How to combine BJD hobby and parental life ?

Hey DOA,


It's been awhile since I've posted but it’s gotten to the point where I need your help.

I no longer have any time for my dolls and its killing me.

My partner, whom I love more than anything, has a little girl from his previous relationship. She's turning 3 in September - where almost past the terrible two's! (Thank god!). We have her from a Thursday to Sunday one week and then a Friday to Sunday the next so she tends to keep us (or me) very busy.

Don’t get me wrong I love her but I struggle sometimes and need to know how those with kids manage to juggle their time. My partner and I are trying for a baby together so I know that to will only make this worse, but there are mums in the hobby which have managed so I can to, I just need to know how you did it!

I work a full time job and it's not uncommon for me to work late, I get groceries once a week, make the lunches, cook dinner & clean up (the majority of the time), I help with the invoices, chop wood and get the fire going (If I beat my partner home) and tidy the house. This is all on weekdays.
After dinner comes a shower and by then (8pm) I’m mentally exhausted…This may not necessarily be late but my energy has been drained and I hate it. I’m in bed by 9:30 most nights as I get up at 6am. I’ll curl up on the couch with my iPad to wind down, but I don’t have the energy to actually do something with my BJD’s… I miss doing things for my dolls.

On the weekends it’s not uncommon for my partner to have one day where he is away hunting, jet boating or on his motocross bike. This means I am looking after his daughter for a full day and having to try get all the laundry done as well as clean the whole house so that I can hopefully have some time free on Sunday. She’s the type of kid that can only sit in front of a TV (not that we like doing this) for ten mins before she gets bored and wants human interaction so she’s a very hand on type of kid.
Sunday comes and when I try to sneak away to my sewing room for an hour or so little foot steps follow. I then get banging on the door if I close my craft room. All she wants to do is join which I love, but expensive dolls and toddlers don’t always mix well.. It’s now at the point where I don’t even try to sneak away because there is no point. I adore my partner and treat his daughter as my own but I am struggling. As selfish as it may sound, I no longer have time or do anything for myself which I know is needed to keep you sane, happy and healthy.

My partner tries his best to help but can also be swamped with work and stress. He owns his own business so I help as much as I can as he is the main breadwinner.

I’ve not been able to do anything with my dolls for about 4 months now. Not being able to do anything to relax and release stress is getting difficult. I have other mum friends but their hobby is their kids. I want to be an amazing step mum and I know as soon as kids are involved they come first, but you need to look after yourself to be able to look after them to right?

To all those mums out there how on earth do you do it?!

 

Mother of 4 here...and I feel you. It's hard. Rewarding, of course, but so damned hard. My two little boys are 5 and 7 now, but have been around my dolls for years, and have learned doll etiquette. That was not always the case though of course. As silly as it seems, the way I was able to get my dolly time I , was to have them join me. Seriously...Photo time? Grab your doll boys, let's take pictures! (Night Lolita for the win!) . They would arrange their dolls, pick outfits, props, pose, and everything, even using my really old point-and-shoot camera. No hands on Mommy's dolls, they're breakable...but whatever cheap clothes and durable props they want. Usually only took a short while to lose interest and wander off to play, but sometimes they even directed some of my shoots too. Same idea with sewing, a new t- shirt for you....now dress up your dolls while I sew this fancy outfit. Cheap watercolor on paper while I carefully faceup at the other end of the table. Obvious lines were drawn about what was just mine and what could be shared, but they could change wigs, pick out eyes, and clothes just like Mommy, and be included. I'm not sure they ever noticed or cared that their plastic girls were really any different than my expensive delicate girls.
Daddy was really good at having special play dates too, as long as I scheduled far enough in advance, for those times when I really just need kid free time. Adulting is so hard, Parenting a million times more so. (And then the little boogers smile and give you a spontaneous hug or something cute and darn it, you remember how much you not just love them but also like them...).

 

While your partner is the main breadwinner, you still do work full-time and do the majority of the household things. Can the household things and childcare be split differently so you can get more time to yourself? Division of household duties may not always work best based on who makes more but on dividing time for things evenly, since you do work full-time. Can your partner not play with his daughter on Sundays for a while so you get some doll or relaxation time? Especially since it seems he often gets a day of de-stressing and recreation on the weekends, you can switch off and have some time for your own hobbies.

(I'm not insulting your partner by the way just sometimes division of certain things in relationships need to be re-assessed to work better especially as things change throughout the years. It seems you get very little time to de-stress and it is a necessity for mental health)

 

How do I balance my life with my kids and my BJDs? Sadly, I don't. I have a 2 year old son and a 3 month old baby girl. My dolls sit untouched, unfinished, for months at a time. It's heartbreaking, but I understand that it will get easier the older my children get. I occasionally get a break when my mother-in-law watches the kids for me. ​

 

Sounds like you need to follow your partner's lead and schedule yourself a day each week for some me time. If he has time to take a day off to play, then so do you. I suggest having a talk with him about this. It may be that you both need to rotate who gets a free day each week or consider hiring a babysitter/nanny to come in for couple hours/half day to entertain the little one and give you some time off.

 

Oh man, I can so emphasize! Both the hubs and I work full time, so understandably our four year old daughter wants us to play with her after work/daycare (I swear she attaches herself to my hip after we get home). We play with her, have dinner, read to her at bedtime...and after that we are done. Or at least I am, my husband always has more energy than I do. I usually start to fall asleep on the couch around 9-9:30.

So doll time rarely happens during the week. It frustrates me some, but my husband and I do our best to give each other time for our hobbies during the weekend. I have so many ideas...so much I want to do I could fill up a full page of paper front and back with my list of things I want to do. I wish I had time to start up a faceup shop, but time does not allow. I do my best to roll with it.

I know the dolls will still be there, but I also know my little girl won't stay little for long so I try to keep that in mind. It can be really difficult to work out time for you, the two of you and the little one. Sorry for my babbling, but you aren't alone in your frustrations! Maybe grandparents can have some time with her? As others have said, work out times where the two of you can each get time for yourself. It will really keep the insanity at bay!

 

This... SO this.

It might be a good idea to gently remind your partner that as much as you like the munchkin, parenting really is a tag-team sport. You *both* need the opportunity for some "Me Time". That's going to be even more true when the second kiddo comes along. That will probably require him to give up some of those days spent out with his buddies, but as my brother always says, that's just part of what comes with having small people call you Dad. XD

 

@Kentarin D'Ley - When you say you’ve tried to close the door to your sewing room and she’ll come knock, you don’t mean that you’re leaving an awake 2 year old unattended walking around the house, right? Someone else is watching her while you sew?

I agree with other users that you deserve your own “me” day the way your partner gives himself, for you to do fun activities you enjoy to reinvigorate yourself. Maybe a half-day every week if a full day isn’t feasible? Like one weekday after work you don’t do chores and just have your own time. Maybe Mondays because it sounds like earlier in the week are the days you don’t have the little girl, and will still feel relatively fresh from jus ending the weekend, not bogged down by work stress yet?

 

Allot of good advice! Thank you all.

I feel a bit of strain has already been lifted after talking about it and reading everyone’s replies.

I’ve done allot of thinking and have a few things I will try. I guess i just need to figure out a system that suits my family so that we can all have our little breaks and release. I'm very determined to get back into the hobby and be a good step mum at the same time

@ker246 - I'd never leave a child unattended (and never will) if i did i don't think i'd be in this predicament where i never get time to myself

 

How do you organize yourself ? Are you forced to leave your BJDs ? If yes or not, something else ?

I have two beautiful babies - a 1 and a half year old and a 6 and a half year old. I try to organize as best as I can, but organization can be hard with the two of them. I also don't have as much time for it with my son - or money right now. Two kids are harder to have an expensive hobby with as compared to one, because my kids and their wants and needs come first. There for I come and go as far as how active in the hobby I am. It's worth it though for my kids.

 

We don’t have any children yet, but my husband and I are trying to have a child. Because of this I feel a bit like I’m in the gray area of this topic. Lol. I’ve never been incredibly “active” in this hobby, unless you count looking at dolls online and occasionally buying one when a special occasion happens in my life as a “reward.” Typically, once I have to doll, I put it in the desired outfit and style it as I want, pose it....and once in a blue moon I’ll change it to a different look/pose.

Because of this, I don’t feel like my hobby life is going to change much after having a child. Babies are expensive, so I don’t see myself getting any new dolls for a while. They’re also curious and tend to put things in their mouths, so I suspect my dolls are going to experience a new remodel when I babyproof the place. Maybe a fancy glass cabinet. I freely admit that I absolutely love rearranging things, and am probably going to spend HOURS getting them all setup just so. ❤️

 

I do not have children yet but imagine that I would probably semi-drop the hobby for the first little bit. I would just incorporate them into the hobby as well and start teaching them young how to properly “play” with and take care of the dolls since they are definitely more expensive than most other dolls.

 

I'm a mom of a 6 yo daughter. I got into BJD after I had my daughter. And to tell you the truth, if I had gotten into BJD first, I don't think I'd want any children lol...Well, don't get me wrong and as you said, it's not easy being a parent.

When I look back, I sometimes think I got into BJD also because I wanted an outlet to escape from boring everyday mommy life and reality. Soon my dolls become my comfort zone. I think there were also times when my daughter felt I love my dolls more than her. There were also times when she bullied my dolls when I wasn't around. I found my dolls heads was turned backwards, their hands and feet were also turned backwards lol

But when we go shopping, she would go into random shop and if she found something small, she would go "mom, look! this is the perfect size for your doll!"

Now she knows I love my dolls and they are important to me, just as how much she loves her own collections of LOL dolls and recognizes that it's called a hobby. =)

 

I got into the hobby after I had my children. I think having some time to yourself is very important and for me hobbies have always helped me to retain my identity beyond just being 'Mum'. My experience has been interesting though in that I had twins which meant I had no spare time when they were tiddly but they had to learn to share because there was only one of me so as they've grown I probably had more time to myself because they were definitely less demanding than my youngest. The kids all love the dolls and my daughter and youngest in particular love to pose them, my daughter wants to save for her own and my youngest wants to use them for his burgeoning interest in photography. They even helped me pick one of my dolls, we all discussed the character and which sculpt fit him best.

 

I don't have children (and I don't plan on having any), but if I did, I'd imagine, it'd be stressful. I would take a break from all my hobbies and focus on caring for the child. I did meet another owner at a convention that did have a child. She told me that she had to take a break from bjds and buying bjds in general because all her time was devoted to her child (who was very cute).