[Out of Control?] Unsupportive Friends and Family

clockwork angel, my hubby did a similar thing. i ordered a doll back in febuary with my left over tax money and she did not arrive until april of course, since the company has to cast the resin and such. he was like "where did you get that money?? Did you pay your car payment??" and i had to show him that i ordered her 2 months ago and have been waiting for her. he didnt understand that it takes them so long to make the dolls, he thinks of it as a big factory like mattel where barbie after barbie is pumped out in minutes. he assumed i must have ordered her with in the week and "wasted" our bill money.

my hubby does think i'm "out of control" with my dolls [i also have a huge colection of porcelain dolls] but i think he's out of control with his video games so it evens out...

 

As long as you were being financially responsible, weren't using the dolls as some mental crutch, and had enough room for them, even 500 dolls wouldn't be "out of control." Your life, your money, your choices!

I'd avoid discussing your doll hobby with that particular friend in the future. S/he obviously doesn't get the appeal of the dolls and will most likely continue to question your motives.

 

Boxie: As long as bills are paid and no debts are being chalked up, I think you are perfectly fine. Its another hobby, just one that requires more money. I do not that your friends are being rude, just mainly being concerned. They are non-BJD collectors, hence spending that kind of money may lead them to think that you are "obsessed".

I bought 10 SD dolls in span of 15 months. Sure, my friends think Im abit over-doing it but hey, I made sure my bills are paid on time and there are still enough savings to tide me for a long time should I lose my job. And I cut down on alot of other shopping expenses for my BJDs. So my friends understand that my priorities or should I say, interests have changed. XD

 

I have to agree with the above. As annoying it can be for the child, the parent still has parenting to do. "Eat your vegetables." "Brush your teeth." "Have you thought long and hard before spending this much money?"
A parent can't protect you from everything, but has to at least try or else you get the sad tale of my brother who got scammed out of a lot of money, because he didn't see the red flags I'm sure my father would have noticed, but my father thought my brother could spend the money without supervision at the age of 25.
Sometimes parents get annoyingly involved in your spending behaviour, because they don't want you to end up feeling bad while they could have done something to prevent it from happening.

It would be a different story if a parent tells you you can't spend your own money at all. That would be bad parenting in my book.

 

It's all personal opinion on what is out of control and what isn't.

Its your money, not your friend's.

Personally I don't feel you're out of control at all. You're being careful about ordering and saving money for other priorities too. And you have 6 dolls, not like... 40 or something. But even then, some people collect them so what I consider to be a lot is different from what they think. ^^

 

I agree with Muisje's first statement. To someone else not in the hobby it can be pretty difficult to comprehend why someone would spend so much money on an object, let alone multiples of said object- so to them it does seem like you're out of control. To the fellow collectors here, that behavior is totally normal if not the "You only have 6? That's not a lot at all." kind of response.

I'd compare it to whatever their hobby is to help them understand that behavior like that is pretty normal and not harming you. Like my future mother-in law gave me a "O.o()()" look when she found out about my hobby, but my mate explained to her it's like her collecting shoes. Sometimes she'd spend couple hundred on a couple pair of boots when she has a perfectly good pair already. She seems to understand it now, somewhat.

Some people have a want for 4 or 5 cellphones/ ipods that makes me go "huh? why?" so I can totally see why someone else would think that having more than one doll is out of control. I would say that it's your hobby and as long as it's not impacting your financial status negatively, it's not a problem.

 

I think the problem is... whether it's a parent or a friend saying it... that "you're out of control" is making an unfair assumption that the person has lost it and is being totally unreasonable. If the person is being careful with their money and their time and IS in control, saying "you're out of control" is very hurtful and insulting. It's like saying, "you're totally out of your mind!" --which isn't exactly helpful or caring!

If someone truly cares, perhaps they should ask first, about how the person is planning for the dolls and if they are sure they aren't hurting themselves by spending money they need elsewhere. Yeah, it take some careful phrasing and some more involved conversation--but that's how it should be if the person truly cares. Making a judgment call without checking their facts first is just not right!

Because, it's true that people think "out of control" means different things according to their point of view. They need to step back and see if things really are a problem... or if the person actually knows what they are doing. Because, accusing a person of NOT knowing what they are doing is hurtful and doesn't help anything.

Most of us know when we're obsessing a bit too much and getting a bit out of control. A kindly reminder is sometimes good, if we really are getting a bit crazy. But most people are not THAT crazy... Like, many people spend money on seemingly silly things... gambling, fashions, cars, electronics, going out to places... we may THINK that they are being excessive or spending money on stupid things, but we have to keep our judgments to ourselves because we know that they have the right to spend their money how they please. But if we see that something is really hurting them... that they are running up big debts or skipping things they really should be paying for... then maybe we have some reason to ask about it. Not to say "you're out of control!" but maybe to ask some questions and give some advice.

I know I verge on being out of control at times (I, also, bought the most dolls after my Dad passed away. Stuff like that just makes one more susceptible to trying to do whatever will make you feel a bit better). But mostly, I am keeping it together. I'm paying my bills and am not in debt. I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me I was behaving like a crazy-person. I understand that I am a LITTLE crazy and sometimes I need to be reined in a bit, but I would resent someone telling me I was out of control--even if I thought they might be a little right about it. It's just a mean thing to say. I think it'd make me go out and buy a doll! (which wouldn't be right, but ...!)

 

I've never had anyone say that to me. I personally don't think you sound out of control -- it sounds like your purchases are actually pretty spaced out, and in a hobby that involves collecting a particular item, it's not unusual to end up with an array of that thing (in this case dolls).

Two things could be happening: One, your friend isn't into dolls, and when someone isn't in to something, they can have a hard time understanding why someone would shell out what they see as a large amount of money on it. It doesn't matter that they may have thing that they spend money on, because they can't make a connection between what they do and what you do. It happens all the time with people and their hobbies.

Two, your friend isn't into collecting things, and doesn't fully understand what that entails. Some people really are like that -- collecting things is common in my family, and that's one of the reasons I've never gotten flak for my dolls. To a person that doesn't collect, they may not see why you would need more than one doll.

 

I always laugh a little when someone accuses bjd collectors of 'being out of control' ....that certainly does not describe most of the collectors I've met. For one thing, unless you are a millionaire and can blow $300-900 on a doll - which most of us can't- that is why most dealers have layaway plans- you have to be somewhat organized to acquire these dolls, not to mention- patient. Standard layway can be four months, I never heard of longer- and if the order period window is only open for a certain time, getting your doll can take longer. So it doesn't sound like you are out of control, but I do understand how other non bjd people would perceive it per se..my mother loves my dolls, but thinks of course, they are too expensive.

 

I wonder if this is kind of a sister thread to the "Our Strange Addiction" thread. The only way I can consider things to be too much is when a person substitutes dolls for things they really need that money for, like food, shelter, etc,. If you're spending money on dolls instead of on your electric bills or rent, then I would consider something problematic.

Price is always going to be a big influence in this hobby. If these dolls were $15-20, maybe people would not see these dolls as big of an issue. But because they cost an upwards of $200, I think it's kind of normal that non-doll people understand that $200 is some serious cash. It's normal that they wonder why you're buying another doll when you have six others; that's a lot of money you could be using towards more 'useful' things.

I think many people see handing over $200 for a doll as a wasteful thing. Hobbies are dying out in our society, and if it doesn't *do* anything for us, then it's seen as wasteful - meanwhile, people are willing to fork over just as much money for iPods, computers, and phones. Dolls just sit there, and do nothing; they're not worth the price if they can't help us search the web or check emails.

It also has something to do with our age and the nature of these dolls. These dolls have the hefty price tag, as well as the option to be dolls we keep on the shelf, or dolls we play with. Most of us collectors are not at an acceptable age to be playing with dolls - though it's more acceptable if we kept them on a shelf. They see us doing stuff with our dolls that other kinds of doll collectors don't do, and they view it as unhealthy behavior.

 

Has this ever happened to you, or something similar?
Actually, just yesterday my sister was complaining to me over this hobby. We were arguing, slightly, over how I don't want to pay for alcohol for my mothers b-day party, since I don't like to drink, and don't like people to drink [to the point where they're drunk.] And mentioned that she'd save a lot of money if she wouldn't drink and smoke, a year. And she complains how I buy dolls. I've had Ren [my Yder] for three years, have Kouji [Bory] who I got this december [so that's two dolls in three years]. I told her I Was getting another [ordering next thursday!!!] and she told me I couldn't preach over her spending, since I buy these dolls. Honestly, a doll a year, IF that, isn't bad. So I don't see the big deal. -sigh-
what were your thoughts and opinions on it? how did you handle it?

I just sort of shrug it off. I figure I save my money, I earn my money. I'm a wise spender. They can't tell me otherwise. If they think they can, I usually find something they spend money on which isn't 'necessary.

 

I also think this is a bigger deal when you're younger and living with your parents. You have several complications:

- You're supposed to be saving for college/a house/whatever. Not dolls.
- Since you're living with your folks they think they have control over what you spend your money on.
- Your friends are all buying computers or iPads.

These kind of questions die down when you're an adult on your own. Trust me. Friends and family might still give you weird looks. But as long as you have the necessities covered there isn't much they can do about it.

Completely agree! This is why I usually describe BJDs as works of art. That painting will always hang on the wall. The pretty vase will always sit on the shelf. In terms of being used they should be worth less than BJDs! At least you can customize/take photos of/play with BJDs. You can't say the same for a painting.

But maybe the painting reminds you of home. Or the vase was hand made by a beloved niece. It doesn't have to be functional to be worth something.

 

That doesn't sound out of control to me at all... Even if you got 6 in one year, I wouldn't consider that to be out of control either. As long as other things in your life were not suffering due to the money you were spending on the dolls. I think that people can buy as many dolls as they want, in any time frame they want, as long as they have other things in their life taken care of. People love what they love, some people love dolls, so I think that they should buy them if they want them! They just shouldn't let education and personal care suffer from their love for dolls.

 

I agree with everyone who said it before: to the people outside a hobby, any hobby, having more than 1 of anything that is virtually same to them (because they don't know tthe difference between different dolls, or porcelain piggy banks, or whatever it is that we collectors collect and know). So to such a person, having 6 dolls may seem outrageous. But the only valid reason for them to speak up is when they have grounds for conern. As you say, this person - your friend - has no reason to worry about you, so remark seems out of place and rude. But... if you don't want to loose the frierndship, give them the benefit of doubt just this once. Maybe you know your finances are well organizeed, but maybe it doesn't look so to them? I would reply, for the first time, with an explanation of how you actually carefully plan your purchases. Tell them you appreciate their concern. But after that, they better be very respectful around your hobby or the way you spend your money! I have never had anyone say anything like this to me, but if anyone would, someone I couldn't just flip off and forget , that is how I would handle it.

 

I've always wanted a highly flexible double-jointed doll and a really delicate,slim and antique body with hooves and so on..
but, I can never find the perfect doll that I've had been searching for.
2 home-company made me sparkled..that is http://www.dustofdolls.com and http://buriedinoblivion.eu/en.
I told my parents about it.they disagreed.
It broke my heart.thinking how happy the others get when they can buy whatever doll they can have...
when they're free...when they're old enough to get known...
*sigh*... what a cruel world..

 

Just keep an eye out! You never know when a new, unique-looking doll will show up (especially from those really tiny dollmakers, like the ones you shared). I'm glad I got into the hobby now when there is more diversity in dolls than ever!

As for the money issue... I hurt for you, man You know, if it's any consolation, even us working types can't buy everything we want, either. We've got bills and that sort of thing. Actually, I put my doll on my credit card because I couldn't afford it right away. That wasn't very smart, I might add. But it was limited edition and I didn't want to risk losing it forever :/

You know, I just realized I'm in the same boat you are... I missed a preorder on a really special doll by just a month, so I'm going to have to lurk in the Marketplace hoping it shows up. :C Sometimes it's not a question of money at all, it's a question of time and place!

Just hang in there! You'll get what you want eventually. If you're old enough, look for a job. Your parents can't say anything if you use your own money!

@Boxie: Wow, that's horrible! I'm so sorry! And the fact that it's just six dolls? I mean, I've seen people around here who have dozens. Whose business is it that you use your money in a way you like, really?

This has never happened to me, but I have a feeling that if I pushed it, my father would definitely start asking hard questions. "How many is too many?" is the only question... but then again, I don't intend to buy tons and tons of dolls, either.

 

Both of my parents think I am out of control but they just don't understand the hobby. I have one AoD rao, a Volks bianka on layaway and I'm hoping to get a volks Charlotte on layaway aswell. I'm aiming to have maybe two dolls in each size range, so two SD, two MSD and two tinies but that will end up being more because of the rate companies just roll out new sculpts ( and there will always be something you like)

I feel quite angry to be honest. It's not like I'm buying a solid gold statue of myself, and like I said they don't understand the hobby and the amazing deals you can get on the second hand market for limited dolls. So I plan to sit them down after school and talk to them about it after getting by book 'Ball jointed dolls for beginners'. I also have the same mentality as everyone else by daying that it's my money and I will spend it on what I see fit. I don't have to pay tuition fees or phone bills etc because I'm 13 (14 in december) years old.

 

I have not had my dad think that l was out of control but he thinks l wasting my money. All l did was to shut him up was tell him that l could be doing drugs, drinking and sex. He dose somewhat understand the cost due to he collect 1:16 farm toys.

 

I think it is wonderful to be passionate about something. A lot of interests I cannot fathom at all. My brother and father love football. My younger brother is obsessive about Spawn. My sister collects Star Wars toys.

Most people have something. Chances are your friend feels strongly about something of their own.

I imagine that your friend means well. Just point out that your interest in dolls is no different from anyone else's. Your bliss is bjds. One of my sister in law collects angels and another collects clowns.
I don't get either interest but I respect that they are passionate about their collections.

Better a soul full of passion than a dead soul.

 

I think what younger members need to remember is that parents aren't being tedious or cruel when they have concerns about the hobby. It does cost a lot of money and they may be concerned that if you stop being interested in the hobby they will have wasted their money on a doll. If their paypal account and their money is used to buy the dolls they do have a say in how that money is being spent.

You need to be mature about it and address their concerns. If they can see that you've thought about this sensibly I'm sure that many parents will come around.

My parents still grumble about my spending and I'm almost 26! I know that they're only grumbling because they care about me, and after over three years in the hobby they can see that I do something with my dolls and the hobby makes me happy. They might not like the hobby, but they can see it hasn't been a whim or a one-hit-wonder, which is what they worried about at first.