Self Sabotage

For me it is a bit of a combination of two things.

In the part of the community I am in it is very normal to show order overviews and people order A LOT. So lots of "look at what I bought!" in the FB groups I am in. Personally, I don't have any money for new things. I make my own stuff, instead of constantly buying things. And it is starting to get really frustrated by all the order pictures. I wish I could spend money too, but on the other hand I am quite happy to be able to make stuff and I have my rent and bills and stuff to pay. I get dolls through lots of saving or trading.

But yeah. It's kind of keeping me from truly enjoying the hobby. And I guess jealousy plays a huge part in it too. I mean, there are people buying dolls with every release, some even easily spending 2-5k on a prototype doll, and yeah. I wish I had the money. I wish I could splurge on something too some day.

 

I hear ya. I thought depression WAS a prerequisite for this hobby.
All kidding aside, I have been living with depression all my life, even as a child due to being abused as a very young child. Having some kind of hobby is what has kept me sane all these years. But I do have problems justifying this particular hobby because of the money I spend that I don't have, and also the stigma of what people perceive as an adult playing with dolls.
I've been judged by family and friends for this hobby. I try really hard not to let it get me down. I know that this is something important to me, and I have to ignore the haters. No one should judge anyone for what they do to bring themselves happiness.
I get a lot of joy and a feeling of being grounded and comforted when I look at my dolls. Why should I feel guilty or ashamed for that?

As for spending money on this hobby, since my thing is dolls who look like ordinary people, and dress like ordinary people, I don't care about buying really expensive things for them. They dress like me, in tee shirts and jeans. I limit myself to 2 dolls a year. One for my birthday and one as a Christmas gift to myself. Almost always paid for over time with layaway.

 

(off-topic) I think that counts for most of us with depression. I think this hobby attracts so many... (sorry if this sounds really wrong) ... people with mental problems because it is an escape. It lets us create a world basically where we can let our dolls be who we want to be. And playing with / handling dolls creates a safe bubble where we can just take a moment to ourselves.

Re your issues: I personally haven't ever been judged for it, so I cannot relate, but I think your mentality towards the issue is a good one. You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed at all. Everyone has their little guilty pleasures and hobbies and such. I mean... how is collecting a doll any different from collecting I dunno. Poststamps? Or stuffing your house with plants and talk to them in lovey dovey voices while watering them.

 

@Kayren-Twist : I admire you for doing most of the things yourself. I think it's as good a way to enjoy this hobby than to buy everything all the time, and certainly more economical. Besides, there are things you can only learn by doing.

@ParlourGoddess : I often feel that people are unbearably nosy. If it doesn't affect them, they should not judge you for your hobbies. Life is way too short to care about their opinions. I hope that their remarks don't bring you down too much.

For me it's the lack of time. I just failed my exams and will have to re-sit next year. It's not that dramatic: I have finished the original course I was set to do and I can and did get a job with my current level of education (it's basically an exam for an additional paper that is not required for getting a job in my field, but essential for some jobs). I should not complain. There are definitely worst things in the world.

But still, I felt like I have worked so hard the two past years to balance an horrible job, studies and other stuff and sacrificed so much time (time that could have been spent crafting) for a negative result, so I am disappointed in myself and a bit bitter. ^^ I often think about how, if I passed, I would have finished the dress I started sewing 4 months ago! XD

But the bitterness will pass. In the end, I don't have much of a choice than to learn from my mistakes and go forward (I still have two tries). Who knows, perhaps next year, I will have passed and will have the time to craft as much as I want?

When it comes to space, I want a small collection, so I don't have that much problem. I could do with a few moneybags falling from the sky, but don't we all? XD Joking aside, the things I want in this hobby often are not very affordable, but there are also far and between, so I can plan my savings. The things I REALLY want can only be done when I have time to train and make them, which is why I "self-sabotaged" myself by failing my exams.

 

Kayren-twist, I hope that fb community chats about the dolls you love. Because otherwise hanging with folks who only talk about what they've bought sounds like another form of self sabotage. :/

For a few years I caught the acquisition bug & couldn't wait to buy the next "best" doll...and then I floundered through the "what did I do, the dolls are overwhelming me" phase ... Now I'm at a place where I'm happy with the dolls I have, although there's still too many (& sometimes they overwhelm me). Even with the unexpected extra time at home during Covid I couldn't seem to finish as many of the sewing projects for them as I intended & didn't get around to more photo shoots. Sometimes I get in a headspace where "playing" has to be a reward for getting house chores or work done first. But the "wicked step mother in my head" will always think of one more task. So I have to remember to put her aside, pat myself on the back for getting stuff done & get some play time. ;}
Lyaam12, I hope you can stretch your brain with some fun doll stuff while getting ready to proceed with that exam redo. Good luck!!!

The group of friends I discovered bjds with used to have monthly themes where we brainstormed how to interpret the theme in our doll's style. And even though I was busier with work, there was always enough time to come up with something for most challenges. That group has dissipated & my attention to the challenges has faded. It's time for me to figure out another similar way to connect my dolls & I with other folks because it made playing with my dolls steady good fun.

Lately I've been following a doll museum group on fb. It's intent is learning about all sorts of dolls, most not bjds or else they're antique ball jointed dolls. Every so often the theme of the week is something where I can post about one of my bjds, turning it into an educational topic for non bjd doll collectors & that has been a fun way to connect with folks while doing something with my dolls.

 

I empathize with a lot of what has been written here, and I appreciate people sharing since it's a lot of relatable thoughts....

While I do sometimes feel that often-mentioned bit of overwhelm (and subsequently wonder if I should sell a couple), I try to remind myself just how much my collection makes me feel 'cared for' ... it's been the most obvious and satisfying way I've pulled myself into worrying a bit more about what my desires versus what other people want.

Collecting has also helped me to understand the difference between wants and needs; and furthermore have that satisfaction of buying something I truly *want* (dolls) versus trying to convince myself - for example - that clothing I need to replace old items also satisfies the itch of desire, or to spend all my money on maintaining my living space.

So I work very actively to try to not fall back into that mashup of misunderstanding wants versus needs, sometimes it's hard and that's where I'd say I work against a self-sabotaging behavior in particular.


Additionally, I'm just not a very patient person with myself... so when I try to pick up learning a new skill, I end up very frustrated that I'm not *the best* at it immediately. Often times I make a nice thing, considering it's my first try, then I get down on myself that it wasn't better and I act certain I couldn't skill up quickly enough to be validating.

Slowly I'm working to take deep breaths and try things more than once, taking it slow, and accept that learning things takes time.

I don't want to sabotage myself from learning new skills anymore just because I never learned to have the patience (meta-requirement) to get better over time.

 

I spend a lot of time shopping for things I won't actually buy, and it makes me kind of sad. I want to just enjoy what I have, but then I keep thinking 'well it would be better with this thing' or 'this wig would be easier to manage' and etc, etc.

I also compare myself to people who have been in the hobby much longer and are much better photographers, and it starts to feel like I can't justify buying dolls and such for myself because my photos will never look that good. Dumb, because when I see non-professional grade photos I still think the dolls and stuff are just as pretty. I'm much harsher on myself.

And I end up not buying anything and not doing anything with what I own. And then I go shopping for stuff I won't buy, get sad about it, and the cycle continues.

So, I hear you, definitely.

 

Yes, I self sabotage all the time in this hobby. When I first joined, I was able to do whatever I wanted with my dolls, like mods, face ups, sewing, etc, I did it all. Truthfully, I didn’t have many successes and that started my ever growing frustration with my collection and I’ve re done it at least twice. Ten years later, I barely do anything with my dolls, and if I start, I end up talking myself out of finishing. I still like my dolls, I just can’t seem to get them where I want them to be. I also have health issues that make it hard to have enough energy to do big projects, and stress is really something I have to limit. I’m learning to just enjoy my dolls as is.

 

I get buyers regret all the time, which actually prevents me from buying all together. I absolutely love the dolls I have now but I keep looking through different sites “I want them all” and I end up talking myself out of buying any. I mean I’m in a good situation financially which means I can buy a doll if I wanted but I’m so scared of getting one and not liking them. It’s a pretty penny to be spending on a hobby but I know if I do click with the dolls I get they will bring me so much joy. At the moment I have 7 dolls with one on layaway. I love the feeling of getting a new doll but I also keep telling myself that 8 is enough. XD Luckily my husband is super supportive of my hobby and he keeps me from either convincing myself out of a doll I really want or buying too many at once. Sometimes my depression ruins my mood on the hobby. “Dolls are for kids and people think you’re weird/They’re so expensive so don’t touch them or you’ll ruin them” I think everyone goes through this at some point but I don’t have my friend support anymore as I have moved to the UK so I don’t bring up my hobby except for my husband because I don’t want to creep out any potential friends. My dad was pretty vocal that he thought they were a waste of money/creepy when I was living with him and that really got to me in the beginning of the hobby. For the longest time I only have one doll because off that mindset. I’m so thankful that I have my husband now that can enjoy this hobby with him. (Not sure how well this is written out….I just typed out my train of thoughts)

 

For me, I had a period where I set myself up to feel like I had to make everything for my dolls (faceups, wigs, clothes) because I have those skills. But I don’t always have the time or energy after work to throw myself at huge projects, and I really don’t enjoy sewing and wig making the way I do painting faces and nails, so I started focusing on the parts of customizing that I found rewarding and giving myself permission to just… buy clothes when I wanted something for a doll. It’s taken a lot of the pressure off and I enjoy my dolls a lot more. (It also keeps me from wanting as many new dolls because I’m having more fun curating wardrobes for them and I’m still getting goodies in the mail occasionally.)

 

I enjoy my dolls but I don’t photograph them as often as I’d like. In fact, I rarely post anything about them at all. Either I don’t like the pictures I take or weirdly, don’t like the idea of photographing them at all because I know my back will ache for days. But I feel bad for not sharing my dolls with other collectors. It’s like they’re all a secret or something.

 

Ah. I feel the same way!
I want to take more pictures of my dolls, especially if they are sculpts that I don't see a lot on Insta; I feel like I do the artists a disservice to not show them off. But then I judge my own photo quality all the time.

 

I mean, I have all of that, too (major depressive disorder, space problems, money problems to an extent). But to me that is not necessarily self-sabotage but just a different way to enjoy the hobby.

Some people enjoy keeping all their dolls out on shelves. Some people enjoy rotating. Some people enjoy only having a few dolls and putting them on display with a tiny doll room or just on a night stand or something. Some people enjoy crafting instead of buying, some people enjoy buying, etc.

My only self sabotage is limiting my savings by buying dolls.

 

I like that.

 

A few of the books and workbooks for depression and what is now called adverse childhood experiences talk about a thing where children who have been effected by abuse, neglect, poverty, ect. often grow up and reach a stage where they are safer or doing better and suddenly find themselves developing interests in things they would have or did like as a child.

The Psychology term is "re-parenting". It was explained to me as: parts of you had shut down for your safety so you could keep going and now that you are in a better, safe place those things are coming back online. You can now give yourself some things you weren't able to have then and continue that stage of growth. Supposedly it's a pretty common experience for a lot of people who had not-great childhoods.

 

This is very true, I started collecting dolls to replace my childhood dolls and makeup for the ones I didn’t get. I’m in a place financially and have the space now but I have a husband and two spoiled kids so I don’t have much time for myself, let alone my dolls. It takes a lot of time to style and photograph them and I don’t have studio equipment so I’m limited to days with nice weather and unfortunately those are the days I’m busiest. The dolls and my doll room are an escape but I’m almost constantly interrupted unless I stay up late at night.