Bonding and YOU.

well written and well said. it puts things into perspective. diane

 

I don't have a doll of my own, but the bonding thing I get. I have a beat up gray kitty kitty kitten that I got right before my 8th birthday and I love her to pieces and I like having her around. I have a build a bear that I made and I talk with him, cry to him when I need to let things out, and if I feel lonely I like to think he keeps me company. Sure it might sound silly to bond with toys to some, but to an extent I cared enough to buy the toy so that means there's some bond there. Heck I love some of my books to the point where I flip out if it's not in its proper spot. I'll probably bond with the dolls I purchase and do I care what others think? No, I like them, they make me happy and that is the point in purchasing them to me. Sure I won't be able to afford to buy new things for them all the time, or photograph them all the time, but I'd love them in my own way and that's what counts.

 

This was actually really helpful. ^_^ Thanks for pointing it out.

 

I see a lot of inexplicable defensiveness about so many doll topics here!

I have never seen anyone look down on another user because s/he takes too few photos or does not elaborate on so-and-so's angsty backstory. I have, however, seen too many insecure threads asking "am I not bonding properly??" That dead horse has been beaten to pulp by now. I would like this thread to be more visible to those people, instead of purported characterization snobs. (On the other hand, it's very common to see others making fun of owners who treat their dolls as individual characters.)

I personally consider bonding and sentimental value to be closely related. I grow attached to inanimate items given as gifts, anthropomorphic toys, and such. Until I was in college I slept with and toted around a Moomintroll plush my mother made for me. I would not go on trips without it. I really believe I loved that thing almost as much as I love my living pets. Just because it was not a living creature did not hinder that, and I feel the same way about my dolls.

 

This is lovely and so true. I thought I'd just want Dante for well..just looking pretty sitting in my room. But the moment I saw him I bonded in a much different way. I read threads before his arrival of people being unable to bond and selling their dolls - dolls they've been wanting for months and months. And those stories saddened me and I feared that for myself.

I like seeing all the different ways people have bonded with their dolls - especially photos and photostories ^^;

It's an expensive and loving hobbie but you only make it as expensive as you want to make it. People just need to enjoy their dolls more ;D!

 

Just out of curiosity, I wonder if the expense for a somewhat life-like object or "toy" has something to do with the issues surrounding the concept of bonding? (I'm just writing as I'm thinking here) I mean, as we wait for our dolls, it is as if we are preparing for a birth, we collect clothes, wigs, eyes, shoes, and sometimes furniture and other props. After the doll arrives, photos are taken in pride, just like those of a new baby. It is no different really than preparing a nursery, so a certain expectation is fostered, even if it is subconcious. One (usually) bonds with a new infant, we "should" be bonding with our resin babies. Maybe that is where these ideas are stemming from? Just my two cents worth.

I can completely understand this feeling since I am awaiting my first doll, and feeling very impatient. I am also collecting wigs, eyes, fabric to make her clothing, etc... That is how I first came to the realization that I am essentially "nesting."

 

The money creates an awful lot of pressure to justify the expense in terms of really, really "loving" it. Just thinking "It's okay. It looks quite pretty. Yeah, I'm satisfied. Yay?" kind of opens up the question of just why you spent so much money on it in the first place. So I think expecting to bond, and either focussing on love for the toy or feeling guilty about not being quite as rapt and emotionally affected as other owners might, is a natural result of the pressure of money spent.

Except that you're expecting the nursery to be fuilled by a small human being who, right from birth, has his or her own desires, emotions and needs, and which will develop more and more ability to express or act on them, and will grow and develop in his or her unique way. Bonding with a baby is always going to be a fluid and dynamic process, as the human being he or she *indepedently* is emerges and changes.

A resin "baby" is *completely* desireless, willless and characterless - the process isn't one of learning to love a discrete being with its own personality and desires, but of imposing (through faceups, wigs, clothes and customisation) or straightforwardly inventing (through backstories, photosotories and imagination) definition on a thing that is completely passive. It doesn't even want anything from you.

So I think you might have something there in that the expectation of bonding might be created by preparation, but the bonding itself couldn't be more different. A baby is a real person; a doll is a fictional person. Apart from its physical presence, it just exists inside your own head.

I'm wondering if a closer approximation to parenthood is a little child playing family with her dolls. Both are imitations of parenthood with nonresponsive subjects. But even then, kids tend to accept a doll's appearance as fixed - tragic accidents with Barbie and scissors and hair that oddly doesn't grow back excepted - while with resin dolls, perhaps it's more a question of whether you are able to create/impose the imaginary person you had in mind on that particular resin slate.

 

Has anyone had a huge problem buying dolls and bonding to them?

I've had 4 dolls so far and only one has really managed to stay in my heart.

My first doll was actually a gift, while I loved her mold I just didn't do anything with her. She sat in her bag and just sat, sat and sat some more. Then I had a falling out with the person that bought her for me and it almost seemed to ruin the whole experince with the doll for me. So I sold her to someone who seemed truly happy to see her in their home.

Then on another impulse buy I bought another smaller girl. She had this amazing faceup and was a good price with all the extra goodies she came with. The faceup was what got me about her. It was beautiful. I did bond with her better than the first. She sat on my desk. I even did a few photos, etc with her. But the fact that she had a kid delf body kind of got to me. I wanted more mature dolls. Plus I was in dire need of cash for school so I sold her.

Then a couple weeks ago I bought a Baha on total impulse. I knew I wouldn't bond with her for some reason. It was the cuteness that got me. She was adorable, had extra goodies and was a good price. But not even three weeks after I knew I was going to sell her. I knew she wasn't for me. Even though I loved her look.

I did get a Volks MSD Ken during all this and we bonded immediately. I take him with me places. I talk to him. I cuddle him and take timeof my day for him. I finally knew what bonding to a doll meant.

My questions is this.. have any of you played this bonding game? Where you thought the doll was beautiful but just couldn't get a bond going with the doll no matter how much you love the sculpt/mold. I'm feeling majorly guilty about reselling them. Not because I want them back but because I couldn't bond with such a lovely doll. Some people collect dolls but I truly look at these dolls as a little way of self expression. Its not just a doll you buy that has that one look.. like Barbie, etc. You make the doll yours.

So am I the only one thats went thru this so many times? I mean once I could understand but I've done it three times. I feel like a ditz about it sometimes

 

I've been lucky so far and not had issues with bonding. Don't feel bad that it's taken you more time to find one that was right for you. Just use these past experiences to help you figure out what type of dolls you get along with best. Do you like going to meetups? They're a great way to see dolls in person before you buy.

 

I have yet to get to go to a meetup but I plan on going to one in October or November, my husband being in the military makes my schedule crazy . So hopefully I will get to see some more.

 

I've been lucky with bonding, but that sort of thing happens. My sister got a Souldoll Tiffee as her first doll and loved how she looked but never bonded. It took her getting her current doll, an MSD, to realise just how much she wasn't connecting with Alice. Alice or Alwyn, as she's now known as, is now my doll, since I had bonded with her at the beginning even though she wasn't mine. Funny how things work out, eh?

 

I've never been through a bonding problem, because I only shop for True Love... ^^ But that doesn't mean it can't still happen to me, or to ANYone! No matter how much you've researched & prepared & decided, when that doll arrives, & you first lay eyes on him and absorb whatever mojo he's brought with him-- if you don't hit it off, you just don't hit it off. Not even meeting somebody else's doll of the same sculpt can prepare you for that, either.

Of course you can reduce the frequency of bonding problems by making double-sure you want a doll before buying, or examining them in person, or whatever. But nothing is for certain, until the doll arrives. It's just like a blind date: "He seemed perfect on paper, his photo was really hot, and he was a nice guy, but there was just something missing..."


I actually envy you being able to sell things! I can never part with anything. My house is like a Safe House for criminals from all corners of the globe; they know they won't be sold. XD You're also lucky because if you make an "impulse-buy", you don't get brokenhearted when you have to sell it later. Lots of people search through the doll kingdom this way-- by trial-and-error, instead of waiting for True Love. They don't know what they'll bond with until they actually try it. (Sorta the "carpet-bombing" method. ^^) There's no crime in buying and reselling your dolls, either, no matter what people try to tell you. If you can't bond with a doll, set it free.

 

The only doll I've never really bonded with is my Shushu elf Lune. She was a spontaneous purchase that went wrong. I wish I hadn't bought her but for some reason I can't let her go right now. I feel like I owe her another chance before I sell her because I bought her a lot of clothes and shoes and there really isn't anything wrong with her. She has to be one of the best dolls I have ever bought. But still I just don't feel anything for her.....

 

I've been fortunate to have bonded with all my dolls thus far, but I think bonding problems and quick sales are a common issue for many bjd folks. It took me awhile to warm up to my first doll, Maebe. In that case it was finding a different wig and changing the angle of her eyes that really made her "click" with me. My little DollSoom Mint and I were lukewarm for a few weeks too. There were other factors with her as well, but part of it was again, the eyes. I replaced her default eyes with darker ones and suddenly liked her a whole lot more. For me, if I got a doll from someone as a gift and then that relationship went bad, that would probably sour me on the doll. I'd feel the same if I bought a doll from someone on the Marketplace or Ebay, and then had major problems or disagreements about the transaction. I'm just weird that way. Bad feelings get attached to things sometimes and I have trouble getting past that.

 

I haven't had this happen to me but I've seen it happen. My girlfriend ordered her Lahoo around the same time as I ordered my Moon and well...found him a beautiful doll and felt horribly guilty because she didn't feel anything towards him and had no desire to do anything but let him sit. We talked about it and now that she knows better what she wants, we're selling him and she's going to try again. It's weird though and there's a lot of guilt that comes in. I think it will work out though because we have a great new home lined up for him and she has a better handle on what she wants.

 

I love all my babies very much. But I think I bonded with Shiwoo the most. He was definitely my dream doll. I'm so glad I got him.

As for my homemade kids, I really love them, but one just isn't settling right. That's Kyubi. He was an impulse to make right when Baha came out and I knew I could never get one, so I made my own kitty boy.
He's just really little and meh.... I love him but I would love to see someone happier with him.

(If anyone wants to adopt Kyubi, lemme know! We can talk.)

 

My first doll i bought i sold a few months later.. we didnt bond at all, but loved that boys look. Just didnt click.

Now.. ive only had my newest girl for a little over a week and im already selling her x.x even tho she is super cute, and i took her places with me trying to get attached to her, she just doesnt fit.

I hope that once i get my floating head a body, that she'll be the girl for me xD; I should prolly just buy my dream doll and get all this bouncing around over with lol.

Even my Shoe. I love him to death. I think that if i finally got him clothes and met more people in RL at meets and such that hed devolope more of a personality because right now hes just a mess of stuff jumbled all together xD

 

The only time I've had trouble 'bonding' was when my dog died, I didn't want to give affection to any of my dolls, I just couldn't bear to feel anything for anyone. :/

Apart from that bonding was easy I'm totally in love with both of them.

 

I've always had an issue with bonding. After my first doll, who still remains my favourite and the one I would never part with, I was cursed. I've ended up going through 11 dolls (not including the ones that've stayed) to find the 4 that I am happy with.

 

bluejedi81, don't you dare feel guilty for selling dolls you haven't bonded with! You should feel proud that you've got the vision enough to realize when a doll isn't right, and the initiative to go out and keep looking for one that is!

That gut feeling that you knew it "wouldn't be right" is a tough feeling to come to terms with. But it's something that takes practice to recognize and decipher. I'm only recently learning this feeling and realizing that it means the doll isn't right.