"You Have A Problem" - Friends Who Think Your Hobby Is Wank

My friends don't get why i got into this hobby either.
They do try to understand and imagine me to be playing with a doll,describing to me how i would be touch, pose and talk to it, i cant help but feel that my behavior is freakish too.
I have never in my whole life been caught up is something so badly
I spend most of my free time surfing DOA. Spent lots of money on a doll that takes forever to arrive.
Sacrificed my own social life too for the sake of saving up for my dollie.
Then again i had never liked spending money on entertainment
My friends are always busy anyway..
I guess my interest in dolls is how i shut out the problems going on around me, i feel like im getting out of hand.. But i only bought one? I guess im still under control?

 

Hmm, it's kind of two-pronged, and there are various angles on it.

First off, universally people do seem sometimes to be very tactless. If they genuinely think you have a problem and are concerned, I think it's all right to bring it up, but just because you don't understand someone's hobby/sexual orientation/food preferences/religion/whatnot, it doesn't give you the right to be derogatory about it (well, duh). Some people think that if something is not considered "normal" by everyday standards, that gives them the right to be condescending about it (eg. i've met people who thought it was perfectly fine to ask me (adult, responsible being) if I wasn't afraid of regretting the tattoos I was getting, whereas i'm pretty sure that if I was pregnant, I wouldn't be asked if I wasn't afraid of regretting the pregnancy ... and a pregnancy would have much more impact on my life than tattoos do XD .. Anyway). If friends, acquaintainces, colleagues etc are just flinging remarks because they don't understand your hobby or because they don't take your feelings into account, they're, frankly put, being idiots, and you can safely ignore them (if you don't actually feel like confronting them and telling them they're tactless and saying stupid things).

However, secondly. I think Chibaraki has a very good point. I pay attention to the off-hand remarks I get from close friends and my boyfriend. Sometimes I will hear a certain thing i'm doing/saying/is happening to me, pointed out, meaning that it is ... how to explain it, unusual behavior, or maybe getting out of hand. For example, if my friends/boyfriend start cracking good-natured jokes about how it's hard to get me to answer a text message, it means that i'm starting to fall behind in that department. What my close, loved-ones are saying about me important, and if stuff like that starts happening, I should consider changing it - depending on whether I feel comfortable about what they're saying.

This year i've bought a lot of dolls, and my close ones started joking/commenting (good-naturedly) on me having a lot of dolls, and others kind of turned to me, every time there was a new release (back to the you don't HAVE TO snatch up a doll, if you like it). I also noticed I stopped signing up on the waiting lists on the Danish doll board (where most of my dollfriends are present), and got quiter on when I had bought a new doll. It got to a point where it almost got embarrassing. I can afford the dolls, pay my bills and get food, but I caught myself thinking that maybe it was getting a bit out of hand, and that there were other things i'd like to spend money on as well... So I decided to downsize, and will also be selling a couple of the dolls I have incoming. ^^

To cut a short story long, my friends/boyfriend making those off-hand remarks made me realize that something was a bit off/getting out of control, and I think it's very sensible to pay attention to those comments. Then, always remember. They're beautiful, but they're only dolls. They're not worth getting financially stressed about, and there'll always come another nice doll along, if you miss out on a limited. ^^ In my world, i'd rather have fewer dolls that are more detailed and complete, than have more, that I don't have the energy for, or that are unfinished.

 

Okay, it’s story time. Gather ‘round and grab some popcorn.

When I was in graduate school a few years ago, I knew a girl (a fellow grad student) who was HORRIBLE with money. Like, she got all these special scholarships and spent them on designer sunglasses and such, then complained about not having any money. A few months before I finished my Master’s and decided to take an indefinite break from school, she started telling me and another one of our classmates about some…bill or something she had to pay (I can’t remember exactly) and how she didn’t have the money to pay it. So she went to the people she had to pay and told them this marvelous sob story about how there had been an incident in her family and her little sister had had to unexpectedly move in with her, so now she was responsible for this pre-teen girl and because the move was such a surprise she had had to go out and buy stuff like bedding on really short notice, and as a result she didn’t have any money and could they please give her more time to pay the bill.

This girl didn’t have a little sister. The reason she didn’t have the money was because she had spent it all on some kind of designer clothes or makeup or purses or some such thing. So instead of coming clean about why she didn’t have the money or asking her parents to borrow money or even just suffering the consequences of an unpaid bill, she made up a situation and an entire family member that didn’t even exist in an attempt to lie her way out of trouble.

Now that, my friends, is having a problem.

My parents didn’t get it at first either. Now, since I was in graduate school when I started collecting BJDs, I didn’t feel too guilty about telling them that when I told them about my plans to get a doll and showed them pictures and such, I was sharing my life and my plans with them, not asking for their permission. I further pointed out that it wasn’t like I was going into massive debt for Harumei. I was working, even if I paid her off all at once I still had plenty of money in the bank, I was paying all of my bills and my rent in full and on time, and I wasn’t choosing between Harumei and something like food or medical care. In other words, I had more than enough money to meet all of my obligations, get a doll, and have some left over just in case. I also pointed out that there were much much worse things I could be doing with all that money, like…buying drugs.

If you’re not going into debt, if you’re not choosing between buying a doll and doing something essential like eating or paying bills, if you have a bit of money saved for emergencies, and if you’re not spending someone else’s money to get your doll, then I don’t see why you owe anyone any explanation or justification. If you’re spending someone else’s money then yeah, you probably do owe that person an explanation or justification, since it’s their money and not yours. If your friends or relatives see you doing something destructive and they mention it to you out of concern, it’s probably a good idea to at least think about what they said, even if you don’t give them an explanation or justification. But for the most part, people just need to learn to shut their mouths and mind their own business. If someone asks you for an explanation or makes fun of you for having dolls, I think you’re perfectly justified to just tell them you don’t want to discuss it or to draw attention to their own “silly” and expensive hobby, whatever it might be.

By the way, the buying one doll before paying off the other thing may or may not be a problem. Only you know your finances and whether or not you can handle this. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to snatch something up before it’s gone -- I also collect kimono and sometimes in that hobby you have to choose between buying the kimono and being a careful consumer (kimono being so one-of-a-kind, if you choose not to buy a particular one, chances are very high you will never see it again. You might not even find one very similar to it ever again). Just be careful because while buying dolls isn’t a problem by itself, it has the potential to become a problem, just like anything else. I would hate to see you hurt yourself for a hobby.

Wow this is long, so I’ll go back to being quiet now…

 

I don't think buying 1000 dolls is a problem let alone two. There are a few people in my family who I have heard muttering about my expensive and "weird" hobby but as their hobbies are watching Coronation Street/Eastenders obsessively, getting so drunk they can't speak and trying to be thinner than a size zero I don't really value their opinion.

It strikes me that sometimes there is an amount of jealousy in these negative comments; like the people making these snide comments resent their "friends" or "loved" ones having the amount of money in the first place and then using it to fund unique things like doll collecting which is obviously alien to them in the mind numbing little bubble they live in.

 

Yes I get annoyed and defensive if someone close to me says stupid things about my dolls. I don't tell people how much they cost because it's no ones business but mine. I don't expect someone who just bought a new computer or tv to tell me the price.
I only have one friend who annoys me about my dolls, everyone else is cool beans.
She is the only person who ever asks how much they cost or asks if it's a sexual fetish and has asks if I make them have sex. She's 30 years old so I really expect more.
I just said "If the first thing you think of is sex when you see a doll then you're the one with a fetish. Not me." I get fed up with it, sure. Yes I was defensive but she is the one that brings it up every time, not me.

 

Since I first discovered DoA, I think there are an awful lot of people on here who worry that they have a problem on some level, either because they think they themselves act a little crazy when they see certain dolls or because they have friends/ family members who are not as understanding of the hobby as one might like them to be.

For everything I've enjoyed in my life, whether it be dolls, going to concerts, or even caring for my pets, I can name you off somebody else who thought it was weird or that "I had a problem" for doing whatever it was. Being an adult means doing what you enjoy as long as it's within reason, your life is reasonably functional, you're not breaking any laws or having problems paying your bills, etc., and not caring what other people might think of what you do.

I am somewhat mystified by how often threads about whether people have "problems" or what level of collecting or purchasing is just "too much" come up on this board. It's almost like people constantly need to reassure themselves that they aren't nuts, and I've never seen that with any other hobby. I don't really understand why people on this board seem to be so affected by the perceptions of others, unless perhaps it's because a lot of doll hobbyists are young, this involves a lot of money, and the combination of those two factors exposes young people to a lot of scrutiny before they've gotten to the point in their lives where they're not so affected by what parents and "friends" think.

 

As has been said: it's not a problem in and of itself, but it can become one if you're "using" dolls to support/create something unhealthy, whether that is an emotional issue or a financial one.

Know yourself well enough to understand when you're getting in too deep with something, doll-related or otherwise, and know your friends well enough to know whose advice to take and who to write off as insensitive.

My parents and best friend think it's weird as all get-out, but meh. It makes me happy and isn't hurting anybody, so I'm not worried.

Edit: Bunnydots, this sounds about right to me--

Very astute! As one of the above category, I'd say that makes a lot of sense.

 

Yeah.. I only have two friends that understand. One of them doesn't like the doll I'm getting and thinks I should get a girl (she just wants something to sew lolita dresses for XD ) and the other is okay with it, but she's not really that interested. The rest of them think it's stupid.
My dad doesn't understand because I was always really tomboyish and into mechanics... i.e. I'm building a car right now XD so I tell him all about how the doll is made up and he thinks that's pretty cool.
My mom's just gotten used to it, and she saves her fabric scraps for me now ^^
So how do I deal with it? Around my friends, I just don't really bring it up ;D and around my parents, I just tell them about the things about the doll that they WOULD like XD

 

I just smile and tell the person who has the problem "It could be crack....of course crack's probably cheaper, but much more harmfull" They usually shut up after that. Look the point is that there are so many worse things out there that you could be spending your money on. As long as you're not hurting anyone they don't have to like it. But they can keep their opinions to themselves. Don't get discouraged, besides this hobby is contagious.

 

my family are not exactly supportive, but they are far more understanding. back in 2000 I had a car accident, hurt my back very badly, it will never be ok again, my left hip either. I have to live with it every day, but I am thankful I can walk, the doctors said I may not. In fact not only can I walk, but I show no visible signs of damage most days (some days I am forced onto a cane, and it always hurts, always). This may not seem relevent, but it is, because from the age of 9 I have been a horse rider, I did dressage. I was good. I cannot ride any more, had to sell my beloved baby since I had no strength to ride him. I was forced to give up that passion. I took up motorcycling for part of that outlet, and dolls filled the rest of that hole. My mother does not understand the dolls, but she is thankful I have something in my life that I love, and that is beautiful (and that is not a high powered two wheeled death trap). My family do not nderstand, but they are understanding.

In fact the only time I have ever had issues with anyone over the cost of my dolls was my best friend who one night realised the total worth of my collection. Some of my dolls are MSD worth only a couple of hundred, but a few of my dolls are worth well over 1K so his boyfriend averaged it to be $500/doll. They did the maths. 23 dolls of my own, and three belonging to my partner, making 26 at $500 each (and we who are in the hobby know that is beyond conservative) he then informed me that it could have been a car or the downpayment on a house. Well I looked at him, pointed out that I already own a house (literally valued at 4 times what his is) and that it was not a waste of money, it was just tht my money use was collected in one spot. He didn't get me, so I pointed out the computers he has...in the kitchen(1-2), dining room (1), bedroom (3-5) and office (3) as well as all of the games consoles etc all over the house. He blinked, turned red and shut up very fast.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has something they waste their money on, when other people look at their lives. If people cannot be understanding perhaps that is just not a subject to discuss with them. I am pretty upfront, when someone bothers me I will bluntly say "today what you did/said really bothered me because....." followed by "you are important to me, but so is my hobby, so I need you to be more understanding, this is my choice, but if you can't be more understanding of it let me know, and I will simply not involve you any more"

 

up untill my renfaire freinds knew what i did for a living (and how much i made) they'd call me crazy. my nick name is actually crazy doll chick at faire. a few other freinds are like that. but i ignore their comments or hit on one of their weird hobbies. my fave ones to bash back about are dnd and magic the gathering. XD,

 

I agree with this; this is so important (both parts XD). If anything makes you happy, then do it, nomatter what people say. If you're not getting out on the deep due to your hobby (back to not being able to front money for food or rent), then do as you please. I spend most of my paychecks on dolls, and if it works for me, then it works for me. Whatever makes you happy.
Also, if people are being insensitive, I think it's important to stand your ground. Partially, because just because they're saying something, it doesn't mean that it's right, and partially because maybe they simply don't think that they're being insensitive. So it's both sticking up for yourself, as well as helping the person to gain a new perspective.

 

I know people who routinely spend the average cost of a doll eating and drinking or otherwise going out with their friends. Or on designer clothes. It's really easy to say someone else has a problem when it's something that you personally don't spend money on, but as was pointed out, everybody has got something they waste their money on, whether it's clothes, cars, home entertainment systems, social events, animals, drugs, or dolls.

 

I know people like to share the things they love with the people they love, but I know that those same people can be very hurtful at times. You do know that it's the people you are closest with that hurt you the most, right? So I don't share this hobby with family or friends because they are very fickle with money and are very judgemental on my lifestyle.

The only person I can actually talk to about my doll is my twin sister. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She's my only example of a true friend although she is currently studying in Philadelphia.

I keep it to myself by spending very little every year (not the type to buy 3 dolls in one year) and keep them out of everyone's faces (I don't take them to weddings or other social gatherings). Plus I wait to order things during events to save money so if this hobby's cover gets blown and everyone in the city found out I would be able to show them I've been very responsible all along.

Honestly, these dolls can attract a lot of negative attention. Every BJD owner should be 100% aware of that.

 

You deserve to be happy. Different things make people happy; expensive concert tickets, designer clothes, new cars, the list just goes on and on. Unlike lots of other stuff, unless you just stand them on a shelf, these dolls are an interactive hobby enjoyed by thousands of people of all ages in many ways. I avoid discussing my doll hobby with people who are not "doll people". I personally find it odd that people will spend hundreds of dollars to attend professional football games (I'd rather have a new doll). If you attend a few meetups, you will probably make new like-minded friends who share your love of dolls and then you will not feel so isolated and vulnerable to criticism. If it's any consolation, as you grow older, you may find that you care less and less about other people's opinions of what you should do.

 

Most people I know are cool with my dolls. Friends, most family, and even strangers think they are cool. Sadly the one person I want to be involved in my hobby, my mother, hates them. Any chance she gets to shoot me down, she does. Of course after I remind her how much she spends on new clothes EVER TIME she goes shopping then she just kind of clams up.

 

Oh pfft~ If anyone tells me I have a 'problem' because I have 10 BJDs and never have any money (for luxuries, not bills - I choose this path :P) then I tell them to sod off and proceed to point out all the ridiculous frivolous things they spend their money on that are worth less than BJDs but amount to more - like that DVD collection, or all those Next-Gen consoles, or that wardrobe full of cosplay or lolita, or the new upgrades to their precious PC. Just because my hobby is less mainstream, doesn't make it any stupider than any other hobby.

If friends and family members were to say unkind things to me about my hobby, I'd just inform them that they obviously don't care about me enough to keep their nasty comments to themselves and bid them a good day =3

 

Oh P-L-E-A-S-E people, why can't friends and family just recognize this as an ordinary hobby and keep their negativity to themselves! For heaven's sake, people have been collecting dolls (both women and men) routinely since at least the 1800s in this country (and probably much earlier in some other parts of the world.) There's nothing abnormal about it whatsoever. In fact, doll collecting has always been one of the more popular hobbies out there. There are national organizations for it in every country, museums devoted to it, and affiliated clubs in nearly every city. Doll collecting is no more or less expensive than many of the other hobbies. BJDs are fun...we enjoy them...it doesn't hurt anyone (or ourselves)...and it keeps us busy, happy, creative and active in the community. The fact that BJDs are a newer doll form (and a far more fascinating and intensely creative one, I feel) doesn't alter the fact that we are basically just doll collectors...and people quite naturally spend money on the hobbies they enjoy...of course they do...it's just as simple as that.

It astounds me that there are such small minded people out there who feel compelled to remark negatively upon it. Most of those who do so are boring anyway...have no hobbies (or if they do, obviously aren't enjoying them like they should or they'd have no time to be ragging on the hobbies of others)...spend their discretionary income at coffee bars, restaurants or regular bars on a routine basis, shop all the time for the latest clothes, jewelry, handbags, or shoes, and brag about putting the latest expensive big screen electronics up on their wall to be viewed from such a distance that it only looks like it's 4 inches wide anyway. You get the picture. I'd be willing to bet that the very friends who give you grief aren't socking every extra penny away into savings or donating every spare dime to a worthwhile charity, are they? Let's face it, our extra money is going to go somewhere. So why not put it towards something you love that brings you joy, that push-come-to-shove could be sold for near what you initially spent on it to another collector, and that keeps you mentally stimulated and creatively active?

A good life is all about balance, after all. If your bills are paid, if you have food on the table, if you can pay off the current layaway you have in the time alotted to you, then why not buy that "perfect" head you're afraid of missing out on in the marketplace? And who cares how many dolls you decide to have in your collection? I'd be willing to bet the friends who complain about it are truly just envious of the fact that you have discretionary income and enough healthy self esteem to spend it on what you're truly passionate about. (They'd much prefer you tag along and treat them to a concert or dinner out, or keep them company while they shop at the mall for things they don't really need!)

 

I had this same problem... I used to be ashamed of it, but in the end it's my money and I work hard for it. Some "friends" would always complain about how many dolls I had coming at a time;they have dolls too, but it was mostly out of jealousy for not being able to buy as many as I could. In the end my best friend, who also has dolls, gave me permission to buy as many Yo-SD's (and dolls in general) as I like lol...
In the end if it makes you happy does it really matter what other people say? I mean if they call you crazy you can direct them here and I'm sure we'll do quite a job at expressing our opinions
~Pandora~