anybody else.

Is there anything like this that you have wondered about personally? Not anymore, but I had the typical "is it okay..."questions after the first few criticisms I got. I'm past that now.

Do you personally go with the "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" theory? If so, are there any exceptions to that? I'm not going to tell anybody they are "wrong" for what they choose to do with their doll. if asked for advice, I have no problem saying "this paint is not good, try this" or "a proper sealer is worth the money", etc. There are things other owners do that make me cringe and I'd never do, but they don't control what I do with my dolls and I'm not going to attempt to do the same with them

 

To be true, I'm a little bit tired of these kind of questions, BUT I can see where they come from and why someone would like to ask.

I've been in the hobby since late 2004, I've experimented a lot and I've seen many things others experimented with, so I'm not curious anymore and there are many things I would have wondered when I entered the hobby but wonder no longer. Then there are other things I don't know (not technically speaking; I'm refering to the 'is it ok to customize X, buy Z, do Y' things) but don't 'need' to know. What I feel I WANT, then I don't need to ask: I do it. As simple as that.

Where do you feel the question itself comes from? Is it a desire to be accepted by one's peers? To find out what might shock them? Insecurity with one's own wishes or choices and/or a need for reassurance?
I think it's a mix of wanting to be part of a community, wanting approval and acceptance and needing reassurance when one's iffy on something. One wants to know what others with more experience think of it. Didn't you think when you were a newbie maybe you also had 'is it ok to...' questions just because you wanted to know what advices older hobbyist could give you? What can seem very right and normal for ones can seem shocking and awful to others and some people might need to know.


Is there anything like this that you have wondered about personally?
I think I could have wondered these kind of things in the past, but I don't remember any personally. Now, if I have questions like these I answer them myself: I do whichever seems 'right/wrong' or 'normal/weird' and try it out (unless it's a really radical mod or the like!). That's the only way to know. I don't need approval or someone else's opinions to do what I want to with my dollies.

Do you personally go with the "to each his own, it's your doll, do what you want with it" theory? If so, are there any exceptions to that? (Beyond the things noted below, or things that are outright illegal.)
I think as long as it doesn't hurt (you or anybody else) and as long as it's legal and so on, it's fine. If you want to have a really weird, shocking mod it's fine -just make sure you tell everyone before they see it in case someone might be offended/traumatized.

 

I personally don't think there would be much content within many doll forums (and other forums) if we didn't ask these questions. A lot of people who indulge in this type of hobby will be physically isolated from other doll collectors, and I think it is only natural that we should ask such questions, particularly when we are relatively new to the hobby. As a newbie, I have really enjoyed reading a lot of the 'Is it OK to...' threads as they have really opened my eyes to some of the issues collectors think about.

 

Oh, that was kind of a 'retorical question', you know? XDDD I didn't think someone would answer! XDDD

I understand what you mean, by the way, but for those who start in the hobby at a young age it may not be that simple. Maybe the 'is it alraight to...' questions are made mostly by younger people? I don't know, but I know many young people 'need' approval before trying new things out, specially when they want to show the results to others (and it's what this forum's about, showing results to others, isn't it?) because they don't want people to complain or tell them they did X or Y wrong or they dislike whichever idea they had. And though most people here won't say such things to anyone, there certanly are people out there who would. I think it's better to ask, or that's what these newbies might think.

Again, I'm just imagining. Maybe all I said has nothing to do with these kind of questions UXD