My money, his money and our money for dolls

My husband makes all of the money to support us, but I do all the cooking and cleaning.

He doesn't mind me getting dolls because I earn the money used on dolls by doing art commissions online. The only way he contributes is by letting me buy stuff we can get in-person at a store, such as fabrics from hobby lobby. Otherwise, if it has to be bought online, he's not helping. But that's partially because of some issue he had with paypal years ago that now prevents his card from working through paypal's website and most of the sites I want to buy from go through paypal one way or the other.

 

I can see both sides of arguments presented here. I live with my parents and I have a number of expensive hobbies. Some of my activities like cheerleading and horsebackriding my mother fully supports because she enjoys them with me. With some of my other hobbies like art, photography, going to anime conventions and my new obsession with dollsm we don't really see eye to eye. However, its her money and she can tell me where to spend it. She abolutely refuses to give me money for dolls and I am completely fine with that. When the day finally comes that I get to unwrap my first doll, he will be purchased with my money and my hard work. I feel like if it is my money entirely, I can do what I want with it. If it is my mom's money, she is within every right to not let me spend it on dolls.

 

With me and my boyfriend/future husband, which I do plan on marrying (we've been together for three years and a month), it goes as such:
I'm the one with a job, he does not. He also helps me get along on some comissions, because I do art comissions, and make tiny bits and pieces of side money here and there. He wants a job and is trying to get one.
He tells me "Save it, but spend it as you feel you want." As in, he'd reccomend me saving it, and being happy, and to be happy, I can you know, buy what I want. But don't blow it all, of course.
With him, he doesn't like the dolls because he thinks the joints look too messy for their price- but he doesn't bash me. He's entirely supportive of all my hobbies, and has even stated in the past that if he had a job, he'd buy me one. I love him to death.
My mom is supportive and she has no income, and I live with my family. However, I underestimate the price to her, as to not make her feel bad.
My dad has no idea, and I know he wouldn't approve.
Most of my friends are neutral/like the idea, but I have one that I'm afraid to tell, but you know, it's not like he pays my bills or anything, hahah.
Even if we were in the situation where I worked at home and took care of kids or something (I don't have any, I'm only 21) if my boyfriend had the money, he'd still buy them for me on the side. Like, maybe one a year, or one every two years, depending on the income.
I'm lucky to have a boyfriend like this.

 

My boyfriend and I moved in together earlier this year. We talked extensively about finances ahead of time so we wouldn't argue about it later on. Essentially the rule is this: as long as the rent is paid, the bills are paid, the pets are cared for, and there is food on the table, my money is my money and his money is his money. We each pay half for household bills (rent, utilities, netflix, etc). We are each responsible for our personal bills (student loans, cell phones, credit cards, etc). He pays for the kitty and I pay for the herps. When it comes to groceries, we each pitch in what we can each week so we're both fed. What's left over is ours alone to decide what we want to do with it. This is what works for us and it's a relief to me to live with someone who understands my take on personal finances! Living with my parents was awful and we argued about money all the time. If I bought a doll at home, my parents would be passive aggressive about it and guilt trip me for spending my own money on myself. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I spend my money on dolls, but he doesn't judge me for it. Just like I don't judge him when he spends lots of money on things I don't understand.

It helps that we're both employed. If I wasn't employed and relied on my boyfriend's income to help me with my bills, I wouldn't spend any money on dolls or things I didn't absolutely need.

 

Seeing as I'm going for a business degree and plan to work for money/have money working for me my whole life, I don't really have to deal with the stay at home thing. My income is my income.
I kinda believe in splitting money. Maybe it's just the finance student in me, but I think of a marriage much like a partnership agreement: how money is spent should be clearly stated, all the way from expense payments to application towards hobbies such as dolls. The percentages that go to individuals after the expenses should be talked out and agreed upon.

 

I'm not married yet, but I'm expecting to have the "finances talk" with my fiance as soon as he graduates in December.

The trouble is that I'm the one bothered by the inequality in income (or projected income). It doesn't help that I'm carrying a hefty amount of debt in student loans to the relationship. Sure, we both have debt, but mine is twice his, and as a nurse he'll be making at least 150% of my income as a librarian. It doesn't bother him, but it does bother me. Maybe after we talk about our joint finances and come up with a plan, I'll feel a little better. I just... I hate the idea of being a "trophy wife." There's an independent streak in me which screams for equal footing, even if we don't make the same amount of money in our respective careers.

I'm actually hoping we can come to an agreement with one joint account for bills, one joint savings account for major purchases that benefit both of us (cars, appliances, a house, etc) and individual checking/savings accounts for our own personal desires. He's always got to have the latest technology and computer games and such, and I don't mind him spending money on it if we have the money and if I also get to buy things I want.

 

I'm getting married soon-ish (meaning we do't have a date...). My fiance thinks my hobby is a little odd, but as long as I/We don't go broke sustaining it we're all good. (He buys video games and plays WoW so can't say shiz...)

We both have jobs. We both pay rent/cable/electric/gas. I also have a hospital bill I am paying off at $50 a month. Our money is divided into His/Her/Our. Our being bills. Anything we have leftover is free game as long as the bills are paid. We also have a saving account that we keep up with. $25 dollars a month gets drawn out of our checking and put in there. We also have a change jar that we change in and put into savings.

I have the luck of being crafty, though. Any money I make through dolly means (Selling on MP), or if I sell old clothes on Ebay I keep in my Paypal account for dolly things. And he's cool with that. Anything other thing that money would be used for would be is if it was a SUPER EMERGENCY! But other than that it is dolly money.

Hope I said that so it makes makes sense x.x Makes sense to me...

 

Hm...I think it really depends on the couple. I think some couples would feel to controlled and watched if they had a joint account while other couples would feel too separate from their loved one if they had separate accounts. I think there's also some trial and error involved.

For my fiance and I, right now we're on about equal footing money-wise, as we're both just working part-time in college. I spend a little bit more and save a little bit less money because I like going to movies, going out to eat, etc. He was spending wa~y more money than me when I first met him, because he was into Magic: the Gathering, but that's tapered off for him a lot. The only thing he said to me when I told him I was saving up for a BJD was to make sure I really wanted it (he knows I can be a bit flighty sometimes) and not to buy it before I had enough money.

In the future, we both know I'll be making more money than him and that he might even be a househusband. In that case, I know I'd never begrudge him his hobbies so long as we agreed upon an amount of money to save each month and had enough money for food, bills, stuff for the kids, etc. I think whether we have a joint or separate accounts we will be fine because I know how important spending on yourself is and he is really frugal anyway. Now, he might have a problem with my spending, but I'm willing to agree to limit my spending even if I'm the one making the money, because I think saving up for the future is really important.

 

We basically adhere to the "my money, his money, our money" idea. I make most of the money, take care of our finances, and handle most of the housework, haha. However, I am very happy in my marriage so I don't mind the situation for now. I want him to be able to work his way up and be happy in his job.. as long as he is working hard to do so it's fine. We've also agreed to swap places once he becomes the main breadwinner so that I can go back to school and take time to decide what I want to do with my life in the long run.

Anyway, each month after our bills are paid we set aside grocery money and savings, we each have our own bit of "mad money" to spend however we like. We don't have any debt―no mortgage, no car payments, nothing―but we're saving up for our someday-house, so we usually don't spend too much extra.. but thankfully we're able to go buy things when we want them. We each have our own $1,000 limit Mastercard for emergencies and large household costs, but only to build credit (since we have never had any loans we haven't built it any other way), so we make sure they are paid off each month. That means if it's something big (i.e., a doll), we either opt for layaway or save up until we have enough to buy it outright.

We're doing pretty well and we're careful with our money, so there's no friction between us as far as what we individually spend on. We're always open and honest about it as well. My husband basically spends like $500 per year on gaming so he doesn't have room to complain when I save up and bring home another $500 doll every couple of years, lol.

..Not to say he doesn't tease me about it.

 

My fiancee is the breadwinner in our life He works very hard all the time to make us both happy, and i'm very proud of him
We both have our own quirky hobbies, he plays Yu-Gi-Oh (the trading card game) and is quite a serious player, so naturally a lot of money gets spent on those cards (which can get very pricey). BJD's are pricey, his cards are pricey, so we're even in that sense xD We both look at it like, we both have our own hobbies, whether we like them or not, so we don't bother each other over it, i don't think we've ever had a money argument O.o
The closest thing we have to a money argument, is when he wants to buy things for me and i feel bad, lmao XD
It's wrong of other people to get in your face about buying dolls, no matter how *pointless* they feel they are...someone might feel the same about their hobby, does that make it wrong? Of course not. I think some people just can't stand to tolerate something they dislike, weird as that may be >.<

 

That sounds like a great way to run things ^^ It's nice that you don't get money friction, it's the same for me and my fiancee
I get teased about my doll hobby too :P But it's always nice teasing, he actually understand why i love them and thinks they're pretty cool, even though they're pricey xD
I don't think i want to calculate how much he spends a year on his Yu-Gi-Oh hobby though...

 

I am not married nor do I plan to.. The closest I get is boyfriends.. and they live where they live and I live were I live. The last time I tried living with a boyfriend we soon found out that my priorities were not the same as his.. and I did not agree with how he handled things. To make a long story short it was complete war zone after a while and I vow never to move in with a boyfriend again. I am extreamly independent and most guys do not like that I don't need them like they would like me to. So chances are I will never be married.. but ya never know.. there might be that slight 5% chance that I may meet the perfect dude.. and if that happens money will go similar to this.. we add our moneys together. Subtract house hold expenses (car payments.. bills.. food..ect) The rest would be labeled play moneys and then be split as even as possible between us.. then we would be allowed to spend our split moneys however we see it. As long as its legal.

When I was living with my parents.. any money I saved or had was spent how I saw it to be spent..

As for now basically its how it goes most places.. rent and basic house expenses come first.. then i take the rest save it up and spend it on whatever i choose be it dolls, games whatever.

 

That sounds very abusive. Taking money from your own account without telling you...O_o

I'm surprised at how many wives here default to being the traditional home makers, which is very surprising and very concerning IMHO. In my household, my mom is the breadwinner and my dad's the home maker. My mom's a nurse and my dad's currently (and doesn't look like it'll change any time soon) unemployed. She doesn't spend much other than purses, shoes, clothes here and there... he spends tons of money on cigarettes, videogames, Airsoft, action figures. Although technically they have a joint account, he completely runs it, as in all expenditures. I've yet to hear them argue about money except when my mom gets mad at relatives abroad relying on them for finance while my dad buys them stuff (toys, clothes, shoes).

Since I'm a full-time student going to college every day with longer hours than earlier years, except weekends, I only get spending money from allowances. I think it's fair that I get allowances because the other reason why I can't get a job is because my parents would rather have me in the house doing chores, as a girl should be doing, instead of working. And with the current market... kinda hard to get a job too, especially here in SD.

When my mom asks me how much my dolls cost, I just smile and walk away. She know they're expensive but she doesn't force the subject since I've pretty much quit most of my other hobbies for BJDs.

 

I'm married, been married nearly 7 years now. (Go us! ) We have a simple plan at our house for spending money on non essentials; Anything over $100 we discuss it. Period. This includes anything from BJD to new tires for the car. Because we have joint accounts we like to let the other person know of our want/need. ( Because we both go through the accounts to look for discrepancies. No ID theft for us.) We then sit down and go over the finances, make sure everything is in order and then we go buy whatever it is we want. The only time this rule is not in effect is for presents for each other. We have a set amount we spend on others and do not exceed it. We always plan ahead for vacations too.

 

This and this! Both Laelen and Jessica have pretty much summed up my opinion. Housework and child rearing are just things that need to be done- just because you do them doesn't mean you should get paid for it. I'm not married and I'm in the middle of college, but I think that having a private personal account as well as joint account is your best bet. If one spouse doesn't work, then I personally believe that his or her doll money should be earned the way any teenager living at home would earn it: get a part time job, or start taking commissions or exploring other options etc. Taking that money from the working spouse seems wrong unless it's given as a gift.

 

First I'm going to preference this with I'm not married, and don't plan on marrying, but I have friends who are, some of whom are stay at homes wives. Now the problem I have with that thinking is that yes household chores and taking care of the family is something that does have to be done, however it is still a JOB, it is still WORK, and it is not always EASY work. I think taking care of a family is just as important as someone going to work everyday. You can't disregard what a person does just because what they do isn't bringing in the bacon, because let me tell you if none of those things get done, someone going to work and someone taking care of the house, the whole family is SOL. I'm not saying that the stay at home person should say get paid hourly wages, but if that's how the couple wants to work things out then so be it. But the person who stays at home should be acknowledged for the work they do, and not made to feel guilty about expenditures as long as the household finances are taken care of. And fortunately for my friends and their husbands they recognize this.

Personally if I was married then I probably wouldn't even have a joint account, just a "yours" and "mine" because I don't particularly care for people telling me how I should spend my money. I would like to think I'm smart enough to not buy dolls when other finances need to be paid, and to save for a rainy day and as such when I do buy a doll I would have already thought out whether or not I can afford. That's what I do now anyway.

 

Hmm...Since I'm mentioned here I suppose I should pop in. I think teru has deviated a little from my own opinion, which is fine.

Please let me be clear when I say that child-rearing and housekeeping are not 'easy' as you've put it, cloudedmind. I don't think members of the female sex [the vast populace of doa] would be especially eager to jump to that conclusion either, considering the globally mutual level of responsibility placed on a mother or grandmother as the female head of any social household. The perception has nothing to do with level of difficulties. The matter is not 'oh that's easy so you don't deserve anything'. This has nothing to do with "not bringing home the bacon". in the given situation of a stay at home parent.

Allow me to clarify; child rearing and house keeping are [imho] just not things that should be rewarded with money. They should be a priority for both individuals of the couple, for their combined best interests, for the best interests of their family, etc.. The workload needn't be rationed out with regards to proportions of money because the point of keeping a home and raising children well is only to have as Jescissa finely put :" a clean house and well-adjusted, happy children not ball-jointed dolls."

In other words. There should be no question as to why [general] you raise your children and clean the house. There shouldn't [in a mutually respectful relationship] be a desire for money for the specific reason that a person does these things.

You've written "But the person who stays at home should be acknowledged for the work they do, and not made to feel guilty about expenditures as long as the household finances are taken care of."

If you've read my earlier post, then you'll know that I agree with you on the terms of having the bigger priorities in finances well taken care of. I also agree that couples must respect each other. I'd thought i'd made it clear before, but that respect would be the source of allowances [in the form of dolls, for this conversation] here and there.

I do disagree on your separation of interests in finance, but my reasons were already written before :}

 

I did add my own opinion to what had already been said, but I also wanted to add that it wasn't so much the idea that you shouldn't get acknowledged for staying at home as the idea that you should get paid for it- again, child rearing and housework are things that need to be done, and either of you could do it- but it seems wrong to expect that because you do it exclusively you get a 'salary' from the spouse that works. Every relationship is different, and this is just my opinion, but if I decided that I wanted to stay home and raise children and do the housework, then I wouldn't expect my husband to 'pay' me for it. Yes, we should share money- but I wouldn't feel the need to have an 'allowance' for my personal use necessarily. If I wanted money to be used for my personal needs, then I'd find a way to earn it. That's just my opinion.

 

Dude, Teruchan, are you saying a stay at home mom should have to go out and get a job to be able to buy anything for herself? |: Srsly?

Anyway, LOLZ at the people calling the stay-at-home spouse the "non-working spouse" or similar phrases. So, doing laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc., for another person isn't work? Ha. NEWS TO ME. Hey could you come over to my place and clean up the piss dribbles that boys leave all over the toilet? For no reward? Because it's obviously not real work.

Generally with a stay-at-home + breadwinner pair, one person works outside the home, one person works in it; the person who works outside is able to make more money because the person who works inside does things that the outside worker would normally have to spend their own time on, IE, food, laundry, kids.

The burden is shared, so the reward ought to be shared. Works out pretty well.

If a person has common sense, good self control, and knows their spouse well, they'll be able to tell when it's okay to splurge a bit and when it's not. This is true whether you're the income winner or the stay at homer.

Of course, I'm all for spouses discussing finances (and everything else) with each other. Often, and in depth. But for crap's sake, a woman should be able to buy something for herself now and then without having to beg her Almighty Husband for "permission" or an "allowance" like he's her daddy. GROSS. What is this, 1920?

ON THE OTHER HAND... when I see the married 40 year old stay at home woman with 15 to 30 dolls, I just think... dear lord. Her poor husband. And poor kids, if she has them. Not only is it unfair that they have to subsidize her out of control hobby, it's unfair that they have to live in a house cluttered with dolls. Because let's face it, if you have that many, storage is an issue and they're probably all over the living room on a daily basis. Few men want to live nose to nose with dozens of dolls and I pity the ones who are forced to.

 

No- for the second time, that's NOT what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that something like a doll isn't something you need to get from the household funds if you DON'T have a job. So please don't accuse me of insensitivity, because having had a mum who raised me by herself, trust me- I understand the work involved in raising children and doing housework. What I don't understand is the sense of entitlement- just because you work at home doesn't mean you should get paid. End of story. I am not denying that it's hard work, but it's hard work that is required, you don't get paid for doing your chores do you? YES a stay at home mum should be recognized for what she does- but NO she shouldn't get a salary. That doesn't mean she can't have money to spend for things she wants for herself if her husband sees fit- however, it's not something you can just expect necessarily. That is my point. If you don't like my opinion, then that's totally fine- but I reserve the right to have one.


Oh and FYI: when I say "stay at home spouse" I'm being awesomely liberal and including MEN in that. If you'd like to change it to 'stay at home mum' then that's fine, but I thought we lived in the twenty-first century personally.