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My money, his money and our money for dolls

Jan 4, 2010

    1. I've been reading some threads where significant others, parents or friends express concern, outrage or even forbid the buying of dolls. When I was growing up my mother had that attitude. No money, gift or item was actually mine as she might take it at anytime for any reason. I find this behavior capricious and abhorrent.

      I wanted to ask others the following:

      How do you feel about the our money, his money, her money issue. as it concerns luxury items such as our precious dorries. You might mention how you deal with it in your household.

      My opinion:

      Regarding the "my money, his money, and our money" issue in households where one person works outside the home while the other, with the dorrie habit, is either a homemaker or unemployed. It seems that the working stiff frequently guilts the homebody into giving up on their hobby by saying they aren't earning the money.

      Who does the house work or the majority of it? What about the cooking? Do you sit on your behind and do nothing all day? If you do housework or care for your children, then you are also "working". Further, housework and cooking are 7 days a week. What I am saying is that you deserve compensation for it.

      In our household we have the three types of money listed above. Our money is for household stuff. The other monies are our own. I don't ask nor do I guilt my husband into not spending his money in ways I won't approve of (he plays cards). He never asks me about where my dolls come from or how much I've spent. As soon as money passes into the category of his or hers, it actually ceases to exist for the other person in our family.

      Really it comes down to respect for the autonomy of the other person. I've known more people that fight about money than almost anything else, and they are always the ones that insist that they have to have joint accounts and merge all the finances and then have a huge fight when they see a big withdrawal that they didn't agree upon before hand.
    2. With my boyfriend, our money boils into two categories: necessaries and luxuries. We each have our own financial obligations, such as school, rent, cell phones, etc. These are divided up evenly and fairly and we pay for them mostly on our own, though covering each other when need be. These bills come before any other monetary needs. Personally, I buy nothing for myself until I am sure I can afford to pay all that month's dues (and if I need to, to cover his as well).

      When it comes to luxuries, though, it's every man for himself. ^^; We both have expensive hobbies, and when we want things, we budget them for ourselves. Just as I would expect him to laugh at me and say no if I asked for some money to get my doll shoes or a nice necklace, I would be annoyed if he asked me to buy him Mass Effect 2 or some Orks for his Warhammer army. Like the OP, once necessities are taken care of, what we do with our money is our own business. This doesn't mean we don't do anything for each other... he tends to want to pay for meals out of house, and I like to bring him back little things he likes/wants/needs.
    3. Being in a marriage or a domestic partnership is a level playground. Or at least it should be. So if there is not equal respect given to each party or if each party is not pulling their own weight in their respective roles--then doll purchases are the least of your problems.

      And on top of that, you have to know your budget. The other party within your household has a right to complain if you are spending money on a doll when household finances are too tight. I have always had a joint account with my husband. What has to happen is that both parties have to communicate about expenditures so that the accounts are balanced well and both parties have to behave maturely about the realities of the budget--whatever it is.

      But if finances are fine and you each are pulling your weight with your respective duties and you each have your play money--then there is no reason to be getting flack for your doll purchases.

      Now, if you are going into debt to get your doll, then there is a problem. Debt of any kind effects the household as a whole. So no doll should be a reason to go into debt, whether by paying bills late or by using a credit line to get them. (Layaways don't count since they don't enact an interest fee and are very similar to simply "saving up" for a doll) If you are buying a doll you can't afford to buy, then your significant other is well within their rights to object.
    4. In our house we both work full time. He cooks, and I do the cleaning. We split the household bills between the two of us and what's left over is fun money for either us to use as a family or for us to get something we may need or want individually.

      The only difference in our house is that I have other types of dolls so I am always selling or trading and therefore the "dolly money" is mine. He has no say in how I spend that. If I sell a doll to fund another doll or doll related purchase I consider that to be a hobby funding itself.

      I use layaways and not credit to purchase my dolls so I am not racking up huge amounts of credit card debt.
    5. I believe that the way money works in a household varies across cultures. I also do believe the the tokens of relationships matters in addition to the household income. For example, I find it reasonable for a mother to forbid a 10 year old into buying a $1,000 dollar doll when she finds her child incapable of keeping things well.

      I also do believe that once a couple is married, it is not about you or about your significant other but about WE. Making healthy decisions together financially is what I believe a good thing.

      I also do not believe that people should be compensated for normal daily life things. A person and his or her family are obligated to help around the household. Helping your child doing his or her homework is something that parents should do, regardless of any reward. I do not believe a household should divide things up in terms of a merit system because it can lead to arguments and it can lead to a competition as to who does more. Who does more? It doesn't matter as long as both can come to good agreement in their job.

      In addition, I do find my spouse accountable for what he is spending on him and expect that he do the same to me. I do not want to marry into a household with debt. As long as he has a balance in hobby, then I am greatly happy for him as he will be happy as for me.
    6. For the most part my hubby and I have 'our' money. We share our checking and savings accounts. Our boys each have 'their' money, which is the savings account we set up for them at their births to make sure that we would have money stashed away for them for school needs (hopefully it will remain un-touched until college time)

      If I do a commission, however, what I earn from it is 'my' money, unless it is NEEDED for something for the household (food, bills) or for our kids (shoes, clothes, diapers). When there is a little excess, the hubby and I split it, keeping in mind any 'my' money that I got that he had no share in to try and keep our separate spending money as even as possible. I spend mine on whatever I want (so long as it's legal *laughs*) and he has the same rights over his. We do things this way because I'm the stay at home mom taking care of house, pets, and our boys. He's the working dad (well...he will be once he can find work again. Drat this bad economy, it has left our area LOW on jobs) who is ALSO a full time student for the next 2-3 years. So all in all...we put the same level into the house, and we give ourselves the same spending money, that is guilt free...or as close to guilt free as any spending is for a parent who loves giving things to their kids.
    7. our household is an odd one, see I live with my partner, my best friend and his partner, and we live as basically one big family. I give an amount of money to my best friend each month, and that covers our expenses, he then buys all the groceries pays the bills etc. Once that is done any money i have left over is mine to use on my partner and myself. My partner also works, he pays our medical insurance and then what is left over pays off his debt to his parents and any extras he wants. i earn the most so i tend to spend the most, on everyone, however the arguements DO happen.

      Just recently my partner sat back and calculated how much I had spent on dolls this year as he sees it (being that my collection has REALLY grown this year). He got PISSED. Not long before that my best friend had had a go at me saying I could have bought a car and why was I wasting my money? The best friend I dealt with simply, I said I spend it how I choose to and pointed out his MANY computers, game systems, big screen tvs...he got the point (there are more computers in this house than people,a nd twice as many game systems) My partner took a bit more effort....

      Firstly I pointed out that he has spent just as much on luxuries, his being alcohol, nite clubs and going to the movies. I save mine and spend it on dolls. I then pointed out htat the vast majority of dolls I had recieved this year I paid for by sewing, the sweat of my brow and pain in my fingers earned extra cash or made up trades and that is how I brought home my dolls. In the end after doing all the maths he was embarassed, he had spent over twice on luxuries and having a good time with his friends what I had on dolls
    8. It was like that for me growing up too: I was given an allowance, but was only allowed to spend it on things my mom picked out. Defeats the purpose if you ask me. My dad also doesn't allow my mom to spend money on herself, because she "isn't earning any." Needless to say they don't get along very well. Lucky for me I'm single and spend my money on whatever I want.
    9. How do you feel about the our money, his money, her money issue. as it concerns luxury items such as our precious dorries. You might mention how you deal with it in your household.

      I asked my husband to give me a separate money instead of giving all of his salary, like 'allowance'. He seems do that too to himself. The rest of the money? We invest it or put into our saving.

      So, with the allowance he gave to me, I appreciate it. I don't work, I saw myself how he works in the most unfavorable place (geographically,people, etc)...He works there because of we need money. So, i know how it feels to be tortured of working in a place we don't favor. I used the money for my living (we recently live in different town. He's in his remoted working site, I'm in other island) as well as my hobbies (sewing, crochet, etc, etc). Aaaand, on his rotation vacation, I don't ask him more for grocerries. I use that allowance still...YET, since i don't like him to smoke, though I don't prohibit him to, I told him, please use your own money for that stuff. That stuff is quite expensive (compared to groceries) and I never agree you smoke. It's also applied to beer. The price is expensive, so, buy it yourself...

      He's very sweet to me and spoil me like his 'little princess' (not queen...haha)...one day, I wanted to borrow some money from my sister for a camera (which I need it to take a better picture of my crafts that I sell). He said, no, I'll buy it. He then purchase it for me. I still want to 'refund' the half from my allowance but he didn't want it. Now, i treat the camera like a crystal, very careful...haha...

      Once, he didn't appreciate me until some events happened, he started to appreciate me, until now. I may purchase my own hobby as long as i'm being responsible.

      I use the money from the allowance for purchasing doll and the stuff. So far, I'm so happy, i never ask him for more money. I'd be feeling guilty if I do...

      I agree with elfkin : we must know our own budget. My allowance is big, yet, the budget for credit card usage, I set it only a little bit less than half of the money. AND, it includes dolls, doll stuff, my groceries, my other hobbies, my other shopping...
      I must say, even volks price is higher than my monthly allowance, even a YID iplehouse, yet it's enough to make a living in my country but if i want to purchase doll which is in USD, it's a very-very expensive stuff...So besides deciding the credit card budget I also decide to only layaway and set up the higher price I want to pay...I'm so glad that I don't want an SD size until now. YID, AE are great but I can still hold myself. I'm glad that from the first time, I love 40's cm size (^.^)...so, it suits the budget accidentally. There are many option within 'afford-range' of mine...

      My husband also has his own hobbies. I don't forbid him so far because it doesn't endanger our lives and finance (^o^)...

      "Really it comes down to respect for the autonomy of the other person. I've known more people that fight about money than almost anything else, and they are always the ones that insist that they have to have joint accounts and merge all the finances and then have a huge fight when they see a big withdrawal that they didn't agree upon before hand."

      Yeah, i agree...sometimes, I also don't see about the dolly hobby itself that matters but money spending that is too much. I guess when a person spend money tooo much in food in restaurant or cafe, it will be the same (i knew some people love to eat outside instead of cooking...i've seen it myself...spending money on 'hang out with friends'...)....Everything that is overboard can endanger the family financial...

      I've also seen my self a family which the working person is the wife...the kids, son in laws, husband, parents, 2 maids are 'hung' on to her...her kid and his husband doesn't work but they 'kept' making children...so, yes, there are 2 grandchildren to be added. The husband doesn't work but like to spend money on expensive stuff and 'brag' it like he's rich...one day, my husband said,"they are lucky that the marriage is a 'catholic'...no divorce...with that position and the woman is still young, she can just leave her husband with someone else..."

      I don't really see it that way...ok, in catholic there's no divorce (i'm catholic myself) but how if one day it explodes like a hell? I mean, people have their limit. I mean, not just because of it's a catholic marriage so the spouse and whole family can take for granted for everything. If the husband appreciates the cath marriage, he should appreciate and be grateful of the hardwork of his wife and the wife still wants to be with him...and thus not living in a 'fake' luxurious anymore and take it for granted. I feel sorry for the woman, though...and she seems powerless...

      @Semirans: I think we have quite similar 'budgeting' his money, my allowance (I don't earn it so, i feel a little bit guilty to say 'my money'...though it's the same...hahahaha...), and our money...

      I wish my craft sell is succeed like those in etsy...I don't want to feel guilty anymore of using the money I don't work for for my hobbies but well, i guess now i must accept the situation...all i can do is appreciating the hardwork behind the money and use the money wisely
    10. Hmm... my husband and I have separate accounts for tax reasons, we don't have a joint account at all but we both spend money on bills, groceries, etc. In the end it's mostly "our" money anyway, even if it is in different accounts, and before I make a large purchase I always talk it over with him. I'd never spend hundreds of dollars on a doll without discussing it with him first, I don't like to keep secrets from him or do things behind his back. We both work, so it is my own income, but we're meant to be partners in life after all, in all matters.

      I think if I didn't earn my own money though, and only had an allowance from his earnings, I'd probably feel a bit more guilty about spending that money because I wouldn't feel like I'd earned it as much. So obviously that would be a different situation. :sweat
    11. My husband & I keep our money separate & have made agreements as to how much each contributes to each bill (usually half for house bills like electricity). Then we each pay our own car & insurance bills & credit card bills (which are all separate credit cards, no joint ones). And each of us contributes something to savings as well.

      This causes less arguments when one wants to buy something. So if I want to buy dolls, then I can do that as long as I cover the bills I need to pay. Same with him. He tends to buy alot of computer stuff, but we never get involved in how much the other is spending.
    12. My husband is the breadwinner, but I take care of the house and kids. As long as the monthly bills are taken care of it's not a problem if I want to buy a few things here and there. I can only afford a full doll around tax season(when the americans get back excess taxes that the government has taken out of their salary all year, IIRC.) My Unoa was my 30th birthday present from my hubby. He was relieved to know that most of the dolls that size that I want are half that or less.
    13. I'm with Inmylove on this one. Marriage/partnership to me does not mean "me and you" but rather, "us, and our". If you cannot talk with your spouse calmly and respectfully and work out a situation where absolute transparency is apparent together [at least in money issues], then there's a deeper problem with the relationship, imho. Disputes over money are popular causes of divorce in great numbers. I am not married, but I would want this respect and transparency from my future husband, should he exist. Large purchases should be discussed thoroughly and then decided upon together. It's always nice to ask before going off and spending a lot of money I think, because you may not be aware if there is something more urgent that you'll need it for.

      The household, I think, should also come first. I certainly do not believe in "compensation" for housework. IMHO, it cannot be "well I did this and this so I deserve this!" or "Well you don't do this or this so you can't do this!". That sort of thinking to me seems sort of ...selfish? Childish.. in the sense of resembling children fighting over chores? Forgive my insensitive wording. I couldn't find a proper way to say it. If two people have married and agreed to spend their lives together [or even if they haven't married!], I think that at such an age, people can learn to share and understand that there are greater priorities at hand than what their personal desires and merits are. If you purchase everything that you wanted without much attention to what you need, the path to debt follows quite quickly. Often there are more things that you need than one could normally afford without thought. Even if this wasn't the case, there are so many options out there like vacations, or special gifts, or saving for that rainy day...that I would be very hesitant to spend a large sum on a his/her hobby alone.

      Loving, which I assume to be integral in such a relationship, does not necessarily entail expensive gifts or allowances or rationing out portions etc...Of course it is fine to be spoiled once in a while ;] but I am a firm believer that those matters should be dealt with together.
    14. I can't speak from being in a relationship as stay at home mother or anything like that, but I can speak from a teenager who is into this hobby's perspective.
      I do go to school, so I can't have a fulltime job. However, I do have a job and I earn my own money with that. I pay my own clothes and phonebills. The only thing my parents still pay for me is food (not including lunch at school) and a place to live in, and school. And of course birthday presents, but that's a whole different story.
      If I want to buy something for myself, they say that it's my money and I can do with it whatever I want, I just need to think about if I really need it, and if I will have money left for other things.

      But my mother for an example, works three days, my stepfather four. She does the whole household almost by herself and she doesn't earn a lot of money. If she would be into this hobby, she would have every right to buy dolls, and my stepdad wouldn't mind as long as the bills can be paid..
      They have one joined bank account which each deposits a part of their salary in (My mother obviously deposits less than my stepdad since he ears at least three times the money she does) and the rest of their money is for their own cellphone bills and luxury items if they can afford it.
    15. I absolutely refuse to use his money for my hobbies or for anything else that is for my personal use. I.E clothes, make-up, shoes. It is our money on our jount account for household bills, shopping and our daughter's novelties and education. I use my money because it is my personal earnning and my personal rewards and treats.
    16. This seems more to do with general lifestyle choices than dolls.
    17. I think Laelen has put this much better than I could. Housework and childcare are necessary parts of living together and parenting together. The reward for cleaning your house and parenting should be a clean house and well-adjusted, happy children not ball-jointed dolls.

      I do believe that the homemaker should have some money to call their own, some freedom to spend that money and they shouldn't feel guilty for spending it, but I don't think that the breadwinner should have to pay the homemaker. A relationship becomes a working relationship when one party pays the other to do things!
    18. My husband and I were both divorced when we met. I had a small child and we already had established careers and income, so we have kept our money entirely separate for the years we have been together. We both contribute to the household expenses, but other than that, we do as we please with our own money. We each buy our own cars, pay our own personal expenses, and spend or save our discretionary cash as we wish. My husband has no interest in dolls and has never asked me how much I spend on them and I don't care how much he spends on whatever he does. It works for us and we never have arguments about money.
    19. Yup thats me too ^^

      My best friends boyfriend however has many an opinion about the dolls. He hates them, and is constantly telling us both what a huge waste of money they are. Sad thing is they don't even live together so it's really none of his business what she does with her money lol.
    20. "our money, his money, my money."

      Works very similar to the way semirans' works!

      I am a stay at home mother, about to get a part time job, but any ways he works full time 7 days a week and brings home big bucks for it (owns a resturant). But all the money is our money initially to pay the JOINT credit card that we use to buy food during the week, to pay the bills, the mortgage, our daughters allowance, and do the shopping for the house.

      Then What is left gets split into three catigories, Phy's Money, John's Money, and then Put away for rainy day. Recently my hubby bought a new tv and a Wii with his money.... granted all of us use them but the fact is I didn't ask or care that he bought it. It is not from the joint account, it is not from the joint credit card. It is his own buy. His money pays his credit card and his account.

      So when a new doll come in he sighs and just leave it be. Awesome imo.