My money, his money and our money for dolls

There are so many assumptions here I... wow.

You know, I haven't actually seen that said. Seen 'not earning money'/'doesn't have a job', but not 'doesn't do any work'.

Totally agreed here.

Well, I'm not married, but I do live with someone and have for 15+ years, so we may as well be married. I have more than 30 dolls in the house -- and with the exception of 3 MSD size, they're all SD size or larger. None of them are in the living room -- that's where his thousands (literally) of DVDs live, and apparently he's one of 'the few, the proud, the men who are cool with living nose to nose with dozens of dolls'. He doesn't need your pity, nor do I, nor are either of us 'out of control' as you so judgmentally put it.

By the way -- I pay for all of them out of the 'my earned money' stack, and wouldn't have it any other way. He's offered to pay for things over the years if he knows I want something -- just like I've done for him -- but neither of us has ever asked unless it's something related to bills, taxes, utilities, etc. (The 'want something' donations from his end come to about $175 total in over two years, so that's not even 1% here, such a negligible sum I don't even think about it.)

 

The stay-at-home-parent deserves money, too thing is not like saying they're asking for wages. It's because their work is still, even to this day, regarded as not working at all or worth no money, and something they should do without expecting much or anything in return. And it's not. Home-makers often do what would amount to multiple jobs that would earn them quite a bit of money if they did it as work. This is not to say that mothers should have kids like it's a job, but that what they do is extremely valuable, they are using skills and making sacrifices, and they are therefore entitled to some of the household money. It shouldn't be a matter of the "breadwinner" (who couldn't live the lifestyle he or she does without the support of the partner at home) doling out money as he or she pleases. I think the number of people who say they maintain a separate account probably reflects on how, er, well this has been done in the past.

Now, does that mean that the stay-at-home partner MUST be allowed to buy dolls? No, not at all. But there should be some discretionary money available for his or her specific needs and desires if the household money is all treated as a common pool.

Feminists mainly use the money idea with housewives as a concept to put a value on housework/parenting, because monetary value is pretty much the main widely accepted value people look at when it comes to work. They aren't suggesting there should be a timeclock in the home, or that parents don't do what they do out of love. This came about out of an attempt to gain respect for women working in the home.

I'm single, but I would definitely do the joint account/his account/my account setup. I hate talking about money and finances, I wouldn't want to have to do it every time I turned around. But I'd want to marry a geek anyways, because I think he'd get weird collecting habits - and probably have some of his own.

 

Reading this thread again it occured to me to look at this from a legal standpoint. Swedish law says that in a marriage both parties should have the same economical standard even if one party contributes more money to the household. An extension of this says that a home maker has the right to the same economical standard as his/her partners since not only monetary contributions to the household should be considered.

These are the morals which stand behind my view that both parties should have equal spending money, given that they are married or live under marriage like circumstances, regardless who makes more as long as both parties try to contribute to the household in some way.
I currently make about 600 dollars more a month than my partner does. So had I considered this surplus mine I could have bought a doll a month on top of my spending money. However since I see my partner as a spouse I feel this money should benefit us both, not raising me to a significantly higher financial standard.

 

Wow. I'd pinch off that wild stream of "ass-u-me"ing right there, if I were you. "Let's face it" means nothing when it's just your own wee opinion; people do not have to "face" anything that's not true in their own circumstance. It is perfectly possible to store 30 dolls in a single room out of a 1-bedroom apartment, without clutter, so it's even more possible in a house. Having 15-30 dolls does not automatically equate to anything being out of control. If hubby is subsidizing wife's expensive hobby, chances are he's also happily subsidizing his own expensive hobby. Lots of men do want to live nose-to-nose with dozens of dolls. And so on. So much Wrong in one li'l paragraph.

That's my boat, too. Even when I go through periods of being paired up with somebody, I'd rather have a sharp stick in my eye than not work & be able support myself... Like hell I'd trust any domestic partner to control my money for me, & leave myself resourceless in an emergency. I can't even wrap my head around the concept of being a dependent anymore.

(I have always earned more money than my partners, though, so it has always been in my best interest to retain control anyway. Even when their intentions are good 'n' enlightened, men can sometimes get weird ideas about earning-power vs. masculinity despite themselves.)

 

Ah, sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that the stay at home spouse 'should' get paid, as in I worked this many hours or did this amount of work, so now hand it over. But rather that the work that they did do was also important for the whole family, and thus they shouldn't be over looked for their efforts, or feel guilty for asking for money for things that may not be necessities because they just happen to be the spouse that isn't making the money. But as we've both mentioned as long as all other expenses are taken care of. Like Timid mentioned I don't think there should be a timeclock in the kitchen, or that they automatically deserve to have dolls for the work they do. Like you said it's a matter of respect between the couple. Realizing that both parties have needs and wants, and that they both contribute to the family, and should have an equal share. But like I said this is probably why I'll never get married, I'm horrible at sharing and compromising when I don't want to. When I want my stuff I want my stuff.

 

My parents do something similar with money... it's probably one of the main reasons they're still together after 50 yrs... including hanging wall paper together in a small bathroom.

Dad has his money (and can have his little splurges), Mom has her money (and her little splurges) and the "their money" takes care of bills, emergencies, household repairs, etc.

 

(SORRY, WROTE A NOVEL HERE)

I'm a teen, so no marriage experience here! However, I do feel angry at times when my parents try to control the money I earned myself or received as a Christmas/birthday gift. I don't receive allowance. There was a brief time when I did as a child, but that time is long gone. I find it very hypocritical of them to tell me I'm "mature and responsible" enough to get a driver's license, apply to colleges, work a job, etc., but I'm not "mature and responsible" enough to spend my money as I choose. I am a full time high school student. I have had one permanent job as a junior (I'm now a senior) where I worked for almost the entire school year. Before I took the job, I had planned on using the money that wasn't being saved for college for a D-SLR camera and a SD size BJD. At the end of the job, I had a D-SLR only. I paid for half of it with my money, and the other half was paid by my parents as my big Christmas gift for the year. I got very discouraged while holding that job. It required me to come in at 5 A.M. every weekend and work 7 hours. That job plus full time schooling exhausted me. I had nothing to really work for, seeing as to how I wasn't allowed to buy a BJD. I quit the job because it wasn't really benefiting my schoolwork or downtime. During the beginning of my senior year, I was lucky to land a seasonal job close to home. It also tired me out because I would go to school for seven hours, come home for one hour, then go to work for four hours. I only had a full Saturday off each week. At the end of this job, I had enough money to buy two SD sized dolls if I wanted to. Cue the finance police! My parents told me I shouldn't be spending the money with college approaching, even though I only took the job because of my motivation to buy a BJD. I have no expenses other than gas money for my used vehicle. Naturally, this angered me. I literally spent money on nothing other than gas and a haircut. One day I woke up to the news that they would allow me to order the doll. They were under the assumption that a SD sized doll with a faceup that costs $585 total comes with multiple pairs of eyes, a wig, clothes, etc. This doll only comes with fist hands, high heeled feet, and one pair of acrylic eyes. When I ordered her $50 dress with my own money without consulting them, they went ballistic. This is quite a problem seeing as to how I haven't gotten the chance to order her even one wig. My poor girl won't be nude, but she will be bald until I can work something out. Anyway, long story short, I am in need of a doll wig and have well over $200 just sitting in my bank account. Yeah. Isn't it wonderful? =__= I'm not trying to be a bitter person, I just want to have a say over my own money. At least I'm not out spending it on illegal drugs or alcohol. And like others have said, some people spend a lot of money in small amounts at a time, but they still spend it. I went without buying any extras for myself for a while just to make that one large purchase...

Edit: I feel off-topic even though my post is about money. My parents pretty much combine their incomes for household bills, necessities, etc. They don't really buy themselves big things throughout the year. They buy big items during birthdays or Christmas. I guess that's another reason my buying a doll for myself for no reason shocks them.
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*Bravo*!!! Thank you for posting that!! It's darned rare to read about a couple being together that long any more and it makes me happy .

My hubby and I have been together since 1978 and have taken turns being chief wage-earner over the years. For a while he supported me entirely and yes, I enjoyed doing the at-home thing. (I actually LIKE keeping house if I don't have to do it on top of everything else). For the past 17 years I've been the primary wage-earner, supporting him while he got his Masters and Doctorate degrees, but during that time some years he's made nearly as much as I have and other years not much at all.

We respect each other, and while I am the one who keeps tabs on the bills (just as he is the one who cooks) we each do the occasional splurge. I actually often get the "WHY are you even ASKING?" when I think about buying a doll, but it's because I don't want to over-splurge on our combined dime, so to speak, so I respect our relationship by asking "is it ok with you if..." I suspect he would say something if he thought I was being overindulgent buuut... maybe not. Who knows. By the same token, he warns me if he's going to or wants to put something larger than a trifle on the cards. It's kind of like a mutual set of checks and balances.

I don't now and never have liked the "allowance" thing that my parents did; but when that was in place women generally did *not* work outside the home, so it was his way of allowing her the little splurges. The rest of the money was first and foremost for household expenses, and he had his hobbies, but they both worked together on large decisions.

In this day and age, however, it's very important for both ends of a partnership of any sort to have his or her own credit rating and money, regardless of whether it originates in one salary or two. You really must be able to have a credit record in the unhappy event that something happens to the other partner or to the relationship.

And, um, I have no clue whether any of that had anything to do with the original question. I guess it's all a matter of respect and common sense. Common sense applies in terms of making assumptions about others, as well (as Surreality and JennyNemesis have pointed out, above).

 

I think it all depends your situation with what works financially. Me and my husband do things differently than most of our married friends. He makes way more than I do (I just work a retail job) so he pays the majority of the bills and I put in an amount towards them that we both feel is fair because of the amount I make. We have seperate bank accounts and after what we spend on food, bills, and household things...whatever we make is free game for us to use how we please. We have friends who are outraged that we don't share a bank account but we feel it works for us. for 1 - we have no children so we really don't NEED to share a bank account. If we had kids then we have already said when that time comes we will pull our money together for the sake of the kids and taking care of them. But many of our friends have this deep seeded resentment for their partner that handles the money mainly (usually the man since our of our friends the men all have higher paying jobs) because they get to buy more for themselves. We have one set of friends though they share a bank account and both have cards, he handles most of the bills and everything and then will spend the remaining on something wanted for himself and not worry about anything she might want or need. He buys video games all of the time for himself but when she wants a new pair of $20 boots for work...the expense is too much. She holds a lot of resentment towards him because of that.

In our situation it works. We get the bills paid, food on the table, and the house is taken care of when it needs something and then we both have "fun money" to spend how we wish. That way neither of us have to stalk what the other is buying to see if it's "fair" or if one of us is using more of "our" money than the other. I know what I made and he knows what he made and we both always know where the money is going. It works for us. He likes video games and I like dolls so I don't hypocrit what he does with his fun money and he doesn't me. It's our own money to do as we please. We've had friends try to tell us this means we dont trust one another but we see it as there's enough trust that we don't need to hound the others funds. (and Im not saying that if you share accounts and money you dont trust one another Im just speaking in our own situation how we feel)

 

8D.. Well..Upon reading kaourika's rather inflammatory response I've decided that surreality and Jenny have answered more civilly than I could =w=...

Sorry If I caused you strife, Teru, I was just making sure my opinions were separate from yours :} I do understand your purpose.

:} I understand, clouded.

On the term of allowances, I hope I didn't throw a bomb in the pond by using that word =w=. I do not mean it in the sense of the more colloquial terms of something similar to giving allowances to children or something like that. I meant it like ..if everything else is taken care of, then I guess doing [x] or buying [x] at this time is okay. 8E I hope that's clear..Indulgences should be allowed for everyone, as long as it doesn't get too crazy. :}

Celestila: I think your formed opinions are a bit premature [imho, just from an older person's perspective who is in university]. But I don't believe anything I tell you will get through until you can look back on it. If it's really bothering you, ask your parents to talk to you about it in a calm manner. It probably seems overwhelming at your age :} I can understand that. Just give it time and a little effort to reach an understanding with them. Managing money well takes both experience and caution.

 

My apologies for being so rude- I shouldn't have lost my temper in the first place, everyone does have a right to their opinions as well after all >.<;;;; It is a heated debate though, and it's good to see so many sides to it, even if I don't always agree with them all- I did learn something!

 

Unless you're a housekeeper/cleaning service or a nanny/daycare, I assume.

I joke, but I do think that in a healthy partnership that outsourcing-option would be part of the discussion about who does what work and for what reward (be it saving on daycare/cleaning or the desire to spend more time with kids, or moving to a country where partner A will make twice the salary but partner B can't legally work, etc). If the non-employed partner is the only one sacrificing, I'd wonder how well thought out their decision really was - if partner A is giving up dolls and partner B is giving up model planes so that one can stay home (and they both believe that it's best for their family) that makes sense, but if partner A is giving up dolls and planes while partner B golfs and owns 3 horses, then that could raise eyebrows regardless of who might be bringing home the paycheque.

 

I have to chime in a tad. I've been with my hubby for almost 4 years, sharing a home for 3 1/2 and married for only a month (I was never big on the idea but it has tax benefits XD I am okay with marriage I just think commitment is in the relationship not the signed paper).

He works full time, I work very part time as my job won't give me any darn hours, I volunteer part time, and I sell a few things on Ebay, that said I barely make anything compared to him. Add to that a possible $50,000 debt from his school loans and you can see we have a very odd household.

But in our house there is no "mine" or "his", if I want something bad enough we will see if we can budget it, he does the same. It really makes it worth it when you have to save up for something you want anyways. When we run over budget we both cut back. I cook and I clean but I don't ask for anything for doing this, I'm simply trying to help out. Same with the ebay funds and my paychecks, they all go to one mutual fund. The ONLY time we have exclusive rights is if money was a gift to one of us from a family member. I love the transparency in our relationship, and we never fight over money. We're both equal in all things.

 

@ Hervoyel: Annnnddd that is why I have laid down mutual respect as a condition for my discussions. I didn't think I needed to define what respect was.

Thank you dusk! You've described a real life situation of exactly what I was aiming to explain =u=

 

And (or should I say "annnnddd" too?) I wasn't saying that you needed to define it - Just pointing out that those "shouldn't be rewarded with money" things aren't necessarily unpaid, and that in itself is part of the general financial decision-making. Not that you (and the multiple people who implied the same thing - I just quoted your post because it was the last of many) don't know that, but when so many people are saying "we all clean our own toilets/watch our own kids", I felt compelled to be more explicit about the fact that some people don't (and that others do get paid for doing it for them).

The respect thing was just side-musing about the fallout of those decisions - be it giving dolls up because you're paying the nanny or giving dolls up because you're unemployed - rather than a direct response (and trying to stay on topic by bringing dolls back into it).

 

Oh, that's a great system! I'm going to remember that.

 

Hmm this is a bit of a touchy subject I gather Anyway here's my 2 cents:

How do you feel about the our money, his money, her money issue. as it concerns luxury items such as our precious dorries. You might mention how you deal with it in your household.

We pretty much has His, Hers and Ours money too. I'm not married but have been together for 4 years now. The Ours money is actually not the one contributing to bills, this money is a 1:1 contribution between us to be used for expensive mutual luxuries, like holidays, cars, etc. Bills and things go form our own money but again with 1:1 ratio (we earn pretty similar wages).

Now I'm about to get my 1st doll and my BF at first was being disagreeable. He told me face to face that it is My money and I can spend it however I want but he had lots of concern that I would totally forget about the doll in a month or so after spending so much on it - he didn't tell me this of course - and would grumble endlessly when I mention anything to do with BJD. I have to say though that he's a very stingy person due to our current money circumstances - our job has been paying late - and so he rarely buys anything for himself. Since both have our own monies I decide to let it drop for a while but then I realised something: despite our current situation I always try and buy him stuff that I know would make him happy. He however totally forgot to even think of buying me any gift whatsoever. Even my bday present I had to ask for >.>

Needless to say after a few days of fights he realised that yes maybe he has been stingy with His money and too focused on it to actually use the money to enjoy life and now he is gonna pay a wee bit of my doll while I promised him I would buy him new shoes.

I think in a relationship it just has to be a 1:1 ratio of contribution to life in general. And not just in monetary matter too! As long as both party is happy with the other person's contribution I think it will all work out in the end. You just can't have all these separate money and then disagree that the other person shouldn't buy this or that. Either you be fully independent for your luxuries, or be transparent and try to contribute as much as you can to the other's wants.

 

I'm single but I'd never 'share' money. She'd have her job, I'd have mine, her money would go on her hobby so mine would go on my hobby.

 

My boyfriend is passive about my BJD`s. Very passive, and understanding, cause as far as I know, he told me that when married, as long as I don`t frequently buy BJD`s, I`m allowed to buy a few. (if I end up being a housewife) He buys LOTS of Video Games, so we even out each other.

My mother, on the other hand, did not let me buy BJD`s when I lived with her. She however did fall in love with my Yo-SD Kuuta (which is with her now) and has become more passive ever since. Since then she has found affection towards my Kurt and Sasha. I guess sometimes it takes one doll to understand the hobby fully.

 

Ah, but what happens if you end up with joint investments/dependents/obligations?