How does your family react to the hobby ? - Part 2

Thank you everyone for your words and advice.

So, I should mention that I do have my own job and pay for my own things, including my dolls. However, I do live at home, but in my culture (I will mention that I am Bengali/South Asian) the children live with their parents until they are married, so the parents tend to be very against moving out before then. Despite that, I don’t plan on staying here forever, but I think it’ll be at least a few years before I can actually move out even if it’s against their will, lol.

I know I’m restricted since it’s my mom’s house, and I have to respect what she wants. But I’m not doing anything that’s harming anyone and I take care of expenses for myself and contribute to those in the house as well.

I do try and ignore most of what she says but it seems at times if she deliberately is trying to make me upset. She calls me a bad person for not listening to her and going against her, but I guess part of that comes from the fact that she’s losing the control she had over me when I was younger.

Like @errinreynolds said I do think she still wants the best for me in her own way, but the way she’s going about it and also the way she attacks me is hurtful and I feel unnecessary. I honestly don’t need her and don’t expect her to become fully supportive/approve or anything—I just want her to leave me alone and let me be. But I understand with the circumstances I am in that might be impossible. I just feel very stuck sometimes because I don’t want to sever the relationship I have with her, but I also would like her to understand just a bit where I am coming from. I think I might just have to accept the fact that might not ever happen, though I will try to reason with her and show her more of what this hobby entails like some of you have suggested. The thing is she doesn’t take me seriously though—there’s this mentality that exists in the older generation that because they are older they know more than the younger folk and that you have to listen/obey your elders. It’s a bit exhausting at times and hard to explain, lol.

@ChilmarkGryphon you are right though that I will have to stop seeking approval. I’m really sorry to hear about what you went through as well, because it sounds awful, but I suppose you can’t just get through certain people no matter if they are your family or someone else. I’m going to work on just trying to accept it because I don’t want it to interfere with what I enjoy!

And @Teddy thank you so much for your post, really needed to hear that, and your living room is amazing!

It’s helping me to hear from other people, makes me feel less alone, so thank you all so much

 

Turn it back on her - Reply that SHE'S an bad person for wanting to control an adult and force her narrow-minded opinions on them.

It's prevalent in many (probably most) cultures and utter twaddle in all of them. I'm older and, while I can offer advice based on having more years of experience, I can't tell anybody categorically that my view/way/method is the only one that will work and that they HAVE to accept it.

You're welcome.

And seriously - Put your mother in touch with me next time she wants to tell someone the hobby is a childish waste of time. If she's adult enough to express such nastiness, she should be adult enough to hear other people's opinion of her attitude.

Teddy

 

My family is the same way. I am an African American i grew up in Cali and moved to Missouri when I was 13 in 2011. I've always liked dolls and art my family and friends knew that. However they only accepted my art because it was seen more of a natural hobby. However hitting 20 i got back into dolls and was ridiculed for having them till I used them for art. Have since but even till this day its "your spending to much money and doll" " you have to many dolls". Anyways the point i am trying to make is to ignore her hurtful comments. She may or may not grow to understand you over time but atheist you will be happy and have no regrets. If she gets to upset with you this is what I would say. (Works on my family all the time) I could end being a druggy or a whore if you prefer? or simply find a different place to have your dolls. That is also what I do.

 

I am a mother of 8 children, grandmother of 13 and I strarted this hobby in my early 50's and am almost 60 now. Ball jointed dolls are more art than toys, and there are so many facets to the hobby than just collecting. I am sorry that your mother is being hurtful. I do not believe that any culture embraces being unkind. It sounds like your mother is having issues of her own making. Continue to treat her with respect due a parent, but protect yourself from her disparaging comments by removing yourself from her presence when she lashes out. I live in the USA and all my children lived at home till they were married. I have 2 sons who are 24 and 21 who are still at home. They both have good jobs and lead their own lives and contribute to the household like you. Other than enjoying their company when they are around and helping in the common living spaces, I have little input in their lives and try to give no unsolicited advice. I will pray your situation improves and the relationship with your mom can have at the least mutual respect for one another. Maybe next time she starts complaining you can smile and say " I love you Mom".

 

Parent's aren't due respect if they are nasty and hurtful to their children. Just reproducing doesn't entitle anybody to respect. It needs to be earned.

Good suggestion - she might get a clue if you walk away when you've said it.

Teddy

 

My daughter is very critical of all my hobbies. She however has no control over me. I am turning 71 this fall and she is in her 40s. She follows me on IG but only likes my non doll related posts. I understand that my hobbies are not logical by others' standards but I find it a great relief from adult responsibilities to nurture hobbies. I assume no one will understand and am happy when younger folks find me interesting and fun.

You might keep your dolls in your room and never bring up the topic with mom. That's what I do with my daughter. Every now and then I talk about waiting and shipping problems and she listens without condemnation. I think part of it is fear of me changing. She wants to know me from the past. It seems that my daughter rejects my hobbies the most at the beginning when I am most passionate. She now admits to liking the miniature props and has even bought ones for me in thrift stores when she travels. It always is slow.

 

Fellow child of south asians immigrants here. I totally understand your pain.

While my parents have not attacked my dolls (mainly because they're not here yet, ha ha ha), they have made a lot of very dismissive and hurtful comments on some of my other hobbies (writing, drawing, theater, etc.), even saying at some point that I was depressed because of it (I was not, but as a child of 12 I asked some questions related to death). While I love them, I can't say I was close to them and mainly tried to stay out of the house for most of time.

It seems to me that asian parents often ask absolute obedience and to them it is a given, because it is what was expected of them. It is hard to forge your own path because of that. But you have to, because if not, you won't live. In the end, your parents are like everyone else in this world: you don't need their approval for every little thing.

Actually, I realize I haven't tried to change their way of thinking for a very long time. After a while, each time they start berating me, I was just like "yeah, yeah, I am listening"...and out of the other ear! Basically, I say a few thing to placate them, keep the peace and be on my merry way.

Weirdly, it seem to work: since I act like I don't care and like it's no big deal (because it is not), they eventually stopped saying things about my hobbies to my face (too much of a waste of saliva and breath XD), even if they say to all their friends that I am the most impractical person.

Funnily enough, since I work in a particular field, I can tell my parents ALL the stories about those youths who spend their money on drugs, expensive cars, weapons and worse. Dolls, even very expensive ones, are like fluff in comparison.

And I'll say that my mother has TONS of dresses and shoes that she has never worn. I am not sure that it's better. If yours is the same (or if she smokes, drinks regularly) you can always say "better dolls than this".

 

This might not be something you can solve on your own... I was really worried when you said she doesn’t support *any* of your hobbies. It might be time to look into family counseling or family therapy. As an adult who also is still stuck living at home, boundaries need to be put in place. Your mom still sees you as a child, but you’re not! But if she keeps treating you like one and belittling you at every turn, that could really wreak havoc on your self-esteem and sense of self, if it hasn’t already.

It might also be worth it to put bjd acquisitions on hold... and scrimp and save and move out early. I understand familial and cultural obligations and expectations, but it’s also important that *you* are happy. We don’t know enough of your situation, so it’s hard to tell if this is just an overbearing parent or if it is straight up abuse, but you should really look into professional advice, i.e. therapy or counseling.

I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope your mom can come around to being a decent person towards you, but mostly, I hope you will be okay.

 

I'm so sorry that you are having these troubles. Having others be critical of things that are important to you can really hurt. I've been there too and it took me many years to find peace with my own family about my collecting hobbies.

I have friends and family members that feel the same way about my doll collecting, and they didn't even know how expensive they are... If they had any idea how much money I have spent they would have been WAAAY worse about it. As if what I spend my own money on is any of their business. ugh.

As I have gotten older people started to realize that this is something that is important to me and isn't going away. They can either get over their judgments, keep them to themselves, or I just stopped spending time with them. At some point it just took me being comfortable advocating for myself and being like, "Hey, this is something that means a lot to me and I would appreciate it if you would stop being mean to me about it", for things to get better. That is more challenging to do with family, but the more you are able to surround yourself with others with similar interests and priorities the more validated you will feel.

Honestly, the best thing I have ever done for myself as a doll collector is finding ways to be more involved in the doll collecting community. There are so many cool doll conventions and online groups that totally get it, and many have probably also faced similar criticism and comments from others too. I have a ton of online doll friends from Russia, and Asia because doll collecting is totally cool in their culture, and I hope that over time it will become less critical where I live.

Long story short, you are not alone and I hope that you will be able to find peace with your family.

 

I can definitely understand you on parents berating your hobbies! My mom was always super strict with my hobbies when I was a teen, she didn’t let me spend any of her money, so I became smarter and saved up every cent I got to buy stuff by myself. Which obviously she didn’t approve and berated like childish, stupid, waste of money ecc ecc. It wasn’t really important which hobby I got, they were always stupid for her!
But, I just kinda ignored her berating as much as I could, fought with her when she was being too much, and started to little by little including her to my hobbies. Like, just talking about little things, showing her what I got, if it was creative stuff asking her opinions on it. Little by little, she started to accept them and even became supportive, helping me craft stuff if I needed or buying me materials.
This process took years, it was quite frustrating honestly but it paid off. Now if I get a new hobby she is always cold at the beginning, but then I spend my time involving her and she warms up to it.
Now I am an adult and I make my money, that I can spend how I want and she can’t say anything. If she tries, I just remind her those are MY money that I work to earn, so she stops bothering me too much. I think she is just worried about me squandering my money on “useless” stuff cause that was how she was taught. Like, spending money on what you like is a waste for her! But I tried to help her to change her mind in that too, cause it’s a stupid mentality. We should enjoy our life and money, what do we live for? Just for making money we won’t spend on what we love?
I have a totally different culture that yours, but the part about the “waste of money” if you spend on hobbies is I think a common thing in older generations. It’s not easy to change it, and I don’t know your situation, but you can either try to talk with your parents (mind, it probably will take a long time to change them) or just ignore and run away as fast as possible from home. If you are close to your parents and care, tho, I would try to talk to them! Because that is an issue that will come back for every new hobby you will pick up. They probably don’t wanna accept you are an adult thta can’t be commanded at their will anymore, but they have to get used to it.

Hope my experience can help in some ways! Our situations are probably very different, but at least in one thing is very similar.

 

Introducing BJDS to my mother went like this:

me: so uh yeah that’s it ; ; my mom: how much are they me: what do you want for lunch? my mom: ... me: uhh cheap ones - $200. Normally they are around $350 to 450 though...you’ve spent more on less ; ; it supports other artists tho my mom: oh okay, cool!

A week later:

my mom: that’s exspenive and a waste of money *disappointed voice*

 

Sadly, my husband HAAAATES my hobby. He says he would throw them all away if he could, and he once got mad at me and did... he threw 3,875.00 of dolls in the trash... by the time I noticed the boxes they were in missing, he played dumb. So I thought we were robbed, but what smart robbers, I mused, knowing the dolls were worth more than the electronics and stuff... I was too embarrassed to call the police plus I had a sneaking suspicion he had done it...months later, he admitted it... whenever he gets angry at me, he throws my hobby in my face, saying “why don’t you go play with DOLLS!” In a snearing, condescending tone. Little does he know, if I didn’t have my dolls and faceups and crafting, id have either left him or snapped from stress and done much, much worse. Yes I know, it’s a very healthy relationship!

 

So you sold a bunch of his stuff to get back the money?

Teddy

 

OMG I'm so pissed off only from reading it!! It is so disrepectful I don't even find the words to describe it... I find it cause of divorce, really...

 

no I should've...but I don't do a lot of things I should. I'm a b*tch but I'm also pretty sarcastic and not really...im non confrontational to a fault. I just cried for weeks and weeks, months really.

 

Yes, definitely. It’s hard to get through to my mom with some things, including this, because she’s so set in her ways and her views that she can’t open herself to other possibilities. I love her but...she’s always been that way unfortunately.

I just avoid the topic altogether with her tbh, but the issue is when she brings it up. She starts having a go at me...sometimes I think it’s because she’s upset about something else or she doesn’t have anything else to do. I try to not respond too much but when she says too much it upsets me so I can’t hold myself back, lol, though next time I’ll try and remain more calm myself.

This is so, so true. They think that because they went through that that they can impose the same thing onto their children. I understand that they didn’t have much of a choice, and both my parents have lived a hard life (I’m a child of immigrants as well) but that doesn’t mean they should restrict their children from expressing themselves or from things that make them happy as long as they aren’t hurting anyone.

My mom literally has so many dresses worth hundreds and hundreds of dollars that she has worn only a few times...so, I mean, that can be considered a “waste” of money too lol.

I feel you! Literally only one person in my life knows how expensive my dolls are (best friend) and that’s it, lololol. If I told my parents they might disown me Sometimes I do want to bring up the price though just to make a point, but I don’t cause I know it’s probably not a good idea in my household lol. My sister and brother have some inkling but yeah, they don’t really know the full extent either.

This is devastating and absolutely unacceptable! There’s no excuse for him to do that even if he was angry.

 

Family, and outsiders to the hobby don't in my experience, react well to the hobby and its intricacies.
Like so many other voices, I had the family and others, incidents of negativity, toxic commentary, and attempts of shaming and destruction of my collection.
I do not like to dwell on it, as the knowledge of those you had thought were supposed to care and support you are not, rots one from the inside out.
Money and cost are almost always the most bitter aspects that get used.
Whether its meant as criticism, or jeering to shame.
I have only one friend I've known since childhood that is in the doll hobby seriously.
I'll chalk my lack of online connections to my irl circumstance up until now.
To me, the dolls, are a boon in the madness that is outside of them, whatever that may be.

 

I’m 29 years old and my mother still thinks it’s appropriate to try and control how I spend my money. She is constantly deriding me for “wasting” my money instead of saving it. It was only recently when I opened an eBay shop and showed her my resin and painting skills that she started to come around a little bit but not really. Fortunately the only person who’s option truly matters to me is my fiancé and he is super sweet and encouraging

 

My mum has always loved dolls; she was the one making my Sindy dolls clothes when I was little, and when I got into this hobby the first thing she wanted to do was make clothes for them! She didn't bat an eyelid, just said they were beautiful.
Me and my wife got into BJDs at the same time, so she naturally encourages my hobby, but we have to watch ourselves not to encourage each other too much - there is only so much room and only so much money! It's nice because we are into totally different doll aesthetics, so we have a nice range.

 

Oh gosh, I feel for all of you with such unsupportive and emotionally abusive families/spouses. That is just awful.

I am very fortunate to have a family that is quite supportive of my hobbies. Granted, I'm in my late 20s and financially independent & secure, so my family members aren't concerned about me having money issues with my hobby.

But even before I was financially independent while in college, my mom was the one who bought me my first doll (a KDF) as a gift. She's always been very supportive of creative hobbies, because she's an artist by trade (as am I), so supporting other artists is a no-brainer to her. My mom is like me, and likes collectibles too - she also buys pricy artwork, like pottery, prints, and original artworks. I also remember her buying porcelain dolls off QVC for my sisters and I back in the 90s, so my BJD's aren't weird to her. She thinks they're beautiful.

The one and only time one of my sisters made fun of me for having a "weird creepy doll", my mom got mad and told my sister to never make fun of my hobby. She doesn't tolerate people making fun of others for "weird" hobbies!