My money, his money and our money for dolls

Money is one of the top three reasons people divorce. The breadwinner shouldn't be responsible or obligated to fund such an expensive hobby, especially if their partner has zero income.

 

A couple of things:

1. You'd be surprised. I haven't been married very long, and I've had a few dating people come up to me and say "Bob and I are thinking about getting married. What did you guys talk about before getting married?"
2. IMHO it's only something you can truly understand about your partner after you've lived with them for awhile. You can constantly hang out with him/her, but it's not the same as running a home together.

On a similar note, while I think any expensive hobby should be talked about before marriage, it's even more true for dolls. Not only are they pricey, but most people see them as strange and/or a waste of money. Your fiance might only know "you collect these weird dolls". He/She doesn't know how expensive they are, where they come from, all the other stuff you can get for them, etc. I don't give my husband all the nitty details because he'd probably fall asleep. But I keep him up to date about any major dolly purchases.

 

My husband did a 180 once we were married. Suddenly I was no longer his girlfriend so he didn't HAVE to take responsibility for the house because he had a wife now and everything was he JOB. Yeah, he learned damn fast that wasn't right.

Added to the fact that he has the financial common sense of a dead fish, something I didn't realize until after we were married and no longer "sharing" a place, I keep my money mine to ensure that I can support myself and our child when he's being a 41 yr old teenager and having a fit because his paycheck had to pay for something OTHER than his toys.

I love the man but good Lord somedays I loathe living with him.

 

We do our money, straight down the line. I don't know if it's different because we're lesbian, so gender equality never had to be negotiated in our relationship, but neither us would play "but this money is mine!" games with each other, ever. Everything goes into a joint account.

At the moment I'm the wage earner while she studies and does some part time work, but when we were first together the terms of my visa didn't allow me to work and I was completely dependent on her placement income. As an engineer, she'll likely earn more than a librarian like me when she graduates, particularly if I get pregnant and have to spend serious time off work, or if I can't get another job when my contract runs out (the job market for academic librarians is horrendous ATM). None of this matters. We pay household bills, we save, and if we have available money, we decide together on where it goes, and we support each other's hobbies. We're both adult enough to decide when we can afford doll stuff/electronic gadgets/eating out/whatever without having to make rules. Dolls really aren't her thing, but she appreciates that they are mine. And we've never, ever argued about money, no matter who was currently paying the rent. In the end, we both want each other to have nice things... when we can afford them. And yes, we trust each other to be responsible and considerate - that was part of forming our marriage in the first place.

I would never have or want a separate account or "my" money for dolls or anything else. Life is complex - incomes go up and down, as do expenditures. But the one thing that will never change is that our lives are no longer separate, but joined-together.

 

First there is Mom and Dad's money. Mom and Dad have a joint account. (Though for some reason they pointlessly bring up who owes the other what... And then it's like Dad makes a withdrawal, gives it to Mom for what he "owes" her, aaaand Mom deposits it. Pointless "owing", why yes.)

Their money does not go towards my dolls. They will buy me text books and other things. Those are "mine." They never try to reclaim them or do their money excuse. Though, when I'm home, I'm fully expected to help out. Or, if they give me money if I'm practically broke, then I'm expected to do enough housework and errands to earn it.

Then there is the money I earn. This is all and entirely mine. Anything I buy with it is mine. BUT, before spending for me is taken out of my money, part of it is expected to go towards my tuition and textbooks. Mom gives me a set amount, I save that much and pay it, and the rest is mine for whatever (such as dolls).


I felt *horribly* guilty for a while with this system. Mainly concerning a $700 Unoa bought over the summer and $500 VOLKS Yui for my sister (she did contribute to that one and work on paying me back for part of it, about $200 was considered a gift to her from me and not paid back.) I did save up the money for tuition ($750 dollars, originally $1000 but Mom lowered it) and had money for books, but during the semester I ran out. I felt so guilty for spending then because I had to ask her for money and yet had spent so much on dolls. But, I mean, I did work when I visited home to earn some of the money she gave me. (other times I'd randomly get a phone call saying "Hey, gave you money just in case you decide you want pizza sometime or something." THAT money is mine and I don't need to pay back ^____^ )

 

I currently live with my SO, and we really work things more like roommates. It's simpler that way, and what we're used to. She covers her half of everything and I cover my half, and the money left over goes to whatever we want. I do cover her sometimes as I make a higher income, but normally we even it up when possible. Luckily we're both into the doll hobby, so we even help eachother out in that sometimes. But just because I helped her a little this time or that to get one of her dolls doesn't mean I partly own them or anything. I consider it more a gift.

So yeah, pretty much we don't do the 'our money' thing. I'm too much of a control freak to deal with having my money outside my control, so this works for us.

 

My situation is a little different as both hubby and I are permanently disabled and are on a fixed income. We do, however, manage to set some aside every month for each of us to be able to spend how we want. We also sell items we've made or resell items for spending money.

I think the important thing for anyone to remember is that an item's worth is measured by the person who wants it. Hubby spends his money on DVDs and computer games, which do not interest me. Nor do my dolls interest him. So the fact that I spend $500 on a doll seems insane to him, not that he tells me not to, he just doesn't get it. Then again, I don't understand spending $50 on a computer game.

 

This has been interesting to read every ones different view points.

My husband and I have a bit of a different situation. I was a self employed artist and he has always been a full time mechanic. My income was not always steady and any money I made I was allowed to spend on more art supplies or things I wanted. Years ago I was diagnosed with an illness that is incurable. Last year I sort of retired, because my health was really bad so we were living on only his income. Anything fun or doll stuff I had to get from him. We also have two little girls we also must provide for.

So my sweetheart makes all the money and provides for all his girls. But he always says he doesn't mind at all and likes to make me happy. I feel guilty that I'm not contributing any money, so I try to do nice things for him and be helpful around our house and with our kids.

So technically I don't have any money of my own. But my husband always says that any money he makes is our money and we share a joint account. When I want to buy a doll or doll stuff I ask him if it's okay and then I save up extra money we have till I can afford the doll I want. I'm very lucky that though he's not a doll person he thinks they are nice and likes that they make me happy. He likes remote control cars, so I never complain when he wants to buy cars or parts for his cars.

I do think I'm incredibly spoiled. My husband treats me incredibly well and puts my needs above his own. I'd love to be well enough for me to work full time some day and let him stay home and play with his remote control cars all day. haha

 

My hubby and I have been married 19 years. For many years we were pretty poor and fought over money. We would both spend the last $10 from our joint checking account, get home to find the other spent it already. : (

It took a few years of this to figure out that we needed one joint account and two seperate accounts. Even during a few years that I didn't work (small children), bills were paid from joint account and then each of us got an EQUAL allowance deposited into our own account to spend on whatever we wanted. And at that point, it didn't matter what he spent his money on or I spent my money on.

I am back working full time and he is about to retire after 20 years in military. Eventually he will find another career as well, he is only 42. But in the meantime we will do it the same way. -Maybe our allowances will be a little smaller for a bit.

My hubby doesn't know how much the doll's cost and it doesn't matter to him, I have my mad money to spend. He has his to spend on miniature football helmets (yes....as much as I want to roll my eyes I don't)
Amy in AK

 

Can't work full time anymore so CPA set up a separate business account for me. I am an interior designer so $ from consults goes into the account along with everything I can clear making doll clothing. Makes me budget tightly and sew more when I want a new doll. Also makes me sell any dead dolly weight..... Dolls are a legitimate expense but takes a lot of $50 outfits to buy an SD..... DH doesn't care how I spend it as long as I support my hobby. Making it a business means that I can deduct a % of our home expenses also in case I ever show a profit...

 

I'm single, live on my own and plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future so it is very much a case of my money and nobody elses, and if my parents or friends tried to tell me what to do with it I'd propably laugh my self silly. Which is why none of them even try

But obviously if you're in a relationship it's a very diffrent kettle of resin (oh look I made a joke, yeah I know not a good one, it's still a joke though) so I guess it would all depend on the circumstances really.

Yeah kind of a cop out answer I know.

 

This is an interesting question - and it's been fascinating to see the responses. I think I'm pretty lucky in that Myself and my hubby both work. We have a joint account that my wages and his get paid into - and the bills come out of. But we also have separate savings accounts which we move a set amount of money into every month. I spend my money on what I want - no questions asked... and if there's something I really, really can't live without... I can use the JO money for that so yeah... v.lucky!

 

I was going to bring up the disability point but Ravyn beat me to it. Its very hard to live knowing you cannot realistically earn a good living, will never be financially 'equal' to your partner, and to know that that partner believes in equal contribution. I believe my spouse is a little resentful for having been 'saddled' with me before I was diagnosed. She never believed that anyone should support anyone else, because her parents are the classical type and its very dysfunctional. But she is maturing and accepting that life isn't always exactly the way you want it to be.

But we love eachother ridiculously and desperately, so there's no retarded breakup over money in the forseeable future. Money is, to me, the absolute lamest reason to ever leave the person you purport to be in love with. If you would leave someone over money, you don't love them enough. So go find someone you love enough. (But then I think like a fairytale prince, and truly believe true love is the greatest of all things and shouldn't be dissmised over anything, let alone something as trivial as income.)

IMHO, the person who CAN earn, who WANTS to earn, and who has AGREED to be with someone who isnt earning much, should perhaps be less anal retentive about where their cheque goes and who owns what money. It was all a choice you made. Be flexible. Adapt to the circumstances. That's what humans do.

I firmly believe in 'We'. I also don't believe in extravagant living. Do what matters to you, but don't be needlessly ostentatious or competitive. If I could work (and believe me, I have wished for the ability and tried so hard to prove the docs wrong), I wouldn't give two hoots who used 'my' hard earned money. All my money would be put into our MUTUAL comfort and happiness. If that means my partner wants to buy a 400$ bottle of Dom Perignon to celebrate her promotion, go for it. As long as my partner isn't stopping me from buying a 400$ doll once or twice a year. But as it is, I will strive to be as equal as I CAN be, and contribute to 'us' what little I am able to earn. I will also provide support, comfort, help, and protection in every other way but cash. Don't pay me for cleaning the house and raising the kids. I don't want a salary. I want acceptance. Share your happiness with me like people in love are supposed to do. *shrug*

 

We treat all of our money as ours, no matter who earned it. We rarely buy expensive things out-right, but make sure that we're both fair to each other. This may be due to our closely defined definition of who we are as a couple, but it's also because my husband and I have a growing interest in each others hobbies. Both of us understand the issues of collectibles, second-hand market prices, and trying to perfect our collections.

It also helps that we don't put the importance of value on the monetary but on the personal. Of course, everything comes second to our necessities. From there we've prioritized our luxuries on an even scale, with our most favoured hobbies coming in first.

 

I wouldn't have any problems with that. Fun money is fun money. Actually, personally I would feel better about somebody saving and buying something permanent.

And I don't think anybody's meaning to harp on people who can't work. If you can't work but want to (and do) help however you can, that's one thing. My husband's unemployed right now. To help compensate for the lack of income he does all the household chores and errands. It still helps me out because it gives us more time to spend together when I'm not working. Right now he's actually helping me put together a BJD based on his character. So if he wants $20 for some eyes or a wig that's fine with me.

 

I'm still much on the money strings from my parents. Sending out as many resumes as I can, having just graduated, but still on their strings. The amount needed to live is so high right now, and yet I've yet to get a positive response (even to the part time applications done while in school) in years.
I have my two dolls, there probably won't be more for a year or more, depending on when I can get hired. So, I have my two, which were bad enough howling from my parents when I bought them (though, it was on my money, that I had earned from jobs previously and put into savings to build interest), but they ignore them now, and I'm just going to keep battling for a job. My parents like to see my money as theirs, which is making it difficult when I do have money somewhere to break away from them and get on my own feet. Hence I have a savings account they can't see.

On the subject of my boyfriend, he has an income, he has a graduate assistanceship paying for his PhD studies, he has student loans, but he ain't got much otherwise. He's staying at his grandparents to cut costs (as I'm likely to move into the "in law suite" at my rents place when my lease is up here). We agree that if we were to join forces, there would be a major joint account for all expenses and primarily things for both of us, and smaller accounts for my dolls, cat food, and equipment, and for his guitars, gun stuff, and computer pieces.

 

In my household, I'm actually the one making more money at the moment... but we both work full-time. So we have a joint account that we use for all our necessities (food, house payment, etc) and savings. We each contribute the majority of our paychecks to the joint account.

But we each also have a separate account that's our individual account, to use for whatever we wish... and a small portion of each paycheck I receive gets deposited into "my money". (And a small portion from his check goes into "his money"). From there, I actually have two separate accounts... one is for my bills like paying credit cards, and any extra goes into the "spending money" account, which I use on doll stuff and other luxuries.

Keeping three separate accounts (his, mine, and "ours") helps keep all the money discussions nice and civil. The necessities are all taken care of from the "ours" account... and neither of us is looking over the others' shoulder when it comes to hobby spending. We don't need to have a discussion when I want to buy a new doll, or when he wants to get new video games.

Though things are made simpler in our case, as we don't have children so no one is taking over childcare duties. As for housework, it's mostly split in a way we both find workable. I do the cooking, so he does the dishes... He vaccuums and dusts, but I clean the bathroom. Whoever notices the trash is full ends up taking it out. When we moved in together, we just kind of "claimed" chores until it became routine about who does what.

 

With my BF, this was a pretty bad argument at first. When I first mentioned I had bought a $500 doll, he flipped. He did latter apologize and admit he was being irrational. He has no right over my money as long as I can pay my bills first. But had he not come around, I would have easily walked away from the relationship - Love me as I am, don't try and change me.

If I was married I would not want to be paid for chores, doing housework comes with owning/renting an house/apartment. But when your still being supported by your parents, that may be your only source of income. Before I was sixteen (under that you cant have a legal job in MO) doing chores was my only job, my allowance my salary. Once I had a job I still did chores around the house, but I no longer got an allowance, my parents would give me money if I still needed it though.

I think because every couple is different, not the same system will work for everyone. I personally would leave someone if they offered me an "allowance" but I have a friend with such a bad shopping addiction she loves the allowance idea so she can't spend too much - but then she isn't getting paid for chores just getting her own money back in small doses.