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You're not allowed that doll...

Nov 9, 2010

    1. Hmm, you have to be careful too. If you are in a relationship where your income is shared, a huge $1,000-1,400 doll is a big deal. That's a lot of money for one thing. And you're sharing space too, and since the doll is so big, I can see where someone would object. You have to decide as a couple how to handle these issues.

      And then there's the idea of preferences. I am not married but I've been in a serious relationship for seven years now. I love my boy, and I would not buy something that really, truly disturbs him. He would extend that same courtesy to me.

      So, I think it is perfectly natural to have a serious discussion on the subject of making a big purchase. In fact, it would be weird to me if a couple did not have this discussion. You need to respect each others wishes and come to compromises sometimes, that's a big part of being a couple.

      That being said, there is a huge difference between politely asking someone to not do something that bothers you after a rational discussion on why it bothers you, and placing a demand on you (ie, "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS"). Ultimatums are bad for every relationship, romantic or otherwise, and I would never put up with someone who imposes them on me.

      I have no way of knowing what went down in the OP's discussion with her SO, but I would say that it's normal and a sign of a good relationship if it happened after a discussion like I explained, but is bad and unacceptable if it was an ultimatum. Of course, even then there are things I don't know that could change things!
       
    2. I can't speak for Callie, but I'm surprised at many of the reactions because they seem to suggest an attitude that is as uncommunicative and unwilling to seek a compromise as they're claiming the OP's boyfriend has. She hasn't given anything to indicate that outside this instance he is a controlling person so why must we jump to the most negative senario? What is evident is that he's scared. Being scared is nothing bad and should, as another poster mentioned, be a signal to the other partner that it's time to talk and try to understand. If both parties are so stubborn as to persist in their own individual desires without consideration of the other then how is anyone really benefiting? He's clearly so disturbed by the idea of Lusion that he's not in any state to be the one to start the conversation but she can be. I kinda thought people would be encouraging her to talk with him and get him to a point where he'll at least be willing to look at a picture of the doll, especially ones that show her size in relation to a human.

      Sorry, I realize this is not helping the thread stay on topic but I'm very concerned about this "I'll do what I want no matter what" I see. v_v
       
    3. my husband told me i couldn't have a doll at all, but i got me one anyway xD
       
    4. @silverholly: Yes, that is exactly what I was trying to say, thank you!
       
    5. Well... maybe its beacuse im a bit older now, but this is a big, big object, especially if you live in a small appartment. So with things this big, i do feel that there should be some discussion. I mean, a scary puki can be tucked away in ...well practically in anything, but a 80 cm doll is THERE. Kinda makes me think how i would feel if my husbands start trek figurines grew up and would be 80 cm tall. Some how i would not like that.

      On the other hand i find it completely ridiculous if he forbids you to talk about it and to look at pics of said doll.
       
    6. My boyfriend has so far recoiled away from the computer screen each time I've shown him pictures of anthro dolls. He finds them that disturbing. He does not want me to talk about them with him or show him pictures. He has however said that he won't forbid me to buy one if I want one. (We were just talking about this topic.)

      I respect my boyfriend's boundaries and I can talk about anthro dolls with other people. My boyfriend respects the fact that I'm afraid of heights and won't show me certain pictures. Panoramic pictures taken from high places make me feel sick, so I can understand that pictures of anthro dolls make my boyfriend feel sick. Therefore I can understand that the OP's boyfriend does not want to see Lusion dolls.

      If the OP is not allowed to talk about the doll she likes with anyone, then that's wrong.
       
    7. Of course it's true that there's nothing wrong with being scared, and if the question were "has anyone asked you not to buy a doll because of their fear?" I think that would generate a very different reaction - but that wasn't the question here. This question involved a situation where the boyfriend told her she wasn't allowed to even talk about it. That's a just much stronger statement.

      ETA:
      It should go without saying that most people won't want to make their partner uncomfortable in their own home, and making compromises related to doll-fear is certainly part of that (and if a person places their dolls ahead of their partner's feelings that would be -at the very least - a questionable action as well). Telling your partner what they're allowed to do though isn't the same thing at all.
       
    8. comments that sound similar to "You cant have...." from my husband is usually followed by ...."just yet"

      Fortunately its just a time reminder as it may have slipped my mind that I have to take care of XYZ first.... If anyone seriously thought it permissible to say to a grown woman "You cant have that" I'd be handing them a funeral home pamphlet and ask them to pick out their plot.... :wiggle:

      totally OT - but I'd save the money you'd potentially spend on Dahlia and get your BF to a shrink - have him brainwashed into believing he must impulsively buy you resin kids every couple of months ;)

      Obviously every individual case of the "cant have's" is going to differ from the next so its not worth jumping to conclusions. The OP can always try to initiate a discussion regarding why she finds Dahlia attractive and her bf can try to listen and have a "safe" conversation that involves both parties explaining their reasoning - however if its literally a full-stop conversation with no room given for negotiation or for the OP to make her own decisions - THEN it would be the right time to consider what that sort of person is doing in your life, and what part of your thought processes makes it ok for you to allow yourself to be told off like a small child....

      And Dahlia is pretty amazing - I can see why my husband would object to her being in this house - its not really a size issue just "how do I explain THAT one to my mates *sheesh*" Every doll I buy undergoes a negotiation - for space and location in the home.... we share a life so there has to be compromise.... I dont ever complain about the multiplying motorbikes and he never complains about my multiplying dolls - but if I put a nude EID Akando on my nightstand or he parked a bike in the middle of my studio - FUR would FLY!!!
       
    9. I wasn't allowed to buy a BBB Sprite because my mom hated the ears. She absolutely would not let me buy a doll with elf ears. Thankfully I found the Espree, which has the same face only human ears.
       
    10. My boyfriend finds dolls like these a little creepy (his grandmother collects porcelain dolls, so it's not as if he's not used to the idea of doll collecting), and if we were living together and he found a particular doll unbearably creepy I wouldn't buy that doll. Not because I'm a pushover, not because he's controlling, but because we would be living in a shared environment and we make compromises for each other!

      He would never say outright that I cannot buy a particular doll, but I would be able to tell if he was uncomfortable. Since he is lovely enough to not eat fish whenever I'm around (I really cannot stand fish), why would I be uncaring enough to bring a doll into our shared environment he found creepy?

      There are two sides to every issue and I think that if you are bringing a doll into someone else's home or a home you share with other people, you do need to take their feelings into account as well, particularly if they are going to see the doll often if you're putting it on display.
       
    11. My man wouldn't get away with telling me I'm not allowed to get something. I'd tell him right where he could go. If I'm paying for the doll, I'm getting what I want. If he's paying for the doll, that's a different story. I'll let him have some say, at least consider his feelings.

      I understand in the sense of if you gave a shared income and the price is just too much. That should be more of a discussion than a command, however. Or a 'Honey, I think you might be being a bit unrealistic." at least.
       
    12. DH, as well as most of the immediate family is very supportive esp. since both daughter & daughter-in-law collect as well. But cost is a limit as far as if it's to be a gift. Dolls have to cover as many gift giving holidays except the B-Day & Christmas which can be more. I have more luck getting these from hubby. But from kids they usually help pay for the clothes and that works out well. I have to be more limiting myself due to room and ability to handle anything to big or take pics of anything to small.
       
    13. That's what i meant, that it would be ridiculous if he forbids her to talk about this with other friends or on the internet.
       
    14. .........................................................................................................
       
    15. I completely get why people have reacted so negatively -- it was the way it was said (at least according to the OPs post). I agree with bronzephoenix that there should be discussion if something really is creating that much of an issue for him. But in the post, it didn't seem like there was room for any as he didn't want to talk about the doll.

      Also, there is room for compromise. It's possible to own something (yes, even a really big doll), but not have it out in his face all the time. The doll could always live in it's box or doll bag when it's not being played with, for instance. It just seems like there are other more reasonable answers than demanding that his partner not buy or even speak of the doll. That's what got me -- his response just didn't sound entirely reasonable.
       
    16. Mod note: please let's keep this discussion as generalised as possible or it risks being locked. The discussion is not about the OP's personal situation.

      xen, what people find creepy is subjective. You love your Dahlia and find her adorable...but some others find her size and realism unnerving. A lot of people find all BJDs creepy, not just Dahlia. Other people's opinions are the least of your worries, as long as you love your doll, why should it matter if someone's SO (who you've never met and are unlikely to meet) doesn't find Dahlia as appealing as you do? ;)
       
    17. Normally I would be all over the "no one tells me what to do with my money as long as the bills are paid" but it is pretty clear from the OP's post that this is a matter of her boyfriend's PHOBIA. When people have phobias about something, they aren't thinking rationally or clearly, either about the object of the phobia or when they are speaking about it (and they tend to make sweeping statements and demands.)

      So...yeah. When someone has a phobia, compromises are definitely in order. I would live with it if my hubby were dog-phobic and said "no dogs!" or afraid of flying and said "driving only!" You can't reason with a phobia, and treating it is pretty expensive.
       
    18. I think I told myself that "You're not allowed that doll..." The price of the DM Lusion got me first, followed by the realism. If someone else told me the same, it's usually an invitation to do the exact opposite.

      Phobias: I tried to cure myself of arachnophobia by babysitting my friend's pet tarantula. I would hold it in my hand so long as she was there to supervise. Then she let me keep it for an overnight. Bad idea! I stacked books on top of the lid because she said it could lift the lid and escape. "Watch where you step in the morning. She got out once, and I almost stepped on her while looking for her!" OK, I didn't get any sleep that night.
       
    19. I was forbidden to ever buy a Unidoll Ark by a friend. He terrifies her and she insists he's ugly. I was told she would never speak to me again. All it did was make me want to buy him more. And I told her I'd leave him staring at her all the time. I'm assuming she was joking. My friends know you forbid me to have something I will get my hands on it.

      I agree with everyone else about the control issue. It's one thing to not like a doll and not want it near him but to not even be allowed to speak of it? That sends me a huge red flag.
       
    20. My husband never outright tells me I'm not allowed or forbidden to buy a doll, but he is perfectly honest about the ones he dislikes and definitely gives me a think if I really want it or if it's just a squee-moment.

      For example, he really likes the Soom dolls, and thinks Cuprit is the most amazing doll I've ever shown him. When I wanted to spend *insertridiculousamountsofmoneyhere* he was very supportive of it, and even suggested that I can set a goal to sell one of my other dolls in exchange for buying Cuprit. He knew the doll I wanted to sell wasn't loved here so I made my choice very confidently.

      On the flip side, he doesn't care at all for anything remotely resembling an anime character, so when I wanted to get my Luts Ani Elf he definitely had a few things to say. He made me really consider if I really wanted her, made me really question if it was just a passing desire or if I truly had plans. Unlike other dolls I fell head over heels with only to have that passion fizzle and die after a month or so, I kept planning what I would do with my Ani. I picked out eyes and a wig for her, and found out all the different shoes she might fit. I sketched how I would make her costume and started doing research about whom I would commission for other things. Finally I let him know that I knew I truly wanted her and so I finally got her.

      I use him as sort of a financial compass. Anything he outright doesn't like is something that gives me pause to think on if I really want it myself. It keeps me from going completely broke, since otherwise I would buy every doll out there that I love!

      And the reverse to that is sometimes he sees a doll like Soom Nephelin that I had no intention of buying and says "OMG that doll is almost as amazing as Cuprit, you should buy her!" And I can only say something like, "yes, she's very pretty but I'm not sure how well she would fit into my plans for my collection..." and he shouts "Who cares?! She is amazing! She is a DRAGON! Buy buy buy!!!"

      >..< That makes gorgeous expensive dollies hard to resist.