My money, his money and our money for dolls

. Well the person I'm in relationship with, is the one charged with all management of our art group so his opinion is "If you don't have enough money then I have to try sell more art of yours". I certainly keep self into reasonable limits because that's how much my income is, the same is with everyone I share this collection with.
. My collection is a collection shared by our art group & stays in atellier and gets paid by groups' money so we vote for every purchase & decide alltogether anyway (my man too) & we are all grown ups in the group & hard working people. As far as I know none of us has left ever necessities unpaid for dolls & none had ever a problem with his/her relationship with things of this nature. In fact it seems they enjoy the collection even more than us. My man is certainly encourage me (& all of the group) to get and complete the collection in mind, he things those poseable statue-style & quality dolls as a worthy expense, and it is most valuable that we also all agree here into how we like them to look as we all want ancient statues style & epic or epic fantasy style for those so it is easy to have a decor in atellier that pleases everyone in group & a collection truly shared and keeps the interest of all of us in group. I couldn't get all those dolls by myself but shared in a group we can all have more. As about my parents, I have no parents alive.
. The thing he might not liked is if we treated those expensive dolls like ordinary toys and treat those in a way they might get dirty, broke or get disvalued. But this is something I totaly agree with him & thankfully everyone in the group would shudder into the idea of those so expensive items get dirty or broke/damaged & as a result disvalued.We keep them in atellier and the dolls never touch the outside or floor & the important is that we all agree in that by heart (important because we have no arguments).
. I don't think all this could change much when kids come (or marriage) because we share the same interests & also have the same cold blooded & logical view into our economics, necessities are first and there is communication/plan for the rest. We are certainly not rich at all and have same philosophy/ideology/interests and I believe this helps us even more to communicate better about such things as every objection is not coming from a different view but just lack of money, if we can get something it's yes (in everything necessity or hobby/interest) if we can't it's no... We have wonderful communication & shared/same interests & same taste/style in almost everything (art, music, books , those statue-style resin dolls and such things) so it works perfectly fine.

 

I know that when I was married, my hubby and I had always made sure to pay our bills first, since that was the most important issue to take care of, and that also included investing any, as well.

Then, at that point, if anything was left over, we would either save for a trip, since both of us loved to travel, of we could use it on something big for the both of us, or if I felt I wanted something just for myself or he did, then it was never a problem.

I think that is how it should be, as long as it is fair for both person, since you should have that partnership with your significant other, no matter if you both work or not.

Now that I am alone, the money is certainly less than what I had before, but I go with the same strategy now, such as: if after paying all of the things that I am obliged to take care of are paid for, then I will spend the rest of the money, in the way that I see fit.

If that extra money is for a doll that I wish to purchase, neither my ex-husband, back then, nor me, alone now, care as long as my purchasing a doll does not put me in the "poor-house" so to speak. (o';'o)

This is a wonderful question, and it has certainly been interesting reading all of the different opinions from the DOA members, so I thank you for asking this in the beginning.

 

Hehe, you have a point, but I make sure that I'm 110% honest with my fiancee in everything that I am interested in! He's actually sat with me on the computer and browsed many BJD websites...he knows exactly how expensive this hobby is, and he thinks they are as cool as I think they are! Sometimes we'll be out shopping, and he'll point something out that would be perfect for our future BJDs like a small piece of furniture or something, and totally surprises me on how thoughtful he is! I have also expressed wanting to pursue BJD clothes sewing, and he's even gone out of his way and surprised me with sewing lessons to get me started!

Reading all of these replies has been kind of saddening. I know that the majority of relationships takes TONS of work, but I also believe in the kind of relationship that goes so smoothly and both partners are so in sync with each other that there is next to no disagreement on any aspect in their relationship or building their life together..I know this because I am in one!

In the 2 years I have been with my fiancee, we've only fought about 3 times, and they were over silly trivial things like him accidentally breaking my computer. Some people are just lucky enough to find someone who is pretty much EXACTLY like them in every way...we both love computers, video games, science fiction, gardening, drawing, fantasy novels, and a myriad of other things...unless he's hiding some super secret like he's from Mars and he drinks human blood, I know everything about him, and he knows everything about me!

 

Hear hear, Katrid! I found this thread rather sad as well. My boyfriend of 3 years (and someday husband) doesn't share my love of dolls, but he's 100% supportive of whatever makes me happy and he's gotten or made me doll stuff because he knew how much I would love it. I would never want to be with someone who found any of my hobbies "weird" or with whom I couldn't be completely honest. We don't really share hobbies but he's made an effort to teach me about the things he loves and he is always happy to learn about my interests. We are best friends and trust each other completely, so allowances and fights over money and sneaky buying are not things I see in our future.

 

I'm only a teenager so I don't have any experience with marriage but I have had an allowance since I was five. It's always been mine to spend and I'm shocked that some parents control how their kids spend their money, isn't learning how to handle money the point of an allowance? Once my parents give me money they don't have any say over it anymore, although they don't always approve. Also anything I buy with my money, like my $384 class ring, is MINE, they barely even touch it.

 

Not always true in every situation. Hypothetically lets say a parent gives a child money for the sole reason of buying a doll. However, if that child ends up buying illicit drugs instead, then the parents are responsible (morally) for his or her actions. You would also be shocked to fine how lax some parents are with giving away money to their children. There's two sides to every story.

Then there is also this philosophical debate about whether one's money is truly his or her's. Many questions and answers arise from it. Too much to list.

 

Personally, as soon as two people are living together or sharing a significant amount of their expenses, there ceases to be "my" or "his" money. Yes, we both have distinct hobbies to spend money on, but keeping money (past rent, utilities, and groceries) totally separate and not talking about it isn't respecting autonomy, it's being an irresponsible couple, because, should an emergency come up, you each should know how much money the other has and what they spend it on. In addition to that, in relationships, but especially marriage, it's supposed to be about sharing your lives. Trust and respect, mutuality and communication--for me this includes talking about money and agreeing on how it is spent. Agreeing that, alright, I'll get this BJD, and then we can start saving for the RC plane you want, or those designer clothes, or whatever. We both have expensive hobbies, and it's probably going to be quite a while until either of us are making any good money. With the amount of money left over after utilities, after being split in half, it would take a long time for either of us to get anything, but by pooling it together, we can, collectively, get things more often. The money may not be totally equal, but we feel that it is mutual, and that each is getting what they want. Between me and my fiance, there is very little "mine" or his", though we know who pretty much anything would go to in the event of a breakup. Everything, though one of us may have technically payed for it, is ours. Right now, we don't have enough money left at the end of the month for anything other than rent, utilities, food, laundry etc--maybe I'd see it differently if we have more, but we've set the precedent of communication and mutuality so far, so I don't think it will change.

Also, in the situation where one partner is making significantly more money than they other, is it fair that that partner get more "their money"? What about when one partner doesn't have a job? Again, it's about mutuality and sharing, not "mine" and "yours".

 

It took a LONG time (and I mean literally years) before my husband realised that me staying at home with the kids (I got married at 18...fyi..I'm not THAT old haha) wasn't a piece of cake. It took him losing his job and having to stay home day in and day out due to a chronic illness to come around to the fact that I work my butt off every single day and I could be doing the most mundane things. He would guilt me ALL the time whenever I wanted to buy something!! Then I was the one working (and making better money than him *g*) and he realised how hard it is and how demoralising it is for a person to feel like they need to ask for an allowance like a child, of their partner. We keep seperate accounts, but both contribute to the household expenses and bills etc. If either of us wants to spend, we double check that we don't need the money for something important, and then go for it.

 

I live in a common-law marriage of sort (the closest applicable american term). When I and my SO moved in together we set up a budget, looking at what income we had what our costs would be (food, phone, rent, insurance, etc) and how much we felt it was appropriate to save each month. We also decided on a set allowance. I can spend my allowance however I wish and he can spend his allowance on whatever he wishes. If there's money left at the end of the month it just gets saved.

 

My husband and I pool our collective incomes and then divide it. We shell out what is needed for rent, bills, food, savings etc. and then we each get an equal split of whatever is left. What we do with our share of the leftover 'spending/fun' money is our own business. We both have hobbies and we both respect each other's hobbies and, becasue of the system we use, there's never any squabling over who spent more on what etc. So, he never minds if I've saved up my fun money for a doll, and I don't care if he splurges on bike accessories or skillets

 

I have another expensive hobby. I love photography, but unable to afford the camera only when I started working.
By the doll my family is different (I live with my parents). My mother knows the real price, we told my father much less.
What about a situation where the husband is bad for his wife's hobby ... I still have very little experience in such matters.

 

It's funny that some posters here think that having an "allowance" is childlike and demeaning, and others think that having to ask permission/come to an agreement about personal expenses is childlike and demeaning! I guess it goes to show that a couple should discuss this before marriage/financial merge to make sure that both feel the same way. (I prefer the "allowance" way, because my husband and I have very different spending styles--one of us is a thrifty saver, one of us likes to have lots of little luxuries like eating lunch out every day. Without an allowance, the luxury-buyer spends all the family surplus money, so the saver never has enough to buy the One Big Item they've been holding out for!)

 

My boyfriend and I are still working this issue out. For now, the money is "mine" and "his" as I am still a dependent living with my parents. So far, we've talked about separate accounts for our hobbies (he likes cars, another expensive hobby) and a joint account for life. I think the plan was to put 1/4 of the pay into hobby accounts and 1/2 into joint and the last 1/4 into investments once we get settled. However, for probably the first five years or so, everything needs to go into the joint to pay for big couples purchases (house). I'm also going to be coming out of school with HUGE debt (vet. school), and he wants to help me pay it off.

To put it mildly, this is a subject we'll be discussing for years. I think our plan is going to have to be adaptive to deal with our ever changing lives.

 

Hubby works and I stay at home with the kids and the housework. There was the attitude of "I make the money so I get first say" for a while which really sent me into depression, knowing my life was stuck in domestic servitude until our youngest started school and I had part of the day free to leave the house.

As part of my depression buster (besides going to the doc and getting prescribed meds) I started my own home business. Dolls have been written off as a business expense and I do take them as models for when I have an artist alley booth. It's a trickle of income for me and it feels really good to be PRODUCTIVE. I don't count housecleaning as productive since it takes so little to mess it up... that's more like Sisyphus' task.

If hubby thinks I don't do enough for the house and starts making impossible demands, I go on strike... especially since it's my career and sanity that was sacrificed so we could have "the luxury of having a stay at home parent."

So anyway... kids are going to school full time and I have to go back to college because my bachelors is now useless. I'm hoping to tackle some qualifications so I can be hired and not have to worry about money.

When I worked before (after college but before kids) we had more freedom to pursue our hobbies. My hobby just happens to be... making doll clothes and renting tables at conventions.

Anyway... it's not that it's really domestic servitude but... you know I had plans to DO something with my life and have a career. He got to be a software engineer... why couldn't I be a music teacher? Anyway... the manic depression really didn't help the situation and I'm just burned out on this whole housekeeping thing.

 

The "us" money with dear hubby and I is necessity money. Food, gas, etc.
Then there is the left over my money/his money which equals dolls and video games for the most part.
We don't tell each other what to do with the "my" money..although there may be times when we make suggestions

 

My grandma had the whole "she [as in, myself] should use her money for things that everyone can enjoy, and she shouldn't buy useless things [i.e dolls, books for myself etc.]" It used to annoy me when I would receive money from people for special events, like my birthday or Christmas and then they would want me to spend it the way they wanted me to. But the fact of the matter is, once its mine, its my money. My mom has that very same belief, that I can/and should spend my either hard earned, or rewarded money on what I wanted. A lot of times, my grandmother would be angry with me for wanting to spend money on myself and not other people in the family. When I used to work, she would hint that I should buy groceries and help with the rent. But the thing was, I wasn't working for my family, I was working for myself and my mom covered groceries and rent. So for the families and people who try and forbid a hobby because the persons spending their money for their hobby isn't true to your taste needs to get the stick out of your arse.

 

I am like most of the women on here, whom are married. I have a husband who is in the navy and though he doesnt make AWESOME money, he does make enough to support us. I had a bit of a spending problem when living on Guam, it was mainly because i was 10,000 miles away from home and had one "friend" and hardly a car.

He went underway most of the year and so I was alone a lot.

I matured a lot through our relationship and learned not to spend everything on myself in my boredom. (most of it was food and why i gained nearly 70lbs since being married)

I am a new doll user and my husband is actually quite supportive of this hobby, more supportive than he had been even with the high price of just one doll, its mostly his money as well that I spend.

However, we have two dogs, and between house cleaning, cooking, running errands that he normally cant when he is working long hours and/or underway and just being there for him works out well to fuel my hobby. I dont ever buy clothes for the dolls but i do buy material or salvage from my old clothes I cant or dont wear.

We also have agreements that if I happen to go above and beyond and do something totally awesome he considers getting me a nice present for christmas or before he goes underway. As well as giving up trips home now that we live back stateside.

I dont really see it as "his" money, i see it as "our" money, he did marry me and since we have a relationship that is legal and that if something were to happen to him I am his beneficiary for his life insurance, its "our" money. I hate hearing about husbands who "own" their wives, not taking their opinions in where the money goes, (have a few friends whose husbands are like that) and they treat their wives like fixtures.

 

Unfortunately for me, even money in my account isn't mine anymore, though it is coming from my unemployment check. My husband wasn't controlling at first until I lost my job. And then he started controlling every aspect of what I can do. I can't even spend money without him screaming at me for it. And lately he's decided that he can access my account, with the little income I get and transfer it over because he'll overdraw the joint account, which I can't even use, and not even consult me on it. It took my saving what little I could to get my doll. It really is sad and I'm trying to get another job.
-Sheleeta

 

So, I was reading over this thread and I was thinking about it. I looked over at Sam (my boyfriend) and said, "Honey, if we were married what would you think about me using our combined income on giant dolls like that one other there?"

He said "Uh.... How many dolls are we talking about?" One. "Oh, ummm. Hmm. How much was that one?" $440. "Oh. That's fine. I don't care."

I was surprised, a lot. "You wouldn't care if I spent hundreds of dollars on a doll?"

"Well. You know. Um, technically I spend a lot of money on CDs, which might be considered a waste of money. So. I guess not."

I looked around our living room and realized that even if we assigned a conservative price to every CD there ($10), there are literally $3000 worth of them at least. This is not the first time I've noticed there are an abundance of CDs in my home.... (I remember opening the closet and discovering three department store shopping bags stacked completely with them) but it was the first time it really occurred to me that I'm not the only person in my home with a very expensive hobby, ha ha.

 

My fiancé is very understanding and supporting about the whole doll hobby and doesn't think that I'm crazy spending most of my money on dolls x3 I don't think that he would ever spend his money on them (buy me a doll or something for my dolls as a present, etc.) but at least he lets me do what I want with my own money :p

We both have our own interests and own money. The money I get from work is mine and the money my fiancé gets from work is his. As simple as that. Of course, each of us pays a half of the expenses we share: our rent, internet bills, food and such, but both of us pay our personal expenses, like phone bills, hobbies and such alone.